Dear Heart.

There is this song by Sanctus Real that I've really identified with lately.

"Dear Heart, do you belong to me, or do I belong to you? Just look at all the trouble you drag me into. I've heard it said to follow your heart, But I'm starting to wonder if it's gone too far."

I let my heart and my head overtake God sometimes. And sometimes it feels like I can't control it. I know I can though, I wonder if it's easier for me to wallow in what my heart wants, than to really let God take control.

I've been kind of frustrated the past couple of days. I need to calm myself and remember God is in control. Not me. I need to be grateful for that. I am grateful for that, I just show it poorly sometimes.

Christmas and New Years tend to be a bit lonely for me. So I'll snap out of it in a week or so, but still, for right now, I'll mope around. In my head mostly. I don't want people thinking I'm pathetic.

I just need to remind myself that my heart belongs to God.
Not me to it, or it to me. To God.

Philippians

Philippians is blowing my mind right now.

For a few days, it had been on my heart to read Philippians; so last night, I finally listened to God and read it (I'm so slow sometimes, thank you God for being patient with me). It boggled my brain, in a good way.

I read some more of it this morning and I'm going to read it again right now.

If you really read it, I mean READ it, it'll really challenge you. And I tried reading it with the enthusiasm in which it was written (God bless you Paul) and that made it a million times better.

I don't know what the point of this post is except to say that Philippians is really speaking to me right now. I've read it before, but gotta love how the Bible meets you where you are.

Anyhow. That is all.

Go read.

Never, ever again.

I never want to hear the words "Your brother was in a bad car accident" ever, ever again.

Turns out it was bad for his Jeep, and the passenger of the car he hit, but not him. He's sore, but that's all. Fortunately, it was not his fault. A man driving a jeep pulling a trailer turned left in front of him, probably without looking, and Patrick tried, but it was too icy and slushy for him to stop. Patrick t-boned the other car. The passenger was hurt, but the driver and my brother are okay. Well except Patrick's glasses, which suffered death by airbag.

My immediate instinct was to pray. We didn't know all these details when Patrick called my mom. It was unnerving.

Praise God it wasn't worse. I'm still praying for the passenger of the other car. They took him away to the hospital. So hopefully everything there turns out okay as well.

That's all. I just wanted to express my desire to never, ever, ever hear those words again.

Post Secret.

Anyone else been to this website? It's heart-wrenchingly beautiful.

The creator posts new secrets every Sunday, and every Sunday I read them. He usually posts them around or after midnight, so if I'm up, I check it.

People hold some powerful things instead themselves. These people feel like that only way to get it out is to write an anonymous post card to a man in Maryland. I'm that kind of person.

I have a really hard time trusting people. No way around it. I have layers and layers, like everyone else. I just don't usually show them all. That's why I like this blog. I can get things out with having to look someone in the face (when I don't want to) or get interrupted. (I am interrupted A LOT)

We all have secrets. I have secrets. I have other people's secrets.

I want to send a postcard to post secret. I have some things in mind, but I want it to be encouraging and hopeful, because that's how I want to be shown.

Honest and full of hope.

Question.

I have a question for you all.

Does me being quiet most of the time freak anyone out?

I've encountered people before who I think are genuinely uncomfortable by it, and I had another experience tonight.

So... just wondering. : )
That's all.

Christmas just does this to me.

I just bought this song on iTunes. By Matt Wertz. Love him and his curly hair.

I digress.

I put up and lit our Christmas tree tonight. No ornaments yet, the lights took too long. I think the lights look really great though. I love Christmas trees. They are so warm and friendly. I usually turn off all the lights except the tree lights and just relax. It's all very comforting to me.

I couldn't help but let my mind wander, (per usual) while I was lighting the tree. I can't wait to be able to do this in my own house, with my own family. We used to decorate the tree as a family, when I was a kid. I want to do that with my future family. Maybe involve hot chocolate and a fireplace, I want to create the warm Christmas memories I have for my own kids.

That's all.

"I'll spend the night down on the sofa; with the lights left on the tree; the dishwasher humming in the kitchen; sing me to sleep."

Priorities.

We have our priorities wrong. Everyone. Me too. I'll be the first to admit it.

Working retail around Christmas makes me ill. We are so missing the point.

I had a woman get angry with myself and two of my coworkers yesterday because we did not have this stupid stuffed singing snowman on sale like the other Hallmark. I give this woman props for not wanting to pay full price ($30, really?), but she still wanted it, SO she loses there.

Why do we need singing stuffed snowmen to make us happy? Why America???? Some people would be happy with a blanket, or shoes, or a roof, or socks, or A MEAL. This is just America or Detroit even.

Just a thought.

Everyone needs to slow down, take a breath, and thank God for the fact that we have what He has given us. All we have is enough. All I have is MORE than enough. So for now, I will breathe, I will pray, I will be thankful, and I will take the time to look at the stars, and remain in awe of my amazing Father, so full of Grace for me that I do not deserve.

Thanksgiving.

I'm going to write a cliche' Thanksgiving post. I am, I am! :)

I'm very tired right now. And we didn't even eat turkey, we are ham people. This is how that conversation went, about 3 years ago. "I never really liked turkey" "Me either", "Me either", etc. "Then why do we eat turkey?" "I don't know" lol. I love it.

So long story short. I'm thankful for God's continual love and you.

The end.

Missing.

Sooo remember when we were in elementary school, and there was that day that the boys and girls were separated? The girls in one room, boys in another. We listened to a talk that would scare the bejesus out of us and then run back to the classroom and tell each other what we learned?

Remember that awkward day? I do. And I have a point, and I swear I'm getting to it.

Was there another day when the girls and boys were separated, and we were taught how to talk to each other? Like a dating class or something?

I feel like I missed it.

That's all. :P

Bluster.

It's my favorite time of year.

When it starts to get dark early, when the first thing I do in the morning is wrap myself in a blanket and head downstairs. Wear slippers all day every day.

I love the blustery days. I love to hear the wind out my window, like tonight. I love drinking tea and have it just warm me up.

Call me crazy, but it's just what I like.

On that note, I will leave you with a poem that best fits this blog.

My November Guest, By: Robert Frost

My Sorrow, when she's here with me,
Thinks these dark days of autumn rain
Are beautiful as days can be;
She loves the bare, the withered tree;
She walks the sodden pasture lane.

Her pleasure will not let me stay.
She talks and I am fain to list;
She's glad the birds are gone away,
She's glad her simple worsted grey
Is silver now with clinging mist.

The desolate, deserted trees,
The faded earth, the heavy sky,
The beauties she so truly sees,
She thinks I have no eye for these,
And vexes me for reason why.

Not yesterday I learned to know
The love of bare November days
Before the coming of the snow,
But it were vain to tell her so,
ANd they are better for her praise.

So broken.

I've been encountering a odd mixture of this world lately.

Lately, I've been SO surrounded and aware of this broken world. More so than I really have ever cared to believe existed. But then again, through this I am seeing such brilliant light. God just spilling out His love. From everyone. I don't think it could be ignored. Acknowledged by everyone or not, it's there. I'm certainly not ignoring it. I'm going to try my best to ignite it.

It's a beautiful thing. This broken world is made so beautiful by the love and grace and hope it provokes. I don't feel discouraged at all by it. It makes my faith stronger. The glory of God is so bright when everything is so dark.

And it again reminds me how incredibly blessed I am. I'm really blessed. I don't think I'll ever be able to wrap my brain around it. I don't know how I deserve it, but there it is.

That is all. Short and sweet. This has just been on my mind lately.

26.

I'm 26 today.

What.

Everyone keeps telling me I shouldn't feel old. And I guess I don't. 26 just seems weird to me.

I don't feel 26. I certainly don't ACT 26. Then why be 26? Really.

I learned a few year back to stop anticipating things by a certain age. And I don't. I actually don't anticipate much anymore. Especially things I have no control over. Makes life more exciting and interesting.

So this afternoon, I will complete case notes in my sweatpants, slippers and new fleece blanket. Eat Halloween sized Kit Kats, listen to some tunes and kind of relax. And tonight, I will refuse to act my age and play Rock Band 3 with my favorite people in the whole world for 5 hours straight, eat too much food and just enjoy life.

And God will smile at this.

Online Dating: A Confession.

I have a confession to make. Something I've been kind of hiding from everyone except a select few for a while.

