Clarity.

Through the chaos there is clarity.

Things have become very clear to me in the last couple of days. It's really odd. Don't get me wrong, I definitely love it and I absolutely still have a lot of uncertainties, but nothing seems so bad.

I can honestly say, I'm really happy right now. And I can't even tell you exactly why. Maybe it's because I've finally let God have some control over my life. Let Him lead the way instead of me thinking that I know how things SHOULD be. Which is definitely wrong.

And I can't even tell you what exactly it is that I'm clear about. Because I don't know, things just seem right...who knows what that means for me in the coming months, but I guess we shall see. I guess I'm going to stop expecting things out of life and just go where God tells me to. And stay away from things that I know don't feel right...because that's God flicking me in the brain. And I'm glad I've recognized that. When I have an unsettled feeling, I think I can usually say that is God speaking straight to me.


I just really hope that this feeling lasts. But now that I found it, I can just keep chasing it.

No change.

I think I was wrong about my life being different in the next month.

It's okay though.

My birthday is this month. It's the first time I'm not really looking forward to it. I'm turning 25 and I feel like I haven't done anything with my life. Which I know is my own fault, but I don't really know what else I could be doing. I'm stuck in this young adult-adult period in my life. Your 20's are so confusing!!

And most of the time I feel like I'm living each day just wanting it to be over, and that is so wrong. I want to live life so that I'm sad each day is over and that I'm so looking forward to what the next day has to offer. It's not really running like that right now.

But I guess recognizing that is the first step to fixing it.

That's what I'll be working on...my life project.

However, GOD remains has awesome as ever. I honestly don't know how people go through life without seeking His guidance and strength. Because I know for certain I could not make it through this life without God's strength. There is no way. For that, I am grateful to have God to lean on.

So very grateful.

Change.

It weirds me out that my life a month from now could be so much different than it is now.

Or it could be exactly the same.

I guess I will eventually find out, won't I?

Question.

Do you think Adam and Eve are in Heaven??

That thought occurred to me this morning.

Now I'm curious.

The pen meets the paper.

I don't know how much I'm going to post on here anymore. I don't like going back and reading my previous posts on blogger. I don't feel like that the way I represent myself on here is really who I am.

Sometimes I read old journal entries I've written in actual journals. They are much more organic. A much better representation of who I am as a person. Which is probably directly related to the fact that no one, except for myself of course, reads them. I wish that person would come out here, I like her a lot better.

The person here just whines about life and that things aren't going the way I think they should go. Which is completely stupid because nothing will ever go my way. It will always go God's way. Then why, oh why do I just complain on here. That's not typically who I am. I definitely have my weak moments in life where I cry out "why not me???" to one of my poor friends (usually Britt, bless her). But deep down in my being I know everything will come in God's time, not my time.


So I really think I'm going to attempt to stick to writing in my paper journal. None of this online shenanigans.

And personally, I love the way it feels to write with pen and paper. Typing just doesn't have that appeal.

Trying.

I've had a rough time the last week and a half or so. I'm not really sure why. Today I woke up (bright and early at 6am)and decided that even though I feel like I'm in a funk, I'm just going to focus on God. And how awesome He is.

So far so good. I'm dead tired, which I would typically gripe about, but I'm doing okay. I went to pick up clients at 8am to bring them to camp...they decided not to go. Again, still doing okay. And then I drove around forever trying to find a Biggby Coffee (I need caffine something fierce), still not doing so bad.

I am pretty miserable at my job. I feel like as a social worker I'm being used, and I have a leash tying me to work at all times. I'm trying to not focus on that. Zombie told me last week that I am changing lives. I still don't know how I feel about that. I guess I just need have faith in myself like I know God has faith in me and like my friends have faith in me.

As for right now, I still have a lot of things to sort out. Some decisions to make. A lot of things to pray about. As we all do. I just need to keep looking to God, because looking anywhere else is no good and just drives me/us farther from where we need to be.

Shark Week.

I watched a significant portion of Shark Week programming this evening and learned a few things.

First. Don't eff with sharks. I'm with Zombie in the whole respectfully fearing category. Sharks, I fear you, but I also respect you.

Second. If you do decide to eff with sharks, don't whine when you get bit.

Third. How on earth does Discovery Channel pull off this every year? Every year we learn the same thing, which I've reviewed here, don't eff with sharks. We know they can and will bite you if they really feel like it. Somehow they manage every year to steal our attention away from life for a week to watch shows about sharks. They are skilled. I respect Discovery Channel as well.

This provokes many questions and comments from me. But I'll pose only one to you here:


What other animals do you want to see Discovery Channel dedicate a week to????

Ready. Set. GO.

Nothing much.

Notta mucho going on right now. Hence the lack of posts.

I refuse to continue whining about life via blog. I don't want to be one of those people.

So until something fun or interesting happens, radio silence will continue.

=)

Half empty.

I think this post is going to be "glass half empty".

No tales of a social worker #2 this week due to the fact that I've had a pretty bad week. More bad than good for right now. Most days I just want to quit my job and hide under a rock. Today was definitely one of those day.

