Christmas.

Merry Christmas everyone!
Jesus was born today, woot! :)

I have experienced some clarity in the last couple of days, and I hope it lasts. I don't like uncertainties and fuzziness. I'm becoming more confident in different areas of my life and I know what I want. I'm pretty confident in everything except my job, but I have faith that will come with time and practice and learning.

I never want to stop learning.

I feel like I have a better sense of who I am and I am trying to show that all the time. I'm trying to be more relaxed around everyone. I want people to KNOW me, not just know me. Ya know? :) I hope it works and that I don't go running back to my comfort zone.

I've successfully been adventurous in the last two weeks or so. Some may not think so, but they were big steps for me. One is probably going to backfire, which will totally be my fault, but things happen...or don't happen, as the case may be. But for me, the experience allowed me to understand better certain things I want and don't want, or like and don't like. I hope these certainties make my life a little less chaotic in the long run. Probably not, because life isn't easy, but who wants it to be? Really.

And I am glad to hear the Christmas miracle provided by the beards this year. Maybe the two rainy Christmases were just a build up to the miracle of this year? Just maybe.

Well, that's all I have to say about all that.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Flu? Maybe. Sick? Definitely.

There is something terribly wrong with me at the moment. I don't have a cold, but I do know I am sick and it's freaking me out.

All of my muscles ache, I have a terrible headache, my sick is crawling...everything that touches me feel awful and irritating, I can't breathe and I keep coughing. Anyone know what's wrong with me?

It sounds like the flu, but I never get the flu, so I'm sorta confused.
Sorry I'm whining. I hate being sick.

On a happy note, my mom's college commencement is tomorrow. I'm so glad we all get to celebrate her awesome accomplishment. Yay! :)

I did karaoke last night. Go me. Granted you couldn't hear me (maybe I was purposely holding the mic farther away than necessary) BUT I still did it. I got up in front of a whole bar of people I did not know and sorta embarrassed myself. I am definitely making strides in the whole making myself uncomfortable front, and challenging myself to do things I normally wouldn't do or that I am afraid to do. There is another thing that I"m doing that is sorta foreign to me, but I'm not divulging that here. Perhaps some other time.

Anyways, I need to sleep. I've been drowsy all day. OH yeah, that's another symptom, fatigue..and it's not from any meds.

Alrighty, I'm out. Peace.

Snowing.

As a midwesterner, born and raised, you'd think I'd get used to being dumped on by snow. Unfortunately, I am not. I am literally stressing myself out over the fact that I may be forced to leave my house and drive in conditions that are definitely less than desirable.

I want to move to Tennessee. Away from the snow storms, and the bleak mood that has set itself semi-permanently in Michigan. You all may think I'm bluffing, but if I could, I definitely would. I need a change in scenery. I'm getting restless.

My future is foggy and I don't like it. At the beginning of college, I knew what the next 4-5 years were going to look like. Go to school, visit home on breaks, go back to school, come home for the summer, go back to school...no real uncertain moments there. It was pretty much set in stone that I was going to finish college. And I did. Now what? You know. I have a job and stuff, but I still feel like I'm missing something. Especially in a job that was definitely anti-climatic. The honeymoon is over and reality hit when a foster care worker was a jerk to me yesterday for no reason. Child welfare...gotta love it.

My biggest fear is that I am stifled in a way that prevents me from doing anything resembling God's work. I can't be God's hands and feet and the State of Michigan's hands and feet at the same time. Or, at least, it doesn't feel like it. But regardless of all that, I am definitely blessed to have a job in this terrible economy and will not forget to thank God for that. At least it's something, right?

Anywhoo. I should go to sleep now. I may have a long day ahead of me..


Pray that I don't have to go to court in the morning and that Detroit Public Schools are closed so that I don't have to face the consequences of not seeing my client tomorrow....

Something.

Right now I feel like I'm missing something. Who knows what it is...I certainly don't. I feel like things should be different than they are.

That bothers me, to be completely honest. It bothers me that I feel like things should be different than they are. Rather, I know things should be different than they are. Which is worse. It makes me discontent with my life. And I shouldn't be. Or maybe I should. The feeling of discontent could lead into change. I know I want things to change, but I'm not sure how to do that. How do I change??

Sometimes I just float by. I'm not going to lie. I just float through my days without a second thought. I need to stop doing that. I need to push through life, leaving evidence of God in my wake. I need people to see God in my existence. I want people to see God in my existence. I know some do, which is great, but I wanna shake it up, a lot. I want people to be blown away by witnessing God's presence in my life. I need to be overambitious. All the time.