I'm... a ninja. haha yeah, right. Just kidding. I'm too clumsy to be a ninja.

But seriously, I do have a secret. Over the summer I became quite sick of being single. More so than the usual. I'm turning 26 this month and I don't want to become a spinster, cat lady. I know, I know, I'm still young, but seriously. I've been single forever and a day now. Soo... with much hesitation and a big push from my brother, I decided to try out online dating.

It's an odd thing, this online dating. I do not like it, for one. It's so impersonal. What happened to the 'ol fashioned boy meets girl at coffee shop or girl meets boys while perusing the local bookstore? Or casual friends realize there is more there? Or friends setting up blind dates? Where have those times gone??? F'reals.

I'm horrible with the online dating. Every profile looks the same. It's like a resume, for a partner. It all seems fluffed up. No honesty, no unique-ness.

Maybe I'm just turning into a cynic. Online dating works for some people and that's so great for them. We have a wonderful knew addition to our family because of online dating. I really feel like it's just not working for me. But then, I'm left with this question... what else is there for me to do??? I've been told I need to "Put myself out there". What the crap does that mean people?!? I don't know. I attempt to pursue what I feel are prospects, but I've had no luck. Sometimes I think I'm not obvious enough, but then I don't want to seem needy (I'm so not), so I stop after a couple of failures.


So. I'm done ranting. I'm glad to have made this confession. I know in the long run, no matter what I do, what site I join, who I may have little crushes on, God makes this decision. I'm conflicted with how much God interferes, I can't just sit here and expect Mr. Right to knock on my front door and say "God sent me here for you". That's not how things happen.

So. What now?

Stop. Rewind. Start over.

Regret is a miserable thing to live with. Regret has been my house guest in some form or another for a while. It has overstayed it's welcome.

"What ifs" kill me. What if I had made this choice, what if I had made that choice? I spent a lot of time before I went to college not following God's path. I didn't really acknowledge asking God before I made decisions. And it's not because I didn't want to, it was more because I didn't know.

I went to Grand Valley because that's where I wanted to go. I didn't apply anywhere else. I changed my degree from nursing to criminal justice because Riverview didn't teach me how to study and the science classes were killing me.

I often wonder where I'd be if I kept with nursing. If I'd be working in a hospital. Helping people become healthy of body, and maybe of soul. Or if I'd gone to a different college, what would have happened. And I know it's bad to think like this. I have to discover God's path for me now, instead of what it could have been had I been more conscious of what he wanted for me 7ish years ago.

I'm still struggling. Inside I know I'm not who I need to be. I have to make some changes as a result. I had pretty much a nervous breakdown last Thursday morning. Something bad happened at work and everything that I've been pushing down inside just starting overflowing out of me. My poor mother had to witness it. I can only pretend things are okay for so long. They just aren't. In my hysterics I said to my mom "Can't I just quit?!" And she told me to go ahead. My dad told me too, that I could quit.

So people, that's what I'm going to do. I am going to blindly quit my job. Take an enormous leap of faith into the unknown. I know God will provide for me.

And for the record, this is a difficult choice for me to make. But in the long run, I would never just give up on something if I saw hope in it. I do not see hope for myself here. Things will not get better. It's better for my spirit to just let it go. Move on. Find my purpose somewhere else.

Everyone experiences a soul searching moment in their life. This is mine. I'm working with a blank slate and hopes of something better. I am just not quite sure what that means yet.

I am fully aware not everyone is going to understand or approve of my decision here. That's okay. I know in my heart what this has done to me. How it feels to be doing what I do, with the personality I have. I can't change my personality, my beliefs to accommodate this job. I am who I am and it's not working. My mind, my body, my soul are exhausted.

After the fact:
I wrote the above part before I officially resigned or told any coworkers. I would like to say everyone has been amazingly supportive. So thanks everyone for that. I'll miss the good things about my job and i Hope I'll be able to find that somewhere else. My official last day is October 29th.

Three more weeks. 14 more work days.

Biggest Loser.

I love this show. It makes me smile to see people who are genuinely ready to change their lives and be healthy.

The whole thing seems very ironic though. The last two weeks it's be on for 2hours. 2 hours in one evening spent watching this show, is 2 hours I've just sat on my bum and done nothing. And it's also strange because I usually end up eating something whilest I watch it. Again, the opposite of what the show is trying to communicate.

I am such a backwards person. In more ways than one, but when it comes to having a healthy lifestyle, I'm about halfway there.

The only way to really be healthy and lose weight, or to maintain a healthy weight is to diet and exercise. That's it. I've never understood how Americans completly ignore that. Oh yeah, we're lazy. We want the quick fix. Well folks, good luck with that.

Between my sophomore and junior years in college I did weight watchers with my mom. It is a diet program, but it teaches you HOW to eat healthy in a realistic way. I lost 30 pounds, and have pretty much kept it off. I'm about 5 pounds more than when I stopped paying for weight watchers, but that's pretty awesome still. But that's the problem I have. I am pretty well set with the exercise part. One a bad week, I work out 2-3 times. Running and sometimes weight training (which I desperately need to get back on track with). For most, that's the hard part. People don't want to exercise. I love it though, I feel so great afterwards.

It's the diet part I have a hard time with. I eat what I shouldn't eat constantly. I snack late at night, I eat out at least two times a week, I don't always pack a lunch, I sometimes skip breakfast only because I don't have time in the morning. I eat far too much candy. I drink too much Starbucks.

I often wonder where I would be if I actually followed a good diet plan. If I stopped eating out, if I stopped eating candy all the time, if I ate a healthy breakfast every morning, if I didn't snack after 8pm at night.

I wonder if I have the will power for that. I think I do. I did Weight Watchers successfully, so there is will power in there. I need to learn how to manage my mom's cooking also. She doesn't cook healthy anymore, I blame the food network and her need to recreate the food from there. It's going to have to be about portion control. And maybe begging her to cook healthy again.

This seems like the most pointless post ever. Just me rambling I guess. It's just a thought that occurred to me last night as I was watching Biggest Loser. Which you should watch. It's pretty inspiring. Just sayin'.

Okay, that's enough of this tangent.

Standards.

I'm a picky person. Most of you know this already. I'm a picky eater, I'm really picky about guys, I expect things to be a certain way, and when they aren't, it's just not ok in my book. Is that bad? Some people think so. I call it standards. But that's just me.

My pickiness comes back to bite me in the bum frequently. I miss out on things sometimes because it's not the way I think it should be. Or I don't take the time to really learn much about it before I make my judgement call. My first impressions and my original judgement calls are usually right though. I have a lot of confidence in that.

It's rare that I'm really surprised or disappointed by anything. My expectations usually pan out and I'm really happy for that. My gut is usually right and I guess that's just God leading me.

There are many people in my life that I've liked from the start. I know from their interactions, or just their lives that they are awesome people. And I must say I have a lot of pretty amazing people in my life. I just need to really take the time to appreciate them more. So hey, amazing people: You are amazing. Truly. I am So grateful for you in my life and I'd like to keep it that way. Ok? Ok.

My job interview went okay yesterday. Everyone neglected to tell me how in the middle of nothing Fremont is. I know myself and I know that Fremont is not a place I should uproot myself to without knowing a single soul there. I would not do very well. It's a beautiful area, do not get me wrong. The leaves are changing and the drive was so beautiful and peaceful and relaxing. It's one of those things that I know in my soul is not for me.

The ride back was a little tough though. I dont' think I've really had that time for my own thoughts in a long time and a lot of things caught up with me. Gotta work through them and make sure I give my brain more Me time as to prevent that from happening again. Self care is really important and I neglect it a lot.

On that note, I leave you with this: If you were a cartoon character which one would you be and why? This was one of my interview questions and I'm just curious :) Another one was: If you could meet any celebrity, past or present, which would you choose and why?

Ok. That's all.

Sh-Sh-Shakin'.

The trees are changing. I love it. Everyone always says that fall is their favorite season. But I really truly believe fall makes me feel different, understand life different. It's odd.

I'm doing a little better than when I last poured my heart out here. I always come to the realization that I can't make people do what they should. I just need to know that I laid the path and it's up to the family if they are going to follow it. Which is strange because that's kind of what God does for us.