And on top of all that, my car died today. It can be fixed I'm told. However, if it is expensive I will cry. I can almost guarantee it. I hate our reliance on cars. I wish I worked close enough to my home that I could walk or ride my bike to work. I wonder if the Riverview Police Department is hiring for anything..hm...

Next-I really enjoy being able to make my own schedule, but I am really starting to not like how it changes every week. I don't like not knowing when I'll have time to do things. Like, I've been feeling pretty horrible about myself lately. And if I could just figure out a time to be able to run, or be able to run on a regular basis, I'd feel so much better. But alas, that is not true. I've made too many obligations outside of work as well. gah..

Sorry about the complain-fest. I'm just having a pretty all-around bad week and needed to let it all out.



I swear I"m being forced to work harder for my week off I have coming up...if only I can not lose my mind before then...

here's hopin'.

Tales of a Social Worker #1

Alright-since I only just decided to do this little segment like two days ago, it's going to be not so interesting this week, because I wasn't particularly observant.

The event that inspired this segment. And it's not really even super interesting, it is just that this has never happened to me before and I was impressed. I was driving down the lodge and I glanced at a lady driving next to me... passing me I should say, after I was already going 10 over the speed limit. So she was going like 15 over. Anyways. As I glanced, she was yawning something fierce. That yawn, made ME yawn. All I could think was, "Geez, that yawn has got some power". A yawn that inspired a blog. I told you it wasn't interesting.

Next. I was driving through Delray aka the ghetto. And not just like, hey this is kinda ghetto-y. No. Delray IS the ghetto. Anywhoo. I was coming up to a light. And it was green. BUT it was also blinking red. I didn't know what to do. Thank goodness there were not cars around, so I just stopped for the blinking red and continued on my way.

Lastly. I was driving to a clients house on Friday. She lives off of Gratiot. I got off 94 to Gratiot and was preparing to turn right. There was also a fire truck in the other right hand turn lane (there are two). The fire truck and I turned at the same time. As I was turning I noticed in my pariph a red pick-up truck around to t-bone me. So I swerved. I looked back to make sure he still wasn't going to hit me and I turned just in time to see him giving me a look that screamed "why did YOU just almost hit ME?" I seriously think the dude thought I ran the light. He then proceeded to follow me down Gratiot. Pull over when I was stopped at a red light and write down my license plate number. Not worried though. He ran the light, not me. And honestly, I think the Detroit police have their hands full with murders and drugs and such, and aren't really concerned with finding me.

Ok. That was all for my first "Tales of a Social Worker". Stay tuned for next week because I'm pretty sure my next week is going to be full of goodies.

New Idea.

I saw something random today that inspired me.

I feel like I should create a segment on my blog (since I'm not writing much as of late) that features the random, crazy, silly, scary things I hear about, see, and that happen to me daily while driving around Detroit. I'll call it "Tales of Social Worker".

The event inspired this was extremely minor. Actually made me laugh, and it's not really related to Detroit or social work, so I'm not really sure what made me think of it.


Anyways. I'll start compiling tidbits during the week and post them here laters.

PEACE.

20 days

I haven't posted a blog in 20 days.

I will state it's because nothing is going on in my life, so I hate to bore you with everyday things.

Also, sometimes I'll start to write a blog and for some reason they lead to complain-fests and I try not to do that ever. via blog or life.


So. Radio silence until something exciting happens. Until then. Peace to you.

without.

I was pondering something yesterday. That perhaps, isn't something to ponder, but I thought it was effective for me. I was wondering to myself what my life would be or how I would be if I didn't know Christ.

I would like to think I'd still be compassionate, still be wanting to change the world and show others love, but you can never be too sure. I would like to think I'd still want to wait for marriage for certain things, and I would like to think that I would think of others first instead of trying to move up for myself in life.

I can hope I'd still me. BUT I know I would feel so hopeless in the meantime. I have gone through things, and felt things that I know I wouldn't be able to make it through without God's protection and grace. I know I wouldn't. I can't really even think of how I would handle life if I didn't know God was right there at my side.

It's a scary thought.

I still feel bored with my life right now. I still feel like I need to do something more than what I'm doing. I am still not sure how. I think I need to start really change how I'm doing life right now. I really enjoy the traditions I've created here, I feel like I belong around the people I'm around, however, I feel like I'm creating to many earthly connections. I don't want to feel bad if God calls me to do something. I'd be sad to leave it all behind, but I need to do what God wants me to do, not what everyone else wants me to do. I'm really fighting that right now. Stop being a people-pleaser, be a God-pleaser. Right?

Right.

Elimination.

There are some things I've tried to eliminate from my everyday vocab. Not necessarily individual words, but more so over-exaggerations that don't apply to my life what so ever.

"I'm STARVING". I am not starving. Children in Africa are starving. I am just really hungry and probably shouldn't eat that snack anyways because I already had lunch.

"I NEED that". I don't need anything. God has provided just enough. I want. Not need.

"That's gay". This is a big one that I still let slip every once in a while. I don't like it. Never have liked it...so I'm not saying it.


The one I just thought of is the idea of Christians "chasing after God". I used to fall prey to this idea. That I am spending my life chasing God and chasing His will for my life.

