Wednesday, July 28, 2010

fighting with myself.

The holy spirit is moving. Swirling around me like a dust storm. Completely overturning everything. In an amazing way.

I've felt completely on fire lately. God is so alive in me, I can hardly stand it. I'm craving more and more. This is the way it was always supposed to be. I've been missing out.

My earthly self is still holding on tight though. I can't shake her loose. I don't suppose I'll ever be able to. The holy spirit comforts my soul in a way I'd never be able to do myself. Yet, I have those earthly things leaking through. Sometimes I don't think I can escape the earthly desires of my heart. But God is so much greater than those things and that's all that matters.

Tonight we sang "Safe" by Phil Wickham. A song we're doing at the youth group per my suggestion. (You're welcome, :D) I was singing and the words had extra meaning to me tonight, because I was dwelling on them for a quite some time even after praise and worship was over. "Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life? Is the very same voice that calls you to rise" That is some compelling stuff. The voice that can raise people from the dead, is the voice we continue to ignore. How is that possible?? How... How can we ignore that? Why would we want to? It's baffling me. To my core, it is baffling me.

I will not ignore it any longer. I'm letting the spirit of God consume my life. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I'm writing today because I feel guilty. God is flairing up my conscious... and rightfully so.

I've been struggling at work lately. I struggle with the thoughts that I'm not doing a good job, I struggle with the fact that my best friend in this office could possibly be leaving me, I'm struggling with looking at my clients like Jesus would. That's my biggest issue.

It has become such a struggle to keep the Jesus colored glasses on. I need to look at all my clients and love them, regardless of everything.

And some of little things that set me off are just absurd. For instance, giving a ride on a Sunday. My brain tells me "Sunday. Weekend. Hillary time." Which, given the stress of my job, I need "Hillary time". I need to be able to wind down from my week. I need those two days to just step away from it all. The only two days I'm not in the city of Detroit for most of my day. And let me tell you, being in Detroit for any length of time really effects me. It's sad. It makes my heart hurt.

I almost started crying in frustration earlier. Simply because one of my families needs me to give them a ride on Sunday. And I know they only ask me because they know I won't say no. Which, is extremely...just... I don't know.

I think it's just the complete disregard for considering me as a person. Sometimes I think my clients have a difficult time understanding that I am not a social worker 24/7. Which is odd to me. Because as soon as I am home, I am not a social worker anymore. I'm Hillary. Weird, dorky, pajama loving Hillary.

The guilt comes in when I fly off my hinges. In a fit of anger/frustration/almost crying to one of my co-workers. The co-worker I really, really want to be a good Christian around. But I'm closest to him compared to anyone else, which makes me more comfortable to vent and be frustrated to. It's a very difficult situation. NOT to say I'm not a good Christian around my other co-workers, it's just with him it's different.

I don't know.... I think I just need a vacation. Go up north. Breathe in the unpolluted air, look up at ALL the stars, get away from crazy city drivers, sit on the beach, read a book. Just take it allll in.

Yeah, I need that.

Sunday, July 4, 2010


My world seems off it's axis lately.

It's good and bad. Bad because I don't feel like myself. Bad because I sorta have a difficult time being around people. Good because it's brought me back to God. I mean, I've always been there, but just not as much as I should have been. Really getting back into the Bible.

Keeping up on my Bible reading has always been a challenge for me. I need to make it a habit. When I read the Word, it's like exercise for my soul. I feel so great afterwards. It's a wonder why it's so difficult for me to sit down and read it to begin with.

So, with my world out of balance, and my nose stuck in the Bible, maybe something will shift. In a good way.

I guess we shall see.

Regardless, with God involved, it'll always turn out good.