This fall, I feel ready. I feel ready for my life to take off. It still seems like I'm living on my life on cruise control. It's time to shake things up a little bit. I'm actually rather proud of myself because I've been taking proactive steps to shake things up. You may not see it, but I've been trying. I guess I'm kind of private about guys and jobs and stuff until I'm absolutely sure about anything.

My job interview is tomorrow. I thought Fremont was a lot closer to Grand Rapids than it actually is. So if they offer the job to me, I'm going to have to think about it really hard. If I want to uproot myself to the boonies. Lots to think about.

That is all. Lots and lots going on in the 'ol brain. And per usual not enough words to say it all..

Here we go again.

I have a job interview on Thursday.

Pray. Pray. Pray.

Urgent.

I don't care what people say. God exists. He does amazing things. He works miracles. Even now. He may not be raising people from the dead or calming storms in a literal sense, but spiritually, He does. He calms my storms. He pulled me out of the grave of my sin. I am a miracle. And so are you.

I may not think I excel at many things. I really don't. I don't always win, and I'm not always the best, but I do know this. I have faith. Faith that no matter how bad things seem at the time, God will always carry me through it.

In the wake of my last blog, I have to give you a little update. And it really seems like the smallest little thing, but for me, it was just exactly what I needed and God knew it.

Yesterday at work, I was talking to some co-workers in another room. I came back to my office to find that I had an urgent voicemail left on my phone. My first response was "Yup, makes sense. What could have possibly gone wrong now?" I listened to the voicemail. It was from a mom I had taken over for when I first started my job here. She's a recovering cocaine user with two kids. Her son Michael was my favorite. I loved that kid. He was hilarious and awesome. And so smart. The mom had so many goals, so many things she wanted to do. But things take time and not everything was accomplished when my time with her was over. I've done both my 6 and 12 month follow-ups for her, and I visited her at her last one. She doesn't need to speak with me or hear from me again after that last follow-up and usually I don't. But she called me yesterday. I called her back, and all she wanted was to say thank you to me. Pretty much a thanks in believing that she could continue to remain sober and believing that she could accomplish everything on her own. She had gotten a house and a car since the last time I spoke with her and her son Michael is going into kindergarten or 1st grade now. I'm not sure which. And she's really active at the school.

That short little 5 minute phone call lifted my spirits SO much. I'm glad she remembers me through all this. Her voicemail said she had been sitting there at her house yesterday morning thinking about me. God put me in her brain. He did that so she could call and make what I do worth it, even if it was just for a short time.

I'm still struggling, don't get me wrong. Everything isn't going to be fixed in a day, but it's a nice little reminder to me that if anything, ONE person was positively effected by having God's light shine through me in their presence.

That is all.

Burden.

I carry a burden that very few could really understand. I am a Christian and a social worker. There is no way around that right now. It's rips my heart to shreds.

I've been working to find something else. Anything else. I'm losing myself to my job and I can't stop it. I used to be relaxed, low key, sweet, caring. I'm losing that Hillary. I don't know if people see that part of me anymore and it is literally killing me. I want her back.

I often wonder how people view me now versus before all this. If I'm actually different or if it's in my head. I don't want to be jaded. I don't want to be negative. I want to be full of joy. Peace. Kindness. I'm not sure if I am. At least, not like I used to be.

I'm writing here because I don't really know another way to explain this all. Without the "Hillary's complaining about her job again" thinking. It goes deeper than that.

The one shining, bright spot of joy in all of this is my daily interactions with God. I've seen God do some amazing things. Basically just protecting me, guiding me, building me up. Giving families a second chance with their lives. I do honestly believe I have nothing to do with it, that I'm just an accessory. These parents made up their minds a while ago if they were going to do what they could to get their kids back and they did it all on their own before I even step into the picture.

I haven't made it a day in the last week without tearing up. Today is no exception. I have to worry about my own well-being, as well as the well-being of four other families, right now at least it's four. It's kind of becoming too much to handle with any semblance of sanity.

I will make it through. I'm not trying to say I won't. But, for right now, things are difficult. I feel stuck.. and sometimes alone. I do KNOW God is right here with me. I do know that. It's what gets me through my days. God pretty much carrying me the whole way.

For now, I will be exhausted, a little depressed, but resilient. Determined to pull myself up and out of this valley. I will find myself again. In the midst of God's glory, I'm sure.

Until then, I'm sorry if I'm crabby, exhausted, boring... I'm trying my best. But sometimes it's just too much. Happy, shiny, joyful Hillary will eventually resurface. She's in there, hiding, only to poke her head out when she knows it's safe.

I'll be okay again.

randoms.

Haven't had much to say lately. The roller coaster of life has me in a dip and I'm just trying to build some momentum to get out.

I've been having a difficult time at work lately. Partially because of my clients refusal to believe I am anything but their slave, which I've gone over before. I react very strongly to that for some reason, it's strange. Lots of other work related things going on, but I don't feel like getting into that.

POSITIVE NOTE: Fall is coming. *insert sigh of relief here* We got a taste of the cool fall air last week and I felt incredible. It's so sad fall is so short. I could live in that cripy, clean air forever. I can't wait to break out my sweaters and nice coats and be all cute. My fall/winter wardrobe is far superior to my spring/summer wardrobe.

The nostalgia that comes along with fall can be bittersweet. All my relationships have begun in the fall. It's a fun time of year. People say everything comes alive in the spring, well, my world comes alive in the fall. Cannot wait for it. I could use an apple orchard date. Just sayin'. :-P

All-in-all. Things are looking up. Why? Fall is coming. I get some vacation. (fingers crossed) Going to Chicago in October to enjoy the city and hopefully see some long lost special people ;) My brother is getting married in a week and a half. Yeah, crazy. I know.

I just hope to one day have something exciting to write about here.

Until then....

Soapbox.

How come society defines us by everything else other than who we are as people? By our looks, our clothes, our weight, the food we eat, the music we listen to, the school we went to, etc. The list goes on.

Why does all of that matter? And it does. I was at a wedding once. I was sitting at a table with other individuals my age. And before they even asked my name, they asked "so what kind of music do YOU listen to?" In a snobby way. I felt instantly frozen. I felt whatever came out of my mouth at that moment was going to define me for the rest of the evening. Luckily someone else chimed in and I was spared being placed in a box, labeled.

I shouldn't gripe about this, because I feel like I'm socially stunted and these kinds of topics seem SO easy to talk about. I want to know why it isn't really acceptable to dive deep into the heart of who we really are as people, upon first or second meeting. It seems taboo to talk about deep things in our lives unless we know a person very well. I feel like we need to be the core of who we are at the very beginning, so we don't have to break down the barriers others have placed around us by their perceptions. Perceptions based on all those things I mentioned in the first paragraph. Sure. Those things are part of who we are, but they aren't the whole of us.

What about our childhoods? The moments who define us. The experiences that have taught us? The fact that I went to GVSU isn't who I am, it's the experiences I had there that do. But I can't wear those on a t-shirt.

I'm kind of on a soapbox about this right now. It just seems strange to me that we would limit our knowing of others. I know people and they know me. But they don't KNOW me. It's partially my fault, but the other part is that maybe I feel like they don't really care to know anymore about me than what they see in front of them. That's why it was kind of terrifying to write that last blog. People don't know me like that. Vulnerable, open, honest, hurting. You wouldn't know that about me by knowing I like acoustic music, or that I drive a Saturn.

I don't know if this makes any sense. It's one of those things that I've got tumbling around in my brain. The idea, the concept, in my brain is perfectly logical, but thrown out into cyberspace, it may seem a little jumbled. Sorry about that. :) Hopefully there are some tiny molecules of sense in there.

The reason.

I don't typically do this. And I promise I'm not obsessed, but I feel like I need to further explain why it is I'm so defensive about Hanson. And I know you're thinking "Hillary, shut up about Hanson already" But I really feel like I need to explain myself, as to stop getting ridiculed for liking a band. Something I really shouldn't have to worry about anyways.

I don't usually elaborate on this part of my life, because I don't like to dwell on the past; especially negative portions of it, but here we go. Oh, and I don't like pity parties. I'm not one to bring up bad things just to make other people around me feel uncomfortable, SO don't pity me, but I am still going to explain myself here since people tend to not really listen to me that well.

