I carry a burden that very few could really understand. I am a Christian and a social worker. There is no way around that right now. It's rips my heart to shreds.
I've been working to find something else. Anything else. I'm losing myself to my job and I can't stop it. I used to be relaxed, low key, sweet, caring. I'm losing that Hillary. I don't know if people see that part of me anymore and it is literally killing me. I want her back.
I often wonder how people view me now versus before all this. If I'm actually different or if it's in my head. I don't want to be jaded. I don't want to be negative. I want to be full of joy. Peace. Kindness. I'm not sure if I am. At least, not like I used to be.
I'm writing here because I don't really know another way to explain this all. Without the "Hillary's complaining about her job again" thinking. It goes deeper than that.
The one shining, bright spot of joy in all of this is my daily interactions with God. I've seen God do some amazing things. Basically just protecting me, guiding me, building me up. Giving families a second chance with their lives. I do honestly believe I have nothing to do with it, that I'm just an accessory. These parents made up their minds a while ago if they were going to do what they could to get their kids back and they did it all on their own before I even step into the picture.
I haven't made it a day in the last week without tearing up. Today is no exception. I have to worry about my own well-being, as well as the well-being of four other families, right now at least it's four. It's kind of becoming too much to handle with any semblance of sanity.
I will make it through. I'm not trying to say I won't. But, for right now, things are difficult. I feel stuck.. and sometimes alone. I do KNOW God is right here with me. I do know that. It's what gets me through my days. God pretty much carrying me the whole way.
For now, I will be exhausted, a little depressed, but resilient. Determined to pull myself up and out of this valley. I will find myself again. In the midst of God's glory, I'm sure.
Until then, I'm sorry if I'm crabby, exhausted, boring... I'm trying my best. But sometimes it's just too much. Happy, shiny, joyful Hillary will eventually resurface. She's in there, hiding, only to poke her head out when she knows it's safe.
I'll be okay again.
2 comments:
It is in the journey. That is where we find God at work. Sometimes we have to go through times of intense discomfort to see God working in us. Sometimes, we really have to suffer to know what it is like to be a Christian. I pray for you. I pray that God will ease your anxiety. Just know that you don't have to become jaded, this is a life choice. Fill your life with positive things to remind yourself that there is a huge difference in what happens in Detroit and what happens in the world sometimes. At least in the families you work with. You are gonna be ok, you are resilient.
I agree with Zombie. I do see the stress and frustration, but the low key, caring, and sweet Hillary is still there. She just gets tired sooner now :)
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