I don't like being afraid of life, but sometimes I feel like I am. I think about who I was compared to who I am now, and I can see the positive changes, but I still don't think it is enough. I need to fearless. Like I said before, I want to shake things up.

I need someone to push me. To shove me out of my comfort zone. I need someone to make life uncomfortable, because I don't think I can do it on my own.

Info.

Hey- It's Christmas time (obviously) and I just thought I'd share some awesome organizations with you all so that maybe instead of spending a disgusting about of money on gifts that don't really mean anything, maybe you could spend money on things that will actually help someone.

For this blog I choose TOMS Shoes. Just because I've been to the website amount a million times this week. 

TOMS Shoes (www.tomsshoes.com) is an organization with a simply idea. Places stricken with poverty tend to not have even the basics. Things like, you know, shoes. Which can be very bad because people in these places tend to walk long distances daily to retrieve things like food, water, shelter, etc. So TOMS Shoes provides that basic need. So, with every pair of shoes purchased for yourself, TOMS donates a pair to wherever their next shoe drop will be. 

This Christmas season TOMS has made it a goal to give 30,000 pairs of shoes to villages in Ethiopia. I've already made my contribution... you should too :)

ps-TOMS are super comfortable. And awesome. 

Trust.

We have been reading "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan in our unity group right now. This last week, I put this quote in our questions to talk about. "But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through."

This quote really struck me. I am not sure why. Probably because it is difficult for me to live like this. I have a hard time thinking about putting myself in situations that I don't have control over the outcome. The only thing I can think of that I trusted absolutely completely to God recently was my job searching. I gave that completely to God. And it turned out good. I found a job, that I so far enjoy and I think I can do for God, in a way that I don't think I could do otherwise. 

I hope can learn to live like this. I am envious of those people can just throw themselves into situations doing God's work and they will really be in trouble if God doesn't come through. I want to be that reckless. Sometimes I think I live too carefully and I am missing out  because of it. I need to be more reckless for God. Ha. 

How can I be reckless for God??? Suggestions are welcome. 

A little late.

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I did. It went off without a hitch. I ate too much...of course. And will stare grudgingly at the left-overs in our fridge, because I don't want to eat that much again for a long time. Traditions...

I wanted to use this blog to say specific things that I'm thankful for...you know, in the spirit of the holidays:

-I am thankful to God for putting up with my constant crap.

-I am thankful to God for providing me with a job, especially in the time we are living in.

-I am thankful to God that I have a roof over my head and food in my belly.

-I am thankful to God for my friends.

-I am thankful to God for my family; specifically:

-My mom for being a strong woman, and for being brave. And always putting our needs before her own.

-My dad for showing us that hard work does pay off and for encouraging us to get an education.

-My sister for truly caring about us. She is sincere and I am grateful to her for that. 

-My brother for showing me how to go against the flow. I envy his courage.

-Lastly, I am thankful to God for continuing to light my path and guide my feet. And to all the wonderful blessings I have yet to uncover.

Update.

All is well. God is good.

Yesterday went great for my mom. Apparently her teacher will not give her a letter of recommendation. And she did not say why. However, the school's principal and her advisor from U of M are going to give her a letter of recommendation. So we can see who is wrong in this situation.

And starting tomorrow, my mom will be floating to other classrooms and other grades to help in those classrooms. So after today, she no longer has to work with her teacher. AND this teacher will never be getting another student from U of M. Hopefully the principal is smart and doesn't give her another student teacher, ever. 

I'm so glad this is over. There was a noticeable difference in my mom last night. And she even said herself that she felt like the weight of the world was lifted off her shoulders. It's sad b/c I know she'll miss the kids in the classroom. And I know those kids looked to my mom for safety because the teacher is so wretched.

 

Thanks for your prayers everyone! My entire house appreciates it :)

Prayer request.

Hello friends-

I am sending a prayer request into the blogosphere. 

My mom has been student teaching this semester. Long story short, her teacher has belittled her to the point of her just giving up. She does not want to go into the school anymore. Her spirit has been taken away from her. Which is so sad to me because she loves the kids so much. 

Tomorrow her advisor is making a surprise appearance in the classroom to have a meeting with my mom and the teacher. My mom is literally afraid of what will happen when the advisor leaves. This teacher does not respect my mom the way she absolutely deserves. I want to tell this woman off so bad. 

It is so not fair. At all. My mom has worked so hard for this that it pains me to see this happen to her.