In the summer of 1996, my family was basically uprooted. My dad's job was kinda shut down, and my parents opted to be transferred to New Jersey, so my dad could continue to work for BASF. We left everything, to go to nothing. Our family, our friends, our entire life was turned upside down over the course of a summer. My brother and I spent a year in the Stroudsburg, PA school district. The education was poor, the teachers were horrible. I spent that entire year of my life being made fun of and teased. Some things I haven't even really spoken of and to be honest I've blocked most things out. As a result of this, my mom pulled us of out that school and we were home-schooled for the next two-ish years. So I went from the area I loved, people I loved, people who loved and knew me. To nothing. Well, not completely nothing, because I had my small little family unit. And one friend, I had managed to make in school.

During the year of home-schooling, this friend of mine introduced me to a little band called Hanson. They had two songs out on the radio at the time. "MMMBop" and "Where's the Love". I fell in love with "Where's the Love" immediately. It was catchy and happy and made me not think about how lonely and defeated I was. I told my mom about this and she brought me to the local music store to buy "Middle of Nowhere".

Anyone else ever use music as an escape? I know you have. I did. I still do. All this was before I was a Christian. I was young, and I knew all about Christ and stuff, but I didn't know about it like i do now. I didn't know I needed to turn to Christ for all those worries. So I turned to music. Whenever Hanson would be tv, I would watch it. I had (HAVE) all their cds. Even singles and EPs and stuff. I decorated my room.

I literally got rid of all my sadness, by listening to this happy music. I remember the day I found out I was going to their concert. I was sitting on the counter in my kitchen and the tickets had come in the mail. My mom handed me the envelop. I cried I was so happy. And I remember going to the show. It was my first concert ever. It was at the Palace. I had binoculars and everything. We were SO far away, but I didn't care. I was just so happy. My mom even bought me all kinds of merch. Which I'm sure I still have somewhere. Thinking of that small gesture even now makes me a little emotional. There is more to this story, but I'm not going to get into it as I think I've communicated enough of it to help you all understand.


And that folks is why I'm so attached to this band. I love them and their music and how they got me through that difficult time in my life. I know it doesn't sound that tragic, but, for me, it was. Being lonely is the worse thing in the world for me. I still struggle with those things from time to time and I know it's an extension of that move. I've never been really great at making friends, I still struggle with feeling alone and unwanted, like I felt that year at the wretched middle school. Even now, writing this, I get a little teary eyed thinking back on it.


I know, trust me, I know, not everyone has similar tastes in music. What is refreshing to my ears, may not move you the same way and vise versa. And like I said before, I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, or pity me, because God knows that's the last thing I want. I usually just keep my mouth shut, but I couldn't this time. So thanks for listening. :)

Lastly, I will nerd out for a moment and say I finally met one of the Hanson boys. I was SO SO beyond happy at that moment. I know it's dumb, but I can't help it. Their music has been with me for 13 years. They've gotten me through many things, and make me happy.

SO again, thank you Hanson for bringing me joy when nothing else could.

The secret.

I have a secret. It's taken me over ten years to be able to honestly tell people.

I am a Hanson fan.
From 1997:


To now:


13 years. Now if that's not loyalty, I don't know what is. The first Hanson song I heard was "Where's the Love?". The single released after MMMBop. I was hooked. I had (have) a crush on Taylor, the middle one, since I was 12 years old. Now it's basically out of nostalgia-sake. I used to write on my Hanson calendar what shows they would be appearing on that week, and watch them, as well as tape them. I listened to their cd non-stop. Other kids made fun of me, which is kind of why I stopped telling people. But in all honesty, and call me cheesy, or whatever, but their music got me through a tough time in my life. Which is why I think I've held onto them for so long.

As I grew up, so did they. As my musical tastes matured, so did their music. Hence, the loyalty. As long as they keep making music I enjoy, I will listen. And be a fan. Judge me! I dare you. Another thing I love about them: Each album is uniquely different than the one before. Almost as if they have a musical theme. It's amazing and keeps us guessing. I love it.

I'm going to see them play at the Royal Oak Music Theatre, where I will be giddy like I was 12 again, and jump around like a goon. So in preparation for that, I've been on a all Hanson music rotation. I've decided I will make a list of some of my favorite songs by them. Maybe if you're brave, you'll check some of them out. I promise they are talented, it may not be your style, but you cannot deny they are gifted.

So here's the list in no particular order (song, album, year):
~ Great Divide; The Walk, 2007
~Never Let Go; Members EP; not sure (probably my favorite, but it's impossible to pick)
~MMMBop; Middle of Nowhere, 1997 ( come on, you cannot deny how catchy it is)
~With You In Your Dreams; Middle of Nowhere, 1997 (written for their grandmother; very pretty)
~And I Waited; Shout It Out, 2010
~Give A Little; Shout It Out, 2010 (awesomely, fun song)
~Me, Myself, and I; Shout It Out, 2010
~Worlds On Fire; Stand Up Stand Up acoustic EP (one of many songs about social injustices in the world)
~Save Me; This Time Around, 2000
~A Song to Sing; This Time Around, 2000
~Strong Enough to Break; Underneath, 2004 (written as a result of breaking away from the music industry and creating their own independent label, free of the restrictions of the music industry)
~Lost Without Each Other; Underneath, 2004 (I dare you not to dance. I DARE you!)
~Been There Before; The Walk, 2007 (Classic)
~Fire On The Mountain; The Walk, 2007
~Blue Sky; The Walk, 2007
~A Minute Without You; Middle of Nowhere, 1997 (I forget about this song until I hear it live, where I jump around like a fool)

Long list I know, but me and Hanson go way back.

And one more thing you may not know about Hanson: Back before they recorded and released The Walk, they became involved in an organization called TOMS shoes. Many of you have seen me sporting mine. This organization promotes awareness of areas so deep in poverty, that families cannot even afford shoes. This causes many health issues, even some so bad they can lead to death, simply by walking long distances without shoes. To help promote this, before every show, Hanson leads a one mile walk without shoes. I haven't been fortunate enough to be able to participate in this, but hopefully I'll be able to this year.

Thanks for listening to my secret. I know all you music lovers with your favorite band will understand what I'm communicating here. So thanks to all those bands who remain awesome and true your loyal fans. We appreciate it.


And as Zac Hanson would say:
Peace, Love, & Bulletproof Marshmallows.

Sneaking suspicion.

I usually have a pretty good idea when something is right or wrong. I can feel it, in my soul.

It's hard to explain. When I have decisions to make, so life roads to choose, I usually know if it's right simply how I feel about it. It's uncomfortable. And awkward, and usually I just don't want to do it.

I've got that feeling now.

But what do you do if this thing pleases everyone around you? It makes everyone else happy, specifically happy for me. In my heart though, I feel like it's not right.

I know I need to give it to God. Which is what I've done and I still don't feel right about it. And this is when I need to stop being so dense and go with what I feel because God seems to be encouraging that feeling within me.

I know this was really vague and cryptic, but sometimes I don't what to get THAT personal via the internets. :)

That is all. I hope I snap out of the case of the Mondays and have a productive day.

So far, failing.

fighting with myself.

The holy spirit is moving. Swirling around me like a dust storm. Completely overturning everything. In an amazing way.

I've felt completely on fire lately. God is so alive in me, I can hardly stand it. I'm craving more and more. This is the way it was always supposed to be. I've been missing out.

My earthly self is still holding on tight though. I can't shake her loose. I don't suppose I'll ever be able to. The holy spirit comforts my soul in a way I'd never be able to do myself. Yet, I have those earthly things leaking through. Sometimes I don't think I can escape the earthly desires of my heart. But God is so much greater than those things and that's all that matters.

Tonight we sang "Safe" by Phil Wickham. A song we're doing at the youth group per my suggestion. (You're welcome, :D) I was singing and the words had extra meaning to me tonight, because I was dwelling on them for a quite some time even after praise and worship was over. "Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life? Is the very same voice that calls you to rise" That is some compelling stuff. The voice that can raise people from the dead, is the voice we continue to ignore. How is that possible?? How... How can we ignore that? Why would we want to? It's baffling me. To my core, it is baffling me.

I will not ignore it any longer. I'm letting the spirit of God consume my life. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Switch.

I'm writing today because I feel guilty. God is flairing up my conscious... and rightfully so.

I've been struggling at work lately. I struggle with the thoughts that I'm not doing a good job, I struggle with the fact that my best friend in this office could possibly be leaving me, I'm struggling with looking at my clients like Jesus would. That's my biggest issue.