I had it so backwards.

God is chasing ME. God is chasing US. And we spend our life running away. Running away because we want to do it OUR way. Not His way. Why? Because we are sinful beings who don't know any better.


I let God catch me. That's something I've definitely improved. When I lean away from Him, He always pulls me right back. And for that I am so grateful.

encounter.

i've had my first real, moral, spiritual, and personal problem at work. there are many things that the families that i work with do, that i don't agree with. but i usually shrug them off and think "i'll do it differently with my kids".

until now.

i can't really say what it is exactly. you know, confidentiality. but, i can say it is horrific. and i can't do anything about it. i feel sick. and sad.

what am i supposed to do?

all i can do is pray. all i can do is have complete faith in God to help this woman. have complete faith that God will give me the strength to get through this. have faith that God will change this mom's heart. have faith that God will provide me with a new job.

faith and prayer.

glass half full.

I have an amazingly optimistic disposition. Not much really gets to me and stays there. I don't hold hostilities, and I forgive and forget easily.

I live my life glass half full. I maybe disappointed by things in life, but I never dwell on it, and I don't let it ruin me. Example one: When I've had relationships end with boys, I don't usually let it get to me for a long time. I'll be visibly depressed for a couple days and then I buck up and move on. Simple.

Example two: Today when a Detroit Parker Enforcer (that's not their name, I just don't know what they are called.. meter fairies?) decided to give me a parking ticket for PARKING in a NO STANDING zone...I was upset for a moment, and then found humor in the entire situation.

Here's the story: I was with a client at DTE to assist with their bill. I got there at 3:30 and waited in line until 4:00. We leave the building to find the parking enforcer placing a ticket on my windshield. I walk up to the guy and I say, Why am I getting a ticket? He just points to the sign that says "No Standing". So I'm like, ok fine, just because I did not want to argue with him in front of my client. I take the ticket off my car and read that the "No Standing" applies between the time 4pm-6pm. The time on the ticket is 4:02.

WTF.

Long story short, I got my first ticket for something I didn't even do. Which I find hilarious. :)

hehe.

faith like a child.

Tonight I was coloring with my 4-year-old niece. We were both quietly enjoying our own Sponge Bob works of art and she turns to me and says in a very serious tone, "I'm sad." So, I said, "Why?" And she replied with, "Jesus died on the cross today." I was astounded.

Then I said to her, "Well Faith, you know what happens on Sunday, right?" And she turns to me, and says, without missing a beat, "Jesus comes ALIVE!" She was so excited.

I find out later, that my brother in law had taken all the kids to noon mass for the passion play today. My niece doesn't miss anything, she's so smart. So naturally, she understood exactly what was going on.

It just really tugged at my heart strings to see a 4-year-old so excited about Jesus.

I wish everyone had faith like a child. Really I do.

Final 4 Basketball.

Alright. I am not really into watching college basketball. I am a Wolverine at heart, and U of M's basketball team has never really been that skilled, SO I've never really had the opportunity to get or be excited about college hoops.

I was listening to the morning show on 96.3 today. (Blaine and Lisa w/ Allison, very funny, anyways...I digress) They were talking about how even Michigan fans should be cheering for MSU this weekend in the Final 4. They were arguing about it because, Blaine, a big U of M fan, didn't want to. So I started thinking neither would I.

I don't even know who is playing MSU, but I say, go them!! :)

Wouldn't MSU give U of M the same justice. Cheer for whatever team they are playing against???

What does everyone else think? Are you cheering for State b/c it's a Michigan team or are you cheering against them to be a true Wolverine??



As a side note: My mom re-wrote the State fight song.
Here it is:
On the banks of Red Cedar
There's a college known to all
Their speciality is losing
And the Spartans play bad balll
See their team is weakening
Their going to lose this game
FIGHT!
FIGHT!
Come on Wolves fight!
Victory to U of M!!!

hehe



OH and one more thing. I would like to thank Obama for the extra $18 on my check today. That's really going to help me put a dent in my student loans....... *please note sarcasm)

South.

I was Bizarre Foods today on the Travel Channel. If you have a strong stomach, I definitely recommend this show. It's amazing the things the host can eat. He must not care about taste...or bacteria...

Anyways. He was actually in the US for this particular episode. Down south, in fact. And I know many of you know how I feel about the southern portion of this country. I love it down there. I've been three times in the last three years. Every single time I feel so comfortable with the culture. Well...minus the music and the backhills population.

I was thinking about the midwest. I always love the midwest. I've lived out east and it doesn't even stand to compare. My thought was...I know the south has a lot of traditions and it's a very cultural place. You can see the culture of the south. Does the midwest have culture and traditions?? Is there something that we are known for? And I don't mean just Michigan. I mean the midwest as a whole. I need originality here, not just things we stole from other cultures. If anyone has any clue what our cultures and traditions are, please enlighten me.

Next.

