Stop. Rewind. Start over.

Regret is a miserable thing to live with. Regret has been my house guest in some form or another for a while. It has overstayed it's welcome.

"What ifs" kill me. What if I had made this choice, what if I had made that choice? I spent a lot of time before I went to college not following God's path. I didn't really acknowledge asking God before I made decisions. And it's not because I didn't want to, it was more because I didn't know.

I went to Grand Valley because that's where I wanted to go. I didn't apply anywhere else. I changed my degree from nursing to criminal justice because Riverview didn't teach me how to study and the science classes were killing me.

I often wonder where I'd be if I kept with nursing. If I'd be working in a hospital. Helping people become healthy of body, and maybe of soul. Or if I'd gone to a different college, what would have happened. And I know it's bad to think like this. I have to discover God's path for me now, instead of what it could have been had I been more conscious of what he wanted for me 7ish years ago.

I'm still struggling. Inside I know I'm not who I need to be. I have to make some changes as a result. I had pretty much a nervous breakdown last Thursday morning. Something bad happened at work and everything that I've been pushing down inside just starting overflowing out of me. My poor mother had to witness it. I can only pretend things are okay for so long. They just aren't. In my hysterics I said to my mom "Can't I just quit?!" And she told me to go ahead. My dad told me too, that I could quit.

So people, that's what I'm going to do. I am going to blindly quit my job. Take an enormous leap of faith into the unknown. I know God will provide for me.

And for the record, this is a difficult choice for me to make. But in the long run, I would never just give up on something if I saw hope in it. I do not see hope for myself here. Things will not get better. It's better for my spirit to just let it go. Move on. Find my purpose somewhere else.

Everyone experiences a soul searching moment in their life. This is mine. I'm working with a blank slate and hopes of something better. I am just not quite sure what that means yet.

I am fully aware not everyone is going to understand or approve of my decision here. That's okay. I know in my heart what this has done to me. How it feels to be doing what I do, with the personality I have. I can't change my personality, my beliefs to accommodate this job. I am who I am and it's not working. My mind, my body, my soul are exhausted.

After the fact:
I wrote the above part before I officially resigned or told any coworkers. I would like to say everyone has been amazingly supportive. So thanks everyone for that. I'll miss the good things about my job and i Hope I'll be able to find that somewhere else. My official last day is October 29th.

Three more weeks. 14 more work days.