So please pray that my mom has the strength to stand up for herself, and that this teacher stops treating my mom the way she is. I'm sure my mom could out-teach half the teachers out there and this has to stop. 

Okay, so please pray that my mom makes it through these next couple of weeks and that this teacher will stop doing what she's doing...it's terrible.

Alrighty, thanks blog people :)

ps-if you know my mom, don't mention that I did this, I'm not sure how she would react. 

kthxbye

Trained.

I finished my training for my job today. Which basically means they are throwing me to the wolves...so to speak. Three days of showing me how to do paper work and role-playing interview techniques apparently makes me qualified to go straight out as a social worker.

I am a little nervous about all this. My college education did not prepare me for this kind of job. A criminal justice degree is definitely NOT a social work degree. I am sure I will do fine though. On-the-job training...rock on.

I am having a difficult time giving up the things about my life that I got so used to that I can't really do anymore. Like staying up late just hanging out. It's so sad. Last night I stayed out until midnight and I am so TIRED today. And in a little bit I am going to see the midnight show of Twilight (WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!) and I have to be at a home visit at 10:30 tomorrow morning in Detroit. SOOOOO Long story short, I'm gunna pass out tomorrow night or perhaps tomorrow at work. Good times. Being responsible is silly.

Ok, that's all I got right now. I'm just killing time before being stupid and going to the midnight show of Twilight. 

Peace and love to you all. :)

Forget.

I knew I had something to post here. I'd been thinking about it all day. And now that I am here. I forget. Go figure. 

I have been writing a lot of things in my moleskin journal I just purchased for such times that I have a head full of thoughts and nowhere to place them. It was in there, and no longer in my head. I'll get to the later I suppose.

My weekend was okay. Both of my parents were gone on Friday night, so instead of being a social butterfly, I stayed in, alone to enjoy to the time I had to myself. (I never get alone time, so I cherished it). I made myself stir fry and rice and watched two movies. The house was so quiet. Except for my dog, who I had to kick off my bed three times that night just so I could become uncramped. Just to have him get right in my face and stare at me as if to say "Can I come back up now?" Pathetic.

Saturday night I got to spend with my college roommate Rachel. Sometimes I forget how awesome she is. I wished we lived closer. She is definitely the sanity I need in my life. We are so alike in many ways, but we are so different. She listens to me. I mean, just listens, and lets me talk, and doesn't interject with how much worse her life is, or how what I'm going through isn't as bad as what she is going through, or tries to take away the glory of things I accomplish. Just listens. I really appreciate that about her. Maybe we need to find a place like the good 'ol days..

I need to  make some changes in my life. I believe we as people need to be constantly improving ourselves, and I will admit, that sometimes I just coast. I don't want to just coast. I want to become a better person everyday of my life. I want be closer to God every single day. Which is sometimes difficult when you feel like things aren't going the way YOU want them to go. Which is selfish and now what God expects from you, but hey, I'm only human. I need to stop thinking about the way I think my life SHOULD be going and improve on the life I have now. Dwelling on my "should be" life isn't helping me get anywhere now. I need to remember to thank God for what I do have. 

Alrighty-I'm gunna go read.

Peace and love to you all.

One reason why I blog.

I can't remember if I have blogged about this before. I know I meant to, but I can't remember if I ever got around to it.

I am blogging on why I blog. 

I have been "blogging" since I was in high school. Technically. I had an Open Diary. And then came along MySpace. And now I'm here on blogger. Mostly b/c I have some friends on here and it's not Myspace. 

I blog because I am not very good at expressing myself. There is a lot to me that people don't see, or hear. I feel like when I talk about myself beyond surface level, that people tune me out. I know that's not true, but sometimes I feel like that is how it goes. I surround myself with people who have big personalities, and I guess I feel like blogging is way for me to express myself to people who are willing to read. 

If people don't want to know about me, then they won't read. And my personality is not big enough to even begin to compete with others who do have those big personalities. And I don't really have it in me to fight for that attention. I don't feel I should have to fight to have people notice me.. If someone wants to get to know me, they will. By asking me questions and act interested. As opposed to acting like they are listening, or start to listen and then turn the conversation back on them (that last one happens to me A LOT...more than anyone would probably even imagine). 

And I am not going to lie, it is a struggle to get people to listen to me. No idea why, but it is. SO I blog. It's a great way for shy, quiet personalities to express themselves in an avenue where people have your full attention.

Ok I'm done. 

As a side note: my sheepdog is taking up almost my entire bed and I have idea how I'm going to get to sleep, lol. Wish me luck :)

checklist.