I was watching the Kids Choice Awards (yes, I watched a lot of tv today). And the Pussycat Dolls "performed". I quote the word performed, because, really...you know. I was little bothered to see them performing on a kids award show. Especially sing they were "singing" When I Grow Up. Which talks about wanting to grow up famous, to have lots of things, and "grow boobies". Really Nickelodeon? Really? They should be encouraging kids to grow up and read books and do well in school and do things to change the world. NOT "growing boobies". *shakes head* I'm worried for our future.

AND next.

I am really considering grad school. I know I've talked about it for some time now, but I really feel like its something I should and could do. My supervisor and my co-workers say I should. I honestly believe I could find an awesome job that I really enjoy and find rewarding if I got my Masters. I am now considering the MSW (Masters in Social Work). I wasn't aware of how many jobs were available with that until now. How many different doors could be opened.

I'm praying about it, and that's all I can do.

Traditions.

I really enjoy traditions. And I usually forget how much I enjoy them, until I experiene them again. For example. Last night, my dad informs me that the International Space Station (ISS for those who speak nerd) and the freshly launched shuttle will be visible to us in short time frame that evening. He also informed me we'd be walking to the park to watch it. To this I said "absolutely".

There was no question of whether or not I was going, I just was. I remember being just a kid and my dad telling me that him and myself and my brother would be bringing the blanket out in the backyard that night to watch the meteor shower, or bringing out that same blanket to watch the Hale-Bopp comet fly overhead. And even when I was at school last year, the ISS and a shuttle flew over in a celestial game of tag (one right after the other). I went out to watch even then. And satellite counting up north while laying on the spider-infested dock. But I didn't care about the spiders because its tradition.

I love having moments like that with my dad. I love having moments like that with anyone. Things that I do just because that is the only way.

I can't wait to create moments like that with my kids. (That I'll apparently be popping out around age 35, according to Zombie) I will take my kids outside to watch satellites, and coments, and the space station. I will send the boys away a weekend close to Christmas just so I can wrap presents with my daughter. I will give my daughter flowers on her birthday when she hits her teens. I will turn off all the lights in my house and play capture the flag with my kids with glow-in-the-dark flags. And I will make snow forts in the backyard and fling snow balls at my kids as they laugh and hide while the dog chases them around.

I'm glad I had loving parents to give me these things.


What traditions did you have??

Sick.

I'm sick guys. I wish I wasn't. Duh.

Remember when we were youngin's and your mom would do special things for you when you were sick. My mom always made whatever food I wanted (always soup). And brought me blankets, and tissues. And I always had Vernors. Always. I want some now.

The awesome thing is, is that my mom will still bring me whatever I want when I don't feel good. I like that.

When I get married, I want my husband to do that same thing. Baby me. hehe. By bringing me blankets and Vernors and Vicks and tissues and chick flicks to watch all day.





What did your mom do for you when you were sick?

Return.

It bothers me that my schedule is solely dependent on other people. Especially as I sit in a florescently lit office, in a basement, with no windows when I know it is sunny and 60 out. A rare day in Michigan in March...so sad.

So. Random entertainment related post for you all. I have nothing deep to say today because my head hurts. Have any of you seen Return to Oz? If you have, hopefully you can agree with me here. I love this movie. Angie, Patrick, and I used to watch it. The premise of it is that Dorothy returns from Oz (appearing younger than in the original, it's weird, but I like it) and tells everyone about Oz. Auntie Em (who is also younger looking and not as sweet) believes Dorothy is crazy and sends her to get electoshock therapy. While at the institution, Dorothy escapes with the help of a mysterious girl. One things leads to another and she ends up back in Oz. Oddly enough with her pet chicken, Bulena. Who is now talking. Alright, stay with me here.

Along the way she finds that Oz has been taken over by the knome king and Mombi with the help of her Wheelers. Mombi has also turned everything living in Oz to stone. Including the scarecrow, tinman, and lion.

Long story short, Dorothy meets some new friends along the way. Including Tic-Tok, Jack Pumpkin Head, and Moose. With them she has to save Oz from the Knome King and Mombi.

I know it sounds SO out there. And I will admit the movie itself is a little strange, but I really love. I ordered online and have been waiting for it for a while now. That's waht inspired this post.

Anywhoo. That's it. Still just waiting for my phone call...

Ideas.

I work in Detroit. You all know that. What I don't talk about as much is the amount of poverty and sickness I see everyday working Detroit. It's one of those things I don't really bring up because it hurts me. I'll definitely talk about how I work in the ghetto, but that's as far as it goes.

Except now. My church is doing a series called "Hope Lives". The church, the small groups, and the student ministries are all participating together (which, by the way, I think is awesome). The series talks about poverty.

I feel like I have some definite insight to this topic. Only because I work in poverty. I see it every single day. But like I said before, I don't talk about it that much because I don't want to pretend to be a saint. I only complain when my families are getting out of control.

With that said, I'd been thinking about some things lately. That I briefly talked about at my small group last night. There is on part of town I am in often. And this part of town has more beggers than any other part of town. Everytime I see them, it breaks my heart. However, this part of town is notorious for drug use. So, hopefully you will see why I am hesitant to hand cash out my window. I feel like just handing out cash is a)feeding a habit and b) such a callous, un-loving response to the problem.