It has become such a struggle to keep the Jesus colored glasses on. I need to look at all my clients and love them, regardless of everything.

And some of little things that set me off are just absurd. For instance, giving a ride on a Sunday. My brain tells me "Sunday. Weekend. Hillary time." Which, given the stress of my job, I need "Hillary time". I need to be able to wind down from my week. I need those two days to just step away from it all. The only two days I'm not in the city of Detroit for most of my day. And let me tell you, being in Detroit for any length of time really effects me. It's sad. It makes my heart hurt.

I almost started crying in frustration earlier. Simply because one of my families needs me to give them a ride on Sunday. And I know they only ask me because they know I won't say no. Which, is extremely...just... I don't know.

I think it's just the complete disregard for considering me as a person. Sometimes I think my clients have a difficult time understanding that I am not a social worker 24/7. Which is odd to me. Because as soon as I am home, I am not a social worker anymore. I'm Hillary. Weird, dorky, pajama loving Hillary.

The guilt comes in when I fly off my hinges. In a fit of anger/frustration/almost crying to one of my co-workers. The co-worker I really, really want to be a good Christian around. But I'm closest to him compared to anyone else, which makes me more comfortable to vent and be frustrated to. It's a very difficult situation. NOT to say I'm not a good Christian around my other co-workers, it's just with him it's different.

I don't know.... I think I just need a vacation. Go up north. Breathe in the unpolluted air, look up at ALL the stars, get away from crazy city drivers, sit on the beach, read a book. Just take it allll in.

Yeah, I need that.

Axis.

My world seems off it's axis lately.

It's good and bad. Bad because I don't feel like myself. Bad because I sorta have a difficult time being around people. Good because it's brought me back to God. I mean, I've always been there, but just not as much as I should have been. Really getting back into the Bible.

Keeping up on my Bible reading has always been a challenge for me. I need to make it a habit. When I read the Word, it's like exercise for my soul. I feel so great afterwards. It's a wonder why it's so difficult for me to sit down and read it to begin with.

So, with my world out of balance, and my nose stuck in the Bible, maybe something will shift. In a good way.

I guess we shall see.

Regardless, with God involved, it'll always turn out good.

The singleton.

Hi, my name is Hillary, I'm in my mid-20's. I'm single and a Christian. (Hi Hillary).

I feel like a fall into a small little group of people within the Christian community. I used to feel weird about it. But I'm here to say, I'm a little proud of it. I like feeling unique, and if this is the way, then this is the way.

This should come as no surprise to me. I've always had a different mindset than people around me. I see the world in my own special way. My parents think I'm naive. That's perfectly fine with me. I don't want to be jaded by the world's expectations of who I should be at this age.

Last night at my unity group, we were talking about the last two chapters of Ephesians. We got to the section where it talks about women obeying their husbands. Which is a hot-topic discussions. Women get huffy and men puff up their chests, and this is because they don't really understand what it's communicating.

Everyone knows about the part where it talks about wives obeying their husbands. But little is mentioned about the husbands responsibilities to their wives. I'm single now, but I'm looking forward to the day when God provides me with a God loving man who will love me and care for me like Jesus did for His church. A man who will give up his life to protect me.

I will wait as long as I have to if that's what is waiting for me somewhere. Trust me.

Hard work.

It's hard work trying to constantly put a positive spin on things. I exhaust myself trying to do so.

As many of you know, I've had a rough past weeks. Mostly work related with a little bit of my personal life thrown in there. I'm still trudging through it. It's getting harder.

I was thinking just now how I think my life is probably like an etch-a-sketch and God has just shaken it up and now He's in the process of drawing a new sketch. That would be great. You all know how ready I am for something new and different. It's just the transition that is kind of a pain.

Once the dust settles, it seems like it'll be all good. So dust: settle quickly. I'm exhausted.

Escape.

I need to start planning some kind of escape route.

The last week or so my need to be someplace else has gotten really bad. I kind of feel like I'm wasting away my life here waiting for something that won't ever come. I don't even know what I'm waiting for.

I look at other people who go boldly into life and take risks and experience everything they can experience and I get a little jealous. I want to be that person. But I'm scared to. I will not lie to you lovely blog people. I am scared. I am scared of life, I am scared to do things alone, I am scared that I will fail. This pretty much applies to every aspect of my life; relationships included. I'm scared of relationships. No wonder I'm single, ha.

I don't want to be scared anymore. Everyone fails, but at least they tried, right?

The secondary part to my problem of being a scared little girl is that I'm not sure how to change any of this. So in my mind, I need to just uproot myself and try someplace else. That's the only solution my mind can come to. I know I threaten to leave so often that most of you probably look at it as an empty threat, which is understandable. It's just extremely terrifying to move myself away from what is familiar to someplace that isn't where I don't know anyone. But people do it all the time, so why can't I?

It's frustrating. To know I need to do something different, but not really know how or what to do. Time to be proactive I suppose. Go find the answer instead of waiting for it to fall in my lap.

Yeah. That'll work.

What's a girl to do?

There are so many things I want out of life. Most of the time I have a difficult time with not getting these things by the time I think I SHOULD get them. So childish and immature of me. My time on this earth is not my time. It's God's time. And I am learning to respect and appreciate that.

However.

When something happens that I wanted to happen, I don't know what to do with it. My heart races and I feel like I am having a "flight" reaction. Nerves.


Yesterday I applied for a position at a domestic violence shelter in Franklin, TN. Just outside of Nashville.

They called me this morning.
Now I'm freaking out.


That is all.

Not myself.

I haven't been feeling much like myself the last week or so. It's bugging me. Things just feel a little off.

I don't know if it is because of the trip. I had SO much fun in Germany. It was an amazing experience. The trip was simple, but kind of short, but it was amazing nonetheless.

Maybe it's because I know now there is the world out there that I had always wanted and craved. To have discovered that kind of place exists has thrown me off my axis, if you will. A kind of place where everything is as it was, and people still appreciated the simple life. A place that isn't over crowded and over run with subdivisions and malls and just stuff. A place where each town had a church tower that you could see looming above everything else in each little town nestled by the rivers. A place where they sell fruit and vegetables from carts on the streets (strawberries and asparagus). Where people walk or ride their bikes everywhere. It was really refreshing.

Then I had to come back to a place where every inch of available land is covered with buildings and houses and just stuff. It's particularly bad now seeing as most buildings are abandoned. We just need to knock them down and leave it be.

I think that's why living more south appeals to me. It's simpler there. At least that's the impression I've gotten when I've visited.

All in all. Things feel different. Like my world has been knocked around a little bit. I'm not sure yet if that's a good or bad thing. I guess, like always, I'm just ready for something new and Germany gave me a little taste of that. I am left trying to figure out where I belong and how I should get there. I feel a little out of place sometimes, it's just been more in my face lately.

I'll figure out. Eventually. Until then I'll just continue to complain :) I need to start taking my own advice. People come to me often for advice and I'd like to think I'm pretty good at it, so I think I need to start listening to myself.

I just miss Germany I guess. It really left an impression on me and it makes me kind of sad to be here and not there.

I'm going back. Anyone wanna join me???

My trip. :)

This will probably be the most epically long post I'll have ever written. I'm going to try and write in detail about my trip, because I want to share this experience with you all :)

Day 1- Endure a 8 1/2 hour flight over the big blue lake. Which I did not get to see because it was dark over the portion of the flight. I was really hoping to get to see Ireland, but it was all clouded over. Go figure. I did get to see England, the Netherlands and Germany from my plane window. I noticed that those countries don't section off land like we do. We do it in squares, they just create any 'ol shape. And the land wasn't cluttered with houses, and cities, and subdivisions. There was real space.

I arrived in Frankfurt, half dead asleep. My dad and I got lost in the airport trying to find the mietwagen (rental car) counter. Finally found it and drove to Mannheim. Mannheim was mostly destroyed during WW2 due to the industrial sites located in that area. So the city is very modern by German standards. I took a nap and joined my dad and his colleagues that night for dinner. Learned a lot about my dad's job. And the crazy people he works with.

So not a lot happened this first day.