I have a check list for myself. Things I want to see, do, accomplish. Well, it's not an actual written out list, just some things I think about from time to time.

The major ones being the usual: graduate, get a job, get married, have kids,etc.  My list spans out to adopting a child, doing missions work in a third world county (preferably somewhere in Africa), doing more mission work right here in the US, moving back to Grand Rapids, or out of Michigan altogether, seeing tornado, etc. (Sorry, I had to throw the tornado thing in there, they are AWESOME).

Aside the unusual list of things, I am heading in the right direction. I graduated college. I have a career starting job. You know, something I can build off from. I am missing that one thing. The guy. The holiday season always makes me think of the guy. The guy I should be spending my holiday season with, the guy who will help me decorate the Christmas tree, the guy who I spend hours looking for the perfect present for, the guy who will listen to me ramble on about how awesome Christmas is, the guy who will lay around with me all day on Thanksgiving after eating too much and watch movies or football. 

I know he's out there. Sometimes I feel like I miss out on these things and it's my own fault for not being more outgoing or social than I am. Sometimes I am scared of life. Scared of what it's going to be like when I meet that person. Scared of the possibility of missing out on meeting that person. Just a coward, basically. I don't throw myself out there like I should. I am too scared of how people will react. 

It's silly and I'm not looking for any confidence boosting comments. Please. I just have been thinking about this. It's weird how snowfall, and cold weather effects how my brain functions. Seriously. 

I know 'the guy' is out there. And God will bring us together. I just need to trust that He will, and have the confidence to be who I am always. 

blessed.

I have been thinking a lot lately about a lot of things. That happens occasionally and the holiday season really triggers my thoughtfulness. 

Here is one for you all. I went to Starbucks this evening. I had been craving caffeine all day. I am very tired today for some reason, but that is beside the point. So I went to the Starbucks and I noticed that the parking lot was somewhat busy, which can be normal. And then I went inside and there were a lot of people, again, not uncommon. Then I realized that all those people were waiting for their drinks. And then I noticed the poor barista who was making all of the drinks by himself. I felt terrible for him. I knew that he must know that all those people are irritated with him. So I ordered my drink and waited patiently, while I could see all the people growing more and more impatient. 

I  was texting people while I waited and Britts in all her wisdom stated all the people shouldn't get irritated just because a lot of other people had the same idea as they did. Which is such an awesome way to look at it.

Regardless, it is so sad that we have come to the point where we get so annoyed that we have to wait for our speciality, over-priced coffee beverages. When did Starbucks become such a high priority on our "things to get annoyed about waiting for" list. I have been at my job a week, and I have seen things that make me think SO much about what we are placing our priorities in. God did not create us to get angry at baristas who are not moving fast enough for us. People should be walking around annoyed and angry that there are people going without meals just so their children can eat. People who aren't eating because they are waiting for their food stamps to become valid. Those people aren't angry they have to wait. They are grateful that they are getting food stamps at all. We should be standing in Starbucks in gratefulness. We are blessed people, regardless of what you think you need and don't have. 

At first I was scared to do this job. Now I am grateful to God for allowing me to work in such an impoverished area. It is really opening my eyes to how bad things have become. I hope that God will use me to aide these families according to His will and that it will open MY eyes to how blessed we really are. And I hope I can continue to communicate this effectively to the people around me. I think it's something we are really missing. Since we don't see it, we don't acknowledge it. But I am seeing it and it is making me sad. SO I apologize if I'm all in your face about the things I'm seeing, but I feel God wants people to know. I will do my best to inform. :)

So please remember how much God has blessed your life. I know there will be things you feel are unfair, but at least you have food to eat, a roof on your head, and pillows to lay your head on. Some people aren't that lucky.

The hood.

So I've been in the hood at least one time each day this week.

I'm not gunna lie, I sorta like it. Aside from the dangerous parts of it, the culture surrounding the people who grow up in those times of neighborhoods is awesome. Today at work some girls were talking about "soul food". I've had soul food and it is delicious. Those of us who grew up in the suburbs don't have those sorts of things. I think we are missing something. Our neighborhoods and communities don't have those sorts of things to bring us together. And it's not just the food. It's just that sense of community. They look out for each other in ways that nobody in my neighborhood does. We don't even speak. It's sorta sad.

I wish everyone could be part of a community.

Also another thing. I actually saw the visible line that is on 8 Mile. The idea that one side is the "rich" side and the other side is the "poor" side. I saw that change. It was incredible. Incredible in a bad way.  To see how separated we've become. I really wish it wouldn't be like that. 