So here is my thing. I need some ideas. I need to figure out some kind of goody bag to keep in my car and to hand out to these individuals when I see them. Unparishable food I can keep in my car. So far I have the ideas of gift cards for local restaurants, bottles of water and possibly bus cards. I need to stay away from crunchy, sugary things due to possible poor dental hygiene.

Alrighty, that's all. Give me ideas!!

Revisited.

Two blogs in one day??? Am I nuts? Probably. :)

I was just thinking about something that happened on Wednesday. I was driving one of my families to court, and we were driving through Delray. Which I had previously written about (see post titles Delray Angels). I was talking with my family about my first time driving through that area. The dad was telling me how drug infested and bad it was. I agreed, but then pointed out how I had seen the angels the angels my first time driving through and how they comforted me. The dad turned to me and said, "You are driving through HERE and the first thing you notice are the angels???" He was stunned.

I was thinking about this just now. I wonder how much of a testament that was to that family then. How much they saw of my faith and spirituality by me simply pointing out angels among the devastation. I hope that's what my life will amount to, always seeing the good in the bad. I fell in the love the Delray angels the first time I saw them. I am glad I did. It makes me happy to know I would have never had driven through that area had I-75 been open. Weird thing to be happy about. I am just glad I got to see that. It's a good reminder of how special my life is and it reminded me of how important it is to ALWAYS find the good in the bad.

I love when God opens up opportunities like that. I was able to show God to that family without even mentioning His name. It just goes back to "Preach the gospel always, and when necessary, use words".

Joy.

I realize that my blog title is "always find joy in the simple things" and I haven't been very joyful lately. My job has really been stressing me out, hence the pathetic blogs.

Anyways. Seeing as I'm not quite as morose as my blog makes me out to be, I'm going to list things that I find joy in:
-my family (although everyone has their thing going on, I am blessed with my family)
-my dog who comes in my room every morning and stares at me as if to tell me to get up and pay attention to him
-i do sometimes find joy in my job, it reminds me of how much God has faithfully blessed me with in my life.
-i find joy in reading a new book
-i find joy in taking the long way back to my house just to finish a good song or listen to it just one more time
-i find joy in waking up to a sunny day when it's been cloudy for two weeks or waking up to a cloudy/rainy day when all it's been is sun.


Just to name a few. I think everyone should take the time to think of the joyful things they have in their lives. Because even the little things can brighten up your day.

Jumpy.

I am really jumpy tonight. My skin is crawling, my heart is racing, I just feel antsy. I don't think I've had anymore caffeine than I usually do, so that's not it. Probably a direct result of my job. I don't feel like getting into that though.

It feels as if God has been poking and prodding me more than usual lately, maybe I'm just aware of it. It's like He's standing behind me, tapping on my shoulder, waiting for me to turn around. I've turned around, I'm aware, now I just have to listen. And listen I will definitely try to do.

I am at a point where I don't know where to go. I want to move forward, but my feet are stuck in mud. It's not to say I'm unhappy. I am happy in my life. My job has definitely showed me how blessed I am. Really. I just don't know where to go or how to get there. It's a challenge and I welcome it. Too much wasted coasting, now it's time to do something. I just don't know what yet, time to put on the thinking cap.

I think I'm gunna apply to volunteer somewhere on a regular basis. I'm thinking maybe a humane society. I deal with people too much during the week and it's burning me out. I like animals and they expect me to work miracles for them, they just want someone to love them and pay attention to them. I can handle that.

I need to center my life. Here we go.

Crashing.

I really dislike when reality comes crashing down on me. I coast by doing okay and then suddenly I'm not. It's so strange.

I can't shake my want to go back to school for something less stressful than the career path I'm heading down right now. I started out in child welfare...I don't want to be categorized as that for my life. I am very scared that since this is where I have experience, that this is where I will stay. I do not want to stay in child welfare. As rewarding as it can be, no one really understands how taxing it can be, unless you work in child welfare as well. And I can't really explain how taxing it can be without feeling like I'm breaking the rules of confidentiality.

I want to move. I want to find the PERFECT job somewhere that's not here. Most days I feel like downriver and the Detroit area in general really just sucks the life out of me. Granted: I do think it Detroit is an awesome city...I mean, it really has potential. But on the other hand, the bad definitely outweighs the good and it takes real effort to see the good things. And I apologize to everyone who is sick of me talking about this, but it's just part of me and the struggles I deal with on a day-to-day basis.

One a good note: I will say that here in this dreary place, I know some pretty amazing people and thank God that He's given me the gift of knowing these amazing people, b/c sometimes I don't think I deserve them. As I feel about most gifts from God...that I don't deserve anything He wants to give to me. So it's not the people that make me miserable here, it's the place and the circumstances.

Oh, maybe I need to shut up about moving and be thankful to God for all that he has provided me. Because I am more blessed than I recognize on most days. That's the biggest thing I've learned from my job. It's when you see actually see the lacking of your blessings in others lives that you start to realize how blessed you really, truly are.

So. Thank you God for everything You have given me and continue to give me.

Trust and Understanding.

Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

What does this look like? I keep thinking my path is straight, but sometimes I don't know. Right now, I am frustrated with life because I can't do all the things I want to. I blame my job on that. And then I get frustrated because I can't find another one. And then I think I should go back to school for something else, but then the five years I spent at GV would be a complete waste. Which is depressing considering the amount of money I'm paying back right now because of it. THEN I blame myself for not listening to God before I went to school. It's a vicious cycle.

Right now, I think I do want to go back to school. I either want to pursue my Masters (b/c my supervisor at work keeps telling me how great of a writer I am) or I want to get certified as a veterinary technician. I would love to work at an animal hospital or humane society. Be on animal cops Detroit, lol.

But then I go back to the question: Is this what God wants for me in my life? I need to do what Proverbs says. I do. But sometimes I don't know how.

Confession.

Ok, before I post this, I must make a confession to you all. My favorite band of time is....Hanson. Yes. I said it. I fell in love when Where's the Love was released (that's the single after MMMBop, just so you know) I've been fan since 1997...and still continue to love them today. Trust me, they're good. Don't judge based on MMMBop, that was 12 years ago.

Anyways...I digress.

Ms. Britts told me today that Taylor Hanson (the middle one) is in a new band. I was shocked and upset at first, b/c I feel like that's a band killer. I don't care what anyone says, I don't want Hanson to cease to exist.

But here's the kicker. The band's name is Tinted Windows and here at the members: Taylor Hanson (Hanson), James Iha (Smashing Pumpkins), Bun E. Carlos (Cheap Trick), and Adam Schlesinger (Fountains of Wayne).

WEIRD.

Okay, that is all. I just thought it was weird.

Joaquin Phoenix.

Ok so not to water down my blog with nonsense about celebrities but, I just watched the whole David Letterman clip with Joaquin Phoenix and I have to say it made me feel a little bit nauseous.

From the bits I had seen and the little I'd heard about it I thought that he'd gone on the show just high out of his mind. Which seems to be the case, but now I feel so sad for the guy. He's on there, high or just super depressed and David Letterman is just making fun of him the entire time. And he chooses not to respond, making it seem like he's super doped up. (I mean, he may have been).

There is a part of me that makes me think that his guy is teetering on a very narrow line of life and death, and that makes me feel terrible. I don't know how other people could sit there and see this and think it is okay to laugh. It makes me sick how cruel our society can be. I know I don't know the guy and I know he's a celebrity, but how can people just sit back and let other's self-destruct.

I read somewhere that someone thought it was a stunt. Maybe it is. But, it makes me scared to think that we, as a society, will sit back and be entertained by someone who appears to heading down a bad road. NOT just celebrities. Anyone.

It really does make me ill to think anyone could like that. Jesus is probably saddened by this too.

Restless.

I am getting restless...again. Every once in a while, I can't shake the restlessness. I don't like feeling stagnate for this long.

It's probably because Valentine's Day is around the corner. Every single year, I pretend to ignore it. Life is not fun for me when relationships, and couples, and love are thrown in my face from all angles. Pretending to ignore it usually makes things difficult for me. So this year, I'll just say it: I'm single, sometimes I'm okay with it, others I'm not. There it is. It's out. I'm done.

God has been showing me a lot lately. I enjoy it. He's opening doors that have serious potential, and I love the directions i could go with them all. I will always wish to have a clearer picture of my life. Something I'm certain I will not get, but that's okay. I think I am finally digging myself out of my rut. Which is great. I can feel my mood significantly improving. Minus one incident involving a lobster...I'm still deciding how to deal with that one. Boys...ugh.

That's all I got for right now. I just wanted to post a little ditty here and I did so.

Bed time.

James

Alright. I can honestly say there are only a few times where I could say I felt God pushing me to do something. Those 100% moments where you just know in your heart that you are doing exactly what He wants. Well, I've only been that positive a few times. I doubt too much when it comes to feeling God's pull or push...as the case may be.

This is just a small example, but it meant something to me so I thought I would share.

I went to bed last night the way I usually do. I hop into bed and get on my computer. Sometimes I'll read, but that's been rare lately considering how late I come home most nights. Well, last night, I was about to turn off my light when I snuck a peek at my Bible lying innocently on my nightstand. And I swear it felt like God was yelling at me to crack it open. Not yelling in an angry way, but just pushing me to read. So me, being stupid, hesitates...only b/c in the back of my mind, I know I'm tired. But I listened to God because that would be just so stupid. I have been reading Isaiah, but honestly, I having a hard time getting through it. It's a difficult book for me to read. So I opened to good 'ol James. I remembered how much I liked it the first time I read it and thought I'd start there. I read that first chapter three times. The verses were yelling out to me. It's like I'd been craving what it said. It's unbelievable.

I thought I'd share with you guys some of the verses that struck me hard:
James 1:2-Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds...
James 1:9- The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position.
James 1:27- Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

It's like God smacked me upside the head with those. James chapter 1 is written for anyone who works for other people. It hit me hard because I'd been complaining about my job so much lately, and I understand now why I need to go through this, because it is EXACTLY what God has called me to do. Regardless of how difficult it may be sometimes, and how I feel like I'm not really helping, I have comfort knowing this is exactly where God wants me. I know in my heart that, for now, I'm right where God needs me to be.

