I'm writing today because I feel guilty. God is flairing up my conscious... and rightfully so.
I've been struggling at work lately. I struggle with the thoughts that I'm not doing a good job, I struggle with the fact that my best friend in this office could possibly be leaving me, I'm struggling with looking at my clients like Jesus would. That's my biggest issue.
It has become such a struggle to keep the Jesus colored glasses on. I need to look at all my clients and love them, regardless of everything.
And some of little things that set me off are just absurd. For instance, giving a ride on a Sunday. My brain tells me "Sunday. Weekend. Hillary time." Which, given the stress of my job, I need "Hillary time". I need to be able to wind down from my week. I need those two days to just step away from it all. The only two days I'm not in the city of Detroit for most of my day. And let me tell you, being in Detroit for any length of time really effects me. It's sad. It makes my heart hurt.
I almost started crying in frustration earlier. Simply because one of my families needs me to give them a ride on Sunday. And I know they only ask me because they know I won't say no. Which, is extremely...just... I don't know.
I think it's just the complete disregard for considering me as a person. Sometimes I think my clients have a difficult time understanding that I am not a social worker 24/7. Which is odd to me. Because as soon as I am home, I am not a social worker anymore. I'm Hillary. Weird, dorky, pajama loving Hillary.
The guilt comes in when I fly off my hinges. In a fit of anger/frustration/almost crying to one of my co-workers. The co-worker I really, really want to be a good Christian around. But I'm closest to him compared to anyone else, which makes me more comfortable to vent and be frustrated to. It's a very difficult situation. NOT to say I'm not a good Christian around my other co-workers, it's just with him it's different.
I don't know.... I think I just need a vacation. Go up north. Breathe in the unpolluted air, look up at ALL the stars, get away from crazy city drivers, sit on the beach, read a book. Just take it allll in.
Yeah, I need that.
2 comments:
Service is always challenging. And people will take advantage in unhealthy ways sometimes. You need to ask yourself: Is it really beneficial for your client that you do X for them? Whatever X is. Does that thing move them where they really need to go or does it just allow them to keep standing still or even moving in the wrong direction? I think limitations are essential for any spiritual or personal growth. Knowing that you are NOT available at certain times requires them to find solutions that don't involve you, which is probably a good thing. If saying "no" is what's best for someone, don't you really want to do what's best for them, even if it makes them mad at you? And sometimes you are the "someone" that needs consideration. What good are you going to be to people who you are so frustrated and angry with? Maybe part of your frustration is in that you don't have confidence that you really should be doing that thing for that person. Perhaps the fact that they take advantage of people like you is a big part of their problem. Perhaps hearing "no" is just what they need to hear sometimes. I really believe that a lot of peace comes from knowing you are doing what you should be doing. How they respond is their business. I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong, but just in case things are off, I just remind you: You can't live your life trying to produce positive responses in other people. I do this sometimes and I find that the real me sort of disappears. My identity in Christ gets lost in the wants and needs of others. And it makes me sick. So I work hard not to be driven by the expectations of others. It's hard, but it's doable.
Wow Dave. Thanks, seriously. I needed to hear that. :)
Post a Comment