I really just want everyone to love each other. Is that really so much to ask??

Okay. I'm done for now. Time to sleep. 

The vote.

Well, Obama won. Congratulations to him and all the people who voted for him. It's awesome we will have our first black president. Really, it is.

However, I did not vote for Obama, so I can honestly say I'm a wee bit disappointed. But the people voted and that's all we can ask for, right? I am a little bit nervous to see what will come of this administration. I know the whole "change" talk, but what, REALLY, is that change? I guess we'll find out. That was always my beef with his campaign. "Change we can believe in". Well explain change in a little more detail and I'd be a little more relaxed about the whole thing.

After reading Zombie's blog, I really am sad for our future generation. Since Obama supports abortion to the extreme. I fear for generational homocide. And Zombie was right. Those of use who do not support abortion just need to speak louder about the issue. And that God is still in control, and our country will see Him clearly soon enough. The good and/or the bad. He will not sit silent while we murder our children. 

I am also very surprised about the proposals that passed in Michigan. Very, very surprised. 

Ok. I'm done rattling on about politics. That's all I'll ever say about it. I hate talking about such controversial things in such a "public" way, but that's what's in my head right now. I apologize if anyone doesn't like what I've said, but it's my blog, I can say what I want and you can disagree. That's what makes America, America.

God Bless.

Interesting day.

Well, we all know today is election day. But all I'm going to say about it is that I voted. Good for me. Other than that, I can't wait for this to be over with. I am sick of the negativity over stupid opinions. Our country is way too divided and that makes me sad.

So I've done two days of work so far at my new job. So far, so good. I am doing okay. They threw a lot of information at me in a very short amount of time. But it'll be alright. I actually got my first referral today. Which means I'll have my first case starting tomorrow. AH! But it's all good. I've discovered in the last two days that my job has the potential to be awesome. I guess each of my families gets $500 for me to get them what they need. For example, if the family does not have a washer...I can get them a washer. If they need some help getting groceries, I can take them grocery shopping, if they need a refrigerator, I get them that. Or today, I went with a co-worker to shadow and my co-worker used the money to get them bus passes and winter coats for the girls. I am WAY excited for that part. 

I am tired already though. And I need to get a GPS. I will get lost in D-Town for sure. And that's probably not the best thing. 

OH and today, I saw a dead body. Oh yeah. I was out with my co-worker and her client, and the road we needed to walk down was blocked off by police cars. We went around and the fuzz told us we needed to go around because it was a crime scene. Some dude on the street near where we were going told us that there was an officer was chasing some guy on a motorcycle who wasn't pulling over, and the motorcycle dude hit a pedestrian. We saw the aftermath of this. And the bodies were still in the street. Covered up by yellow tarps. So yeah. Detroit has something to offer everyday. And I've noticed that every single street I've been done has at least one burnt house. Crazy.

But despite all this, I really sorta like and enjoy Detroit. I know it can be not safe, but it's pretty much falling apart. But I like it in it's dilapidated state. The people are awesome too. The culture is really different and I enjoy it. The not safe individuals, I don't so much like, obviously. But anyways. That was a rant.

Alright. I'm gunna go watch Dirty Jobs. 

Peace.

New Leaf.

So tomorrow. I start my job. I am very nervous. Any type of big life changes make me really nervous. I don't know how to handle it.

I know it will be okay. It will be transition, it will take some time getting used to. My life is going to change. The biggest thing I'm going to have trouble with is not being able to stay out until 2am. I know that's so weird, but it's something I'm used to and really enjoy. I love my nights out. 

I don't even really know what to say except that I'm really nervous about my job. I will keep everyone updated on how things are going and such. 

Ok. That's it. I just need everyone to pray for me. And that I'll learn to trust that God knows what is good for me and try not to be so nervous. AH.

I'm done. Adios.

One more down.

Well, my birthday is over. One more to mark off. I am 24. Exciting? We'll see. Probably not.

I was in a bratty mood all day today. I am starting to feel guilty about it. But my family was mildly irritating me. I suffer from what we like to call "middle child syndrome" MCS. Which basically means when the attention should be on me, all I get is crap. My dad and I got into a bit of an argument earlier today. And I don't even really want to get into what it was about, but it was stupid. Long story short. I was a brat all day, but it was definitely provoked. 