Day 2-
My dad still had to work this day, so I spent it wandering around Mannheim by myself. I actually really enjoyed this. I walked around the downtown area and up a main street. It was nice to wander around and enjoy the people and the culture of the area. I even did some of things I saw other people doing, just to seem like a local. (Street cart pretzel and a gelato)


Day 3-
Today was our long day. We drove 3 hours to the region of Bavaria to visit a couple of castles. It was a beautiful drive. Got to see a lot of the German countryside which looked like it was straight from a fairy tale.
We visited Schloss Neuschwanstein and Schloss Hohenschwangau (Highland of the Swan). Crazy King Ludwig was born in Schloss Hohenschwangau, and he built Schloss Neuschwanstein. Crazy King Ludwig was obsessed with swans. Both castles were decorated in them. After he took over rule of Bavaria from his father he built Schloss (castle) Neuschwanstein. He had it designed by a stage designer, basically, because he wanted the castle to have a mystical feel to it. He resided in his new castle 100 some days before he was diagnosed mentally unfit to rule. The following day he was found dead by drowning alongside his psychiatrist. He details of his death are still unknown, and his castle remains unfinished. Very interesting.
Here is Schloss Hohenschwangau:


And here is Schloss Neuschwanstein:


Walt Disney modeled his princess castle after this one. The real deal is way more beautiful than the replica.

Day 4: Heidelberg
Now, Mannheim, where we were staying, was "new" Germany due to it being mostly leveled during WW2 because it was an industrial area, and were most likely manufacturing weapons or something. Heidelberg, just down the road, is old Germany. A classic town right on the Rhine. It was magical. I loved it. The town had some tourist aspects to it, but it didn't overcrowd the essence of the town itself. Our first stop was the cathedral in the town. We walked around, took some pictures, enjoyed the old church. I then spotted a sign that said we could go to the tower for 1.50 euro each. I made fork out the money and up we went. It was the best spent 1.50 euro on the entire trip. We climbed a stone spiral staircase, up to the tower. This church has been around since the 12th century and you could see it in the stairs.
Here's my dad:


And me:


We got to the top and I felt like I could see every square inch of Heidelberg. It was amazing. Kind of hard to describe if you weren't there. So here's a picture:



After the cathedral we went to the castle that was in Heidelberg. The castle here is more like a fortress. Built sometime in the 1100s. It had been destroyed and rebuilt from battles several times. There weren't many specifics on the the castle other than that.

Then we traveled to Speyer to see a cathedral there. This cathedral wasn't quite as stunning as the one in Heidelberg, but it was definitely bigger. This cathedral also had a crypt. This crypt held some tombs of emperors and such. The oldest being placed there in 1039.

Outside this cathedral was an interesting monument outside. I don't know if monument is the correct word, but I don't know what else to call it. It captured the moment of Jesus in the garden praying while his disciples slept. Then at the bottom there were Roman guards coming into the garden to arrest Jesus.


I thought it was an interesting choice as a piece of art outside this cathedral. I liked it a lot. And I was able to explain to my dad was it was, which was pretty cool.

Day 5: Schloss Garten/Castle Road
This was my last full day in Germany. That morning, we traveled to Schwetzingen. Schwetzingen had a well known castle and castle garden. I wasn't sure what to expect. But when we walked in I was completely blown away. The palace we went to has a massive garden. My dad and I were there probably three hours or so just exploring the grounds. It was beautiful. I kept thinking that if I lived in a palace, I would probably spend all of my time outside in the gardens. The flowers were beautiful, the trees were beautiful. There were little mazes off from the main pass. We found bird cages, fountains, parrots, ponds, bridges, statues. All kinds of things.

The history of Schloss Schwetzingen is that its first written record was in 1350. It was occupied by many different people, and the gardens really expanded in the 17th century.
Here are a few pictures:





I loved that place, I think I could have spent all day there.

After there we traveled along this road that my dad was suggested. My dad's co-worker told him there were castles there and it was right along the Rhine river. So we bit, and went for the drive. There was a castle about every 1/2 mile on this road. All were on the hill, overlooking the river. We took the time and stopped off at a little German town during our drive to eat. It was an adorable little town. There were ruins of an old cathedral there which was turned into a rememberence of the Jews who were wrongfully murdered during the holocaust.


We continued down castle road. We found a castle there that we were able to go into. This castle was like Heidelberg Schloss in that it was more of a fortress than a palace. For me it was the best because it was more out in the open and we were able to explore the grounds as we wished. It seemed every area was open to the public. It had underground tunnels and little nooks and crannies that I could explore. I loved being to explore at my leisure. I again, felt like I could have spent all day there. Just exploring and all. My dad wasn't so into me climbing into dark holes... party pooper. We are also forced to leave due to an impending thunderstorm.




That night we went to our airport hotel. I had my first and only German beer.



Day 6: Going home.
That morning I flew home. I was not thrilled about this. I think I could have just stayed there and lived happily ever after.

first impressions

Hello all.

I'm a world traveler! woo.

I've been here two days and really haven't seen much outside of Mannheim (where we are staying), but I love it here so far. I just spent like three hours just walking around the city. I came back to the hotel to cool off for a second.

So here are some things I've noticed so far:
-Jet lag sucks. By the time I got to the hotel yesterday, I'd been up 24 hours. Needless to say, but I took a nap, lol.
-The food is different, but I've enjoyed the majority of it so far. I bought a pretzel from a street cart today. It was delicious.
- I feel like God is hogging the cool part of the clouds. On the plane ride over, the clouds were beautiful.
- From the plane I noticed that Germany is very green.

And most of all, I love how classic everything is. In America we have to constantly update everything. I now decided we got screwed out of just awesome looking places. From what I've been told, Mannheim is pretty updated because I guess during WW2 it was bombed a lot. Not sure why, about to look it up though. The oldest things here are the wasserturm or water tower, and the university which used to be a palace. Some of the streets are still stone and some of the apartments are pretty classic looking. OH and people ride their bikes EVERYWHERE. Which is something I would also say the states is lacking.

Well that's all from me so far. May not hear from me again until I get home seeing as I have to pay for the internet in the room and it's like 13 euros a day. And my dad is off work after tonight, so we'll be doing more sight-seeing. I'm about to head out and try to find this chocolate shop I passed by earlier and to get some food. Wish me luck ordering food... haha.

God bless!!!!

Explorer!

Time to become a world traveler.

Tonight I hop on a plane and travel over the big pond. I am beyond excited. I don't know what to expect from this trip but I know it's gunna be good. I get to leave my norm and explore a new place.

This will be a nice break for me. I'm happy to have the chance to escape everything. I don't know when this opportunity will happen for me again, so I am going to cherish every second of it.

I'll see ya'll when I get back. Probably with a bigger need to explore and experience new places. Because that's usually what happens when I leave my usual stomping ground.

Stay tuned. :)

Everything&Nothing

Everything we need. Nothing we deserve.

Today at church while we were praying, that phrase popped into my head. Not sure where it came from or how it got there, but I may have come up with it on my own. Amazing. I'm not good with words most days... I wish I could write beautiful songs, or stories, but it's just not in the cards for me. So I'm proud of this.

Anyways. I digress.

It's so true isn't it? And it's just awesome. My faith in God and the power of Jesus will provide me with everything I'll ever need in my life. Yet I deserve none of it. How is that even remotely fair? It's not. But that's what makes Grace SO beautiful.

It keeps me going in life to know that God is beautiful, grace is beautiful, because this world is an ugly place. I like to try and have faith that human nature is mostly good. But there are some days that I just don't see that. I want people to be good, but it's just not there. Why do we hurt each other? Especially those of us who are helpless...defenseless. It doesn't make sense to me.

That's why I'm glad God shows His beautiful face everywhere. I see God in almost everything. I'm really blessed to see God in my world. Even if it's the small things, like smelling rain, pretty clouds, a kind word, my wonderful friends. I can see some of my friends really starting to grow in the Spirit and it makes me smile. So so much, it makes me smile. I hope they never lose that.

This post doesn't really flow. It's okay though. Sometimes the greatness of God jumbles up my thoughts because I don't always know how to put into words how amazing God really is.

Maybe I'll try my hand at songwriting... my creative brainfart has made me curious...

Worries.

I am not a worrier. Just not. Actually I think I'm so far the opposite, it's probably not good. But I like living virtually care free.

I do have a current worry though. At a meeting with our CEO and COO yesterday, it was brought up how my program's contract is up in October. They are putting in the bid for a new contact once it becomes available, but there is a chance that they won't get it. Then I will not have a job. So I'm in a pickle. Do I plan for the worst and look really hard for a new job, or kinda just ride it out and see what happens?