I pray that God carries me through this next week...and that I can find joy in the trials. Because there are and will be many.

Vehicles.

Vehicles are a funny thing. When they break....they break. My car's broken state is $1200 worth of broken. It's only worth like $2500. Funny how things work. I'd be angry at this, BUT my uncle, who has been wanting to buy my car for years now, is going to buy it. And I found the one I want to get today. Woo.

Saturn is awesome. They are letting me test drive it for the weekend. But I think I'm gunna get it. It's a 2007 Saturn Aura. Loaded. Minus leather seats, but I don't want leather seats anymore. I don't want PETA protesters to trash my car.. hehe.

Anyways. That's the update on my car. I will have a new car next week. It makes me sad to say goodbye to the other one though. It was my first car. We've been through a lot together...I'll miss her.

Ok. I'm done. My computer battery is gunna poop out soon.

PEACE

Typo.

I just realized that my heading had a typo. It said "always find joy in the SIMPLY things". Why did no one tell me? :) It is like I have been metaphorically wandering around this blog with broccoli in my teeth and no one told me. I guess I have THOSE friends.

I kid, I kid.

As a random note, I've decided to stop letting little things get me so angry. I was doing good for a while, but I've let negative atmospheres suck me back to the place. I don't want to get angry at stupid, petty things I can't change. No point really.

My dad's side of the family has a blogger account to use to keep all the family in touch and people started talking politics. Now one of my family members who was posting anonymously is pissed because of disagreements on political views, when it was all supposed to be a joke. They are supposed to be adults...allegedly.

one example of things not to get so worked up over. One of many.

That is all I have for now. I'm not sure how much of this will make sense b/c I'm falling asleep.
God Bless..

Bad day.

I fully anticipate having a horrible day tomorrow. I really don't want to have a bad day. But I'll more than likely be forced to speak with a woman who has it out for me. I do not wish to speak with this woman. Even though, I KNOW that it is not my fault, she seems to take out her frustrations on me and I do not want her to do that. She is awful.

What makes people so incredibly horrible to others? I really don't get it. That teacher my mom was student teaching for was horrible, and this woman that I've spoke to twice is horrible...I can't even fathom being like that towards another person. I can't even think of anyone that I'd would give that attitude to. There are so many better ways to approach situations.

Jesus would not approve.

I wish Jesus would show up while I was talking to that lady. I wish he would appear beside her and just stare at her. Not even disapprovingly. Maybe a disappointed look. I wonder what would happen if Jesus just popped up when I was doing things I shouldn't. Like suddenly appear in the passenger seat of my car as I'm verbally assaulting other drivers. And just look at me. I'd stop immediately. I'm sure. I need to start remembering to picture Jesus near me when I'm doing things like that. It's easier to try to not do sinful things when you think like that. I forget to.

I am thinking I need a different job. I am so blessed times one million to even have this job, but I'm gunna start looking. And maybe I"ll find something, maybe I won't. I would like to move out of my house soon..before I lose my mind. But i definitely need a higher paying job before then. Something that'll support an apartment (and all the expenses associated with that), a car payment (b/c this job is murdering my car), and student loan payments. That's way too much. *sigh* Sometimes I think college sets you up to fail....it's so odd.

Anyways. I must sleep. For some reason I set an appointment for early tomorrow morning. Not sure why. I'm crazy b/c I hate mornings. I really, I really do.

God Bless.

I'm bad.

I'm writing a blog at work. Oops.

It has been an interesting day. Obama was sworn in as president earlier today. Awesome, first black president, it really does make me happy to see that we are moving beyong racial boundaries. But as a leader, he still makes me nervous. I was unable to watch the speech, but I just read it online. It was a good speech, full of promises. But, he did make it abundantly clear that "change" will occur right away. I hope everyone remembers that.

I also caught something else that I thought was interesting. I'm quoting his speech here: "The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness." From what I gathered, this is in reference to our right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness". He seemed to leave out "life" in his reference to this. Here comes genicide.

I am going against everything I believe in by even mentioning politics in my blog. I am so against the discussion of politics for myself, that it bugs me even as I write this. But I had to mention that one bit I picked up on.

And as for Obama, every bit of me hopes that he is a great president. One portion of his speech I particularily enjoyed: "To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds." I pray this is something he lives up to. Really, I do. I pray that he does great and Godly things. Although, I really fear for the future of our unborn children and I will pray daily that they are protected from the people who think they are nothing.

That's all I have to say. I am thoroughly disgusted with myself with even mentioning politics in my blog, because I'm not looking for an argument...I'm just looking to express myself in the blogosphere.

Delray Angels.

Does anyone know the significance of the Delray Angels? As seen here . I past them driving down W. Jefferson on the way to one of my family's homes. At first they weirded me out, but now I find them comforting. That area of Detroit is desolate, and to see the angels on the abandoned buildings, without anyone having touched them, is amazing to me. Most abandoned, and even some not-so-abandoned buildings I see in Detroit are littered with graffiti and gang tags, but these are not. It's probably the angels, or at least, I like to think it is.