I don't like planning for future things. I will wait until the very last minute to plan anything and it's because when I plan things, they usually fall through. Which is fine, because life happens. :)

Maybe this is just my extra push to find something different, or maybe God is showing me to trust Him to provide for me no matter what. Maybe it's a little bit of both?

I guess we'll see what happens.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not really that worried. My ability to worry is probably pretty much non-existant I think. Ha.

That's all I got for now. I got some random things floatin' around in the 'ol noggin, but I'll save those for some other day. :)

God Bless. :)

organic praise.

Today at church the power went out. During praise and worship.

The band kept playing.

It was awesome.

It was nice to hear everyone singing. A few laughed, myself included because it was such ridiculous timing. But we just kept singing.


Not having words to read, not having power behind the music would not stop us from praising God. Rock.

God was smiling with us today.

That is all.

gettin' out of dodge..and when I say dodge, I mean here.

I am a bit perplexed about something. Go figure...

For quite some time now, I've felt that where I am now, is not where God wants me to stay. At the moment, things are going well for me here. God is using me through my job and my responsibilities at my church. But there is just this thing in my brain that keeps telling me to leave. I've got an itch to go someplace new, someplace different.

I'm perplexed because I do not know where that is, or how to get there. Or if that is even God telling me that or my own heart's discontent. And it worries me because I do not know if there is something different I should be doing to take these steps that I"m just not seeing. Something God wants me to do but I'm not doing. Not out of rebellion, but out of, just, ignorance or distraction.

It seems that within the next year things are going to be really different around the 'ol homestead. Lots of people making big choices and moves in their lives and I hate to see them go, but I'm happy for them. Happy that their lives are moving, and God is moving. Makes me think I NEED to be moving. And soon.

I don't know if I have the courage to go far. By myself. I'm terrible at making friends and it's taken me this long to really make good ones here. Nothing can stay the same, as it shouldn't. And I'm glad it's not, happy, in fact.

I need some direction. I need to know where and when I should be making my steps. God will guide me. Otherwise I wouldn't know what the heck to do. And I'm glad He's there, otherwise I wouldn't know what to do.

I think I may start looking for jobs in other cities. Maybe outside of Michigan and I know I've said this before but maybe I'll actually do it this time and if it's God's will then He will open doors for me. I know this for a fact.

So just pray that God will reveal His path for me. So I know what direction I need to be moving in...

What If?

I don't usually ask 'what if?' questions. I don't like the uncertainty it causes me to have about my own life or that I feel like I've missed out on something better because of the way things transpired. Some 'what if's' can leave me feeling grateful. Others can leave me feeling empty.

I was thinking of a "what if" right now and it led me to think of the ultimate "what if". What if Christ had never risen on that first Easter. It gives me chills to think of it, but sometimes I need that reminder of how important what Christ did is to me and to us. He took on OUR sin, to save US. That kind of Love is SO beyond me. Even as I sit here at my computer and try to comprehend that kind of grace and love... leaves me without words to say.

I know I don't deserve that kind of Love. I don't. I sin constantly. Even without realizing it until later, if at all. I am broken, we are broken, the world is broken. But what God has done can make us whole again. Even now, after so many years of being a Christian, it amazes me. I guess that's why songs like "Amazing Grace" are so popular... it speaks volumes.

So tomorrow (today) and every day for the rest of my life I will try and remain amazed and in awe of God's love for us.

Another one.

Well folks. I spoke too soon. Had myself another bad dream two nights ago. When I woke up from this dream I realized that it is all too familiar.

This time, it was not a friend who was trying to harm me. It was just a man. A man who was creeping around my house and gazing into the windows looking for me. He knocked on the door and someone let him in. I hid. It was pretty creepy.

When I woke up, I suddenly remembered that I have these kinds of dreams often. I don't know why that kind of thing is lurking in my subconscious. This man wanted to hurt me, and then kill me. Ugh.

I wonder if it's from all the fear I ignore most days. Some would say I'm naive when it comes to some realities. I am an in-home social worker in Detroit. I wouldn't say this the safest profession for me to have stumbled upon, but I am not fearful. I work alone, most days, and I don't just walk into my office and sit there for 8 hours. For example, today, I will spend approximately two hours in my office, and outside of that I am in the field.

I have no fear. I wonder if that makes me brave or just stupid. I wouldn't say stupid. I think it makes me brave, so that's what I'm going to run with.

Believe it or not, when I move on from this job, I think I'll miss the city a little bit. I heard a radio ad the other day that was saying the Detroit has a pulse. I 110% agree with that. Detroit is struggling, but the city is alive. You just need to know what you're looking for. Outside the abandoned, gutted structures, are the people. The people who breathe life and culture into the city. It's really amazing when I see it.

I'm glad I don't live my life in fear. There isn't much I'm afraid of. Things I'm scared of are kind of random: drowning, centipedes, cancer, balloons...

What are some random things you're scared of??

So I will continue on, living my life without fear. Call me naive, but I'd rather be this way, than to miss out on the life God has created for us. Ya know?

Dreams.

I had a bad dream last night. I never usually have bad dreams... but when I do, they shake me to the core. Fortunately, this one I can barely remember, but it's still sticking to my brain.

This is what I remember. I was with my friends, doing what we do... shenanigans. And suddenly one of them lashed out and tried to kill me. I was terrified. The idea of someone I trust, sincerely wanting me dead was a little disheartening... to say the least. At the very least, I only have a vague memory of this dream, so I'm alright, lol.

Dreams are so crazy to me. I don't remember dreams as often as I used to, which makes me a little sad. I used to love waking up and replaying the little episode in my mind the next morning. I also rarely have bad dreams. I've known a few people throughout my life who usually only have nightmares. That's no fun.

I wonder if God still uses dreams the way He used to. Showing people the way while they sleep. And them having faith strong enough to know that was a sign from God showing them what to do. I wonder if I'd be able to distinguish that. Hmm..

If anyone has a technique to remembering dreams, you should tell me. Because I miss it. :) I think, also, if I start remembering my dreams again, I'm going to document them here, because I've had some crazy ones. :-P

That's all of my rambling nonsense, procrastination for now. Pray that my almost murderer doesn't kill me today when I see him, lol.

Just a number.

Britts-Crackers and I were talking earlier about some silly things. And I was suddenly reminded of how old I am. I had a mini-panic attack. haha.

I'm 25 1/2. Eek.

I'm caught somewhere between being terrified of 26, and just not thinking about it. Not thinking about it is not really a defense mechanism.. I really just forget my age. It's really odd, I don't feel like I'm going to be 26 this year. I really don't. I feel more refreshed and alive now than ever. I am really starting to really be myself, and be who I want to be without being afraid of what other people will think of me. I've got myself a pretty darned good group of friends who I know love me for me. I've said that here before, but I really mean it. I heart them. :)

Age really is just a number. I'm not rushed to get things done. I know I may mention it sometimes, but sometimes I think I say it because I feel like I should, or that I'm supposed to. Sure I want to get married, and have a family. But I think, that right now, I'm kind of okay with the way things are. I don't know. I really feel like my brain is wired backwards. I teeter between not caring and being panicked about how old I am and that I'm not quite where other people are at, at my age. As a Christian female, it is kind of the norm to be at least married by now, if not darn near close to starting a family. Honestly, I don't feel like that is just for me yet. Maybe if the opportunity presented itself, I'd feel differently, but right now, I'm not feeling any rush or hurry.

I feel wrong for feeling this way. I don't not want these things, but I've finally gotten to a place where I can feel comfortable with myself the way things are. I'm happy for that.

I know my last few posts have been glass half full silliness, but I really am happy. Joyful even. I hope others can see it. I really do. I want to be that person that just lights up a room with the joy that only God can provide. I feel like that's a pretty good goal to have. :)

I also hope that I can inspire girls to find their worth in other things than whether or not boys like them. Being beautiful to yourself makes you beautiful to other people. I'm really beginning to believe that.

So that's all of my rambling. My thoughts are kind of scattered, but in a good way. Sorry if my writing reflects that. :) Just gunna have to deal with it.


That's all. God bless!!!

In my face.

God has been all up in my face lately. And I so much appreciate it.

People are moved in different ways. A good book, movie, a kind word, etc. I've been realizing lately that music really speaks to me. A lot. I always feel closest to God during praise and worship at church. And I feel like I understand life a little better when it's written in a song. Even if there are no words, I kinda just get it.

I've been working lately at honing my guitar skills. It's a very slow process. I wish I had known all this earlier in life so that I could have really taken advantage of my younger mind. They say it's much harder to learn music/new languages when you get older and I consider music my second language. Even though I'm stumbling through it.

Update wise:
I'm still trying to find my way. My job hasn't been too horrible lately. Getting through the holidays at this job is always difficult, and now two-ish months later, I've finally gotten back into a groove.

I've been working out a lot lately. I'm becoming addicted to it again, like I was when I was at school. It's good times. Even if I do have to work out with those silly boys (who are pretty ok, but I would never tell them that, they already love themselves too much :P).

Still single. Still okay with it. I get into funks every once in a while, but nothing that really kills me. I know God knows what's best for me, and I'm enjoying life right now with no committments, so I know that's how God wants it for now. Just enjoying the possibilities of life, ya know?

I'm going to Germany at the end of April. I am SUPER excited. Going to Europe was on my Bucket List, so I'll be able to cross that off. (I should probably make an actual Bucket List...just as a reference point, and so I can cross things off of it). I'll be in Germany for a week. Take two days off for travel time. We are planning to see castles, go up into the Alps, drive on an Autobaun (eek), eat street pizzas, and I'm currently trying to talk my dad into going to Paris (fingers crossed on that one). The only thing I'm not looking forward to is the plane ride there and back. 8hrs there and 9.5hrs back(flying against the wind). Needless to say, I'm super pumped! :)

That's all. I was just tryin to kill some time at work before our meeting, you know, instead of doing casenotes...don't judge me! :)

I'm out.
God bless :)

Oscars.

Alright, I'm not one to normally comment on pop culture. But I have to admit, I love my award shows, so I decided to make mention of it here. Why the heck not?

1) Christoph Waltz, the Jew Hunter from Inglourious Basterds, is probably one of the most humble celebrities I've seen. I think we can take some notes from him. After he won, I wanted to give him a hug, lol.

2) George Clooney was plastered and it was funny.

3) NPH (Neil Patrick Harris) was hysterical at the beginning of the show.

4) I didn't see Precious, but I wanted Gabourey Sidibe to win best actress b/c she's just adorable.

5) However, I did want Sandra Bullock to win, because I like her and I feel like she deserved it. So yay!

6) I want to be refined like Helen Mirren I'm her age.

7) Miley Cyrus? Really?

8) Robert Downey Jr. is just awesome.

9) And Ryan Reynolds....really...need I say more? :-P

10) Out of the ten nominees, I felt The Hurt Locker and Inglourious Basterds deserved to win Best Picture. Hurt Locker did, so good deal.



Ok. That is all of the just random nonesense. :)

Refocused.

God is huge to me. Well God is huge to everyone, but whether or not they are aware of it, is their deal. And like I've stated here before, I spend some of my time unconsciously fighting Him, like the imperfect, sinning, human being I am. I honestly believe that realizing that first, is a great way to begin your relationship with God.

Today at church, I was given a much needed burst of energy. I had been teetering on the thoughts of how much I needed God and how much i'd been fighting that need lately. I feel like God knows that I need those little reminders, by placing experiences in my life that remind me of how much I need Him and how much I need to live for Him, constantly.

There are sometimes at church where I feel like God wants me to specifically hear what is being said, like it's being spoken directly to me. Today was one of those days. I always get a whole heck of a lot out of the entire service. And I've always been especially tuned into praise and worship, because music always speaks volumes to me, Christian or not. Talks do too, and today was no exception. My pastor was saying something to the effect of "we want Jesus to change our circumstances, not who we are". That struck me. Because I have an enormous tendency to expect my relationship with Jesus to be just that.

That is so completely backwards. I even wrote that in my notes... "That is backwards". I need to refocus my energy to my relationship with God, and leave my earthly relationships alone, because I know that when I'm focused on my Father, everything else falls into place. And I KNOW this. How easily our faulty minds forget. Side bar: when I say relationships, I mean not just with people, but with everything.

It's hard to put into words what I felt today. Like God was speaking right into my ear saying "are you listening Hillary, because you need to hear this". It's really difficult to explain with any kind of eloquence, and I apologize for that.

So hopefully now, after a good kick in the bum from my wonderful Heavenly Father, I can reboot my system with a fresh attitude. Throw my energy at Christ. Because really, He is all I'll ever need and everything else is an undeserved blessing from Him. So thank you God for continuing to remind me of how much I need You and thank you for continuing to give me blessings I so clearly do not deserve.

Amen :)

The fight.

I have always considered myself a lover and not a fighter. I try not to fight or push people in any sort of a way because I do feel it really does not much good in the long run. People just end up hurt or broken.

With that in mind, I was thinking today what it's like when we fight God's will. Christians always say they want God's will in their life, but when it comes down to it, how often to we really go with that flow? I feel I may fight God's will for me more often than I realize.

The past couple of days I've done a lot of thinking about God's will. And how frustrated I get when I pray it for, and find that path, but I'm not happy with it. Find myself saying "Well, God, this isn't what makes me happy right now, so why not give me a little of what I want, and then I'll jump back on the path". That's so stupid. God's will is what He knows is best for me, so why on earth would I want to fight that?

My life overall certainly has not turned out how I've expected it to. This is something I dwell on a lot. And most days is really frustrating and somewhat upsetting, however when I really meditate on it, I'm glad things aren't always what I expect. How boring would life be if we had everything we anticipated we would? So very boring.

I thought by now I'd have it all figured out. I will not lie to you people, I still have no idea what I want out of life and I'm so glad for all the possibilities I have. Call me a late bloomer, but I guess that's just the way God wanted it to be. God knows what He wants from me in my time here on earth, and I suspect it's not time yet for me to really see what that is. For now, I'm on the path. Not to say I won't fall off of it, because I have and I will because I am a human full of sin and I will make mistakes.

But for now, I'm open to whatever life has to throw at me. I'm in love with the idea that my life is so full of possibilities, it's amazing. Recently after I've realized this, I've become open to so many things. Things I would have turned down in the past. Why would I ever limit the short time God has given me on this earth to live? I'm trying really hard to be a spontaneous and joyful person. I like it so far. :)

My point here is this: fighting God's will makes me unhappy. I realized that. And I am SO excited to see the life God has planned for me because I know that as long as I follow His will, I have no limits to the things I can do and accomplish.

So thank you God for always knowing what's best for me even when I don't. And thanks for knowing what is best for everyone else, and my hope is that we will all learn to follow His will in the things that we do.

New way.

Hey kids! Haven't been here in a while. I try not write when I have nothing positive to say... but that's when I want to write the most. I make more sense of things when I write them out.

This year I've made resolutions without making them...if that makes sense. I decided to better my life by doing things I normally wouldn't and trying things I normally wouldn't just let go. So far so good. I'm letting down barriers.

Recently I've been thinking, that this point in my life is the first opportunity I've had to really relax and let the world around me, actually KNOW me.

My family moved here when I was in the second half of 8th grade. Perfect...not. All throughout high school I was experiencing the typical teenage "who am I?" phase. I went away to college to figure that out...which never happened. I was still uncomfortable with myself and it made it difficult to make real connections with people. Also didn't help that I came home for the summers just to leave at about the time the real connections were starting, just to be lost again when I left back to school.

Then I graduated. I got my college degree and moved home. Something I never intended on doing (moving home, that is). I never really liked downriver, and I never made it a secret, in fact, I'm still not too fond of it. But over the past year and a half or so I have been able to settle into a life. A life where I'm involved in church, I have a "good" job, and where I have made real connections, with real friends. I realize now that I have been missing that for some time.

It's been an interesting concept to me that this is the way life is supposed to be lived, especially since I haven't had this kind of experience since I was a kid. And I really enjoy it. I'm content, but I'm not complacent. Deep down inside I don't want to place any roots here, but so far it appears that this is were God wants me to be, so here is where I will remain for now. Even though there is still that little part in the back of brain that is screaming at me to get out. But for now, I will stay, and for the first time I'm not completely unhappy about that.

I am happy. In a society where it is normal for people to not be happy, I am. And for that, I would like to thank God for giving me a brain that doesn't work like everyone else's : ) But seriously, thank you.



Oh, and thank you friends for loving me for who I am.