So. People think I'm weird. Which, I will admit, I kinda like. But I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Not in weird in a bad way (or least, I'm assuming it's not a bad way), Ray would call it "hilarious" or "funny". Mostly just that I don't think the way most people...rather...most girls do. And that I am definitely okay with. I really am curious to find out what people really think of me. Which is a natural curiosity for most people I would assume. I just never really put much thought to it until now.

In light of all that, I thought I'd include some random facts about me to add to whatever you may already think or know about me:
-I really enjoy sneezing.
-I like grey t-shirts.
-I really am a clutz, and have recently come to accept that...I always hated it... now I embrace it.
-I love weather.
-I don't like Family Guy.
-I hate disagreements.
-I love neutral colors.
-I am currently teaching myself to knit.
-I never get rid of books.
-I used to think I wanted to stay in Michigan, but as of late, I think that's boring and want to experience new places and people and culture.
-Sometimes I think Detroit is beautiful.

Locked in.

I hate feeling locked in my house because it is snowing outside...it makes me antsy to know that if I want to go anywhere, that it would be difficult. Such a pain.

That is one reason why I want to move outta Michigan. I hate the feeling of entrapment. I feel that a lot here. Snowing or not. I'm also beginning to wonder if Michigan is a good place to be right now. After reading Zombie's blog about Detroit, and seeing what I see everyday, it's hard to WANT to stay here. And I didn't even want to stay here before all of this. I really hope something can change soon.

I'm not gunna lie. The snow is actually really pretty after it gets dark out and it's still fresh. It glows blue. I like it. It should stop snowing so I can go out and enjoy it.

I did have something intelligent to talk about here, but I have forgotten. Too much chaos right now. Too much. I'll remember it later, and write about it.

Until then, I am going to play with my nieces and nephew and hopes the snow stops soon so I can go out.

Resolutions.

So far my New Years resolution is going well. I've been reading consistently since January 1st. I even started reading a book on prayer to compliment reading the Bible.

Thus far I've noticed that the beginning of Isaiah could be used two ways. Obviously it's a message to God's people. But then, I feel like some of what it says could be said to America today. America is kinda sad. It really is...

I have found, once again, to my shame, that when you look for God, you find Him. None of this chasing after God stuff, God is most definitely chasing after you. You just need to let Him catch you. This is a lesson that I've learned several times throughout my life, and I hope I never have to learn it again. I don't want to let myself become complacent again. At the same time, it's a difficult transition. I feel like there are some things in my life that I need to let go of, and I don't feel right doing it...so I'll have to pray on that. Big time.

My job is getting increasingly difficult. And the worst part is, I don't want to talk about it and I don't feel like I'm good enough for it. But God must think I can handle it because that's where His path has led me. It's just hard trying to constantly re-adjust, since my "team" is going through a lot of changes, and the holidays, it hasn't given me the opportunity to really settle into my groove there yet...so maybe it seems more difficult than it actually is.

I am getting restless in my house. It's a really fine line when you are an adult like me, living with your parents. Half of the time they treat me like an adult and the other half I feel like they are doing things that should only be done for teenagers, ya know? It really is a very fine line. One that I'm gingerly walking on, trying not to lose my balance because I don't want to be a brat and short with my parents but sometimes, I just can't help it. I pray God will help me not be a jerk to my parents.

I'm exhausted. I need to start making better choices when it comes to my sleeping habits. I am having a very difficult time giving up my time with my friends... especially when I'm the only one sometimes, who has to get up in the morning. I hate being the only one who has to leave early because of work. It's a serious bummer. So I stay out late, and think I can handle being tired the next day... but I forget that fact that I loathe being tired. It's such a conundrum...<--no spell check, rock on!

Okay. I need to sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a very long day, and I am absolutely dreading it. *sigh*

Memorization.

So I decided to do some sort of New Year's resolution. Something I usually do not do. I feel like if there is something in your life you need to change, you shouldn't wait 'til the new year to start it. But I am actually going to participate in this silly tradition this year.

I am going to try and focus on my Bible more. As a Christian, this is something I struggle with. I've always been bad at reading my Bible. But I know when I do, everything is so much better, so I can't figure out why it's so difficult for me. It's so weird. Anyways, I am resolving to be better at reading my Bible.

I am making it a point to really read and meditate everyday. And I am going to try and memorize some verses. Something that I've never really tried to do before. And I've always been jealous of those people who can just rattle off verses like it's nothing...I wanna be like that. I'm starting with the Beatitudes in Matthew 5. I've always loved that passage, so why not memorize it, right? So simple.

I also want to make it a point to become a "runner" again. I loved running and now I don't really do it...at all. I want to be hardcore and get up and run outside in the cold, in the morning. After my Unity Group last week, I did realize I need more alone time with God and I realize that running was always a perfect escape for me. Something I do alone, a personal struggle against my own will as well as a perfect time to see and experience and talk to God. I just need to acquire some outdoor running gear for cold weather.

I really hope I follow through with all of these things. I don't want to disappoint myself. And now that I've shared these things with you, maybe ya'll could keep me in check? Perhaps.

Well. That's all from me for now.

What are some of your resolutions???