I feel like my parents are pulling me in two different directions. I feel like they want to me be able to be able to be a responsible adult, independent from them. BUT on the other hand, they aren't letting me do that. It's kind of a tough place to be in. I wish I could completely break free of that hold they have on me. My brother did. He did it very well. I wish I had his skills. 

Wow, that was a ramble if I've ever seen one.

Long story short: I did have a good birthday, regardless of the arguments and brattiness (not just on my part). I have awesome friends who I got to spend my evening with. And am excited for tomorrow evening. 

I'm just excited for life. Even though I may not seem that way sometimes, I really am. God really has blessed my life. And I am SOOOOO grateful. Probably not as grateful as I should be, but I'm workin' on it.

Anyways. I'm out. About ready to pass out from exhaustion.

God Bless.

24

I turn 24 in two hours. Since I've turned twenty, I get a little weirded out on my birthday. I'm not sure why. I'm not old. And it's not even getting weirded out because I feel old. I don't feel old at all. Maybe that's the problem. I'm getting older, but I don't feel older. 

I guess that's not so bad. I'm not losing touch with the child/teenager inside of me. I still like dorky things I liked in high school and when I was a kid. Hanson is still my favorite band. You can catch me watching the Disney Channel every once in a while. I still LOVE dinosaurs. I have stuffed animals in my room. Pictures of bands on my walls. 

On the other hand, I feel like I am missing out on a lot of adult things. I finally got my grown-up job. Which I start next week. But other than that, I still feel too young for my age in a bad way. At age 20, I thought I'd be married or engaged by this time in my life. Or at least be in a serious relationship. I am the definition of single at the moment. And it's not that I'm not okay with that, I'm fine with it. BUT at the same time, it's disappointing. I think it'd be fun to go out on dates. I've never really "dated" per say. The people I've gone out with were guys I met through friends. Nothing on my own accord. So I'm not exactly sure how to go about all that. 

Anyways. I am done rambling on about things. My blogs always have a point and then go nowhere. Oops. :)

That's all from me. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.

Currently Listening: Matt Nathanson-Beneath These Fireworks.

(Matt Nathanson is quickly climbing my list of favorite musicians ever)

music and lyrics.

so i was thinking about songs and song lyrics earlier. i've noticed how lately i've become more apt to become emotional when listening to a song. like fighting tears back kind of emotional. which is very strange for me because it takes a lot to make me cry. so i thought, i'd post some lyrics i really enjoy. without the artists of course, as to keep from judging based on that. 

'after all, we're only human; always fighting what we're feeling; hurt instead of healing'

'where has that old friend gone; lost in a february song'

'for they could not love you; but still your love was true; and when no hope was left inside; on that starry, starry night; you took your life as lovers often do' ~song for vincent vangogh

'the broken clock is a comfort; it helps me sleep at night'

'and i will walk on water; and you will catch me if i fall; and i will get lost into your eyes; i know everything will be alright'

'screaming in tongues; at the top of my lungs; 'til i find you, 'til you found me; and somehow i always knew that you would'

'i'm hearing without listening; and hearing every word that you're not saying; speaking without a sound'

'and it's amazing; the look in your eyes like you could save me; but you won't even try'

family.

So. Almost all the people on my dad's side of the family has a Facebook page. And they also just set up a community on Blogger. But I will not post with my blogger account. I feel like I need to keep my blog to myself and my friends. Why can't family be included in that? No idea.

Probably because my aunts, God bless them, will ask me questions. Inquiring minds want to know. And that isn't even bad. They are just interested in my life...I think. Is that so bad? 

Then I realize that it is so much easier to type my thoughts into this blog because I know that not everyone will read them and that even if they do, they won't get commented on. This is comforting to me. I've realized recently that I cannot confide in people. It is so difficult for me to do. Even my friends, even in my unity group (bible study for those of you outside of my realm of friends).

It is impossible for me to keep the topic of conversation on myself for any longer than 2 minutes because I start to feel really uncomfortable. I am beginning to wonder if that is normal. A lot of my friends and people I know can rattle on about themselves for extended periods of time. Which is fine, I'm not saying that's bad. I mean, I do that here, on this blog. But, face-to-face interaction regarding myself is so freaking impossible for me to do. Especially with important stuff. There are and were things that I should be sharing with people, for prayer, but I don't. I keep them to myself. I hate attention, and anything being on me for any reason.

I am not posting this because I want any sort of attention. That is actually the opposite of anything I'd ever want. I just am starting to think that I've stumbled upon a personality flaw. It's the same for when anybody compliments or thinks me capable or whatever. I cannot take it. I'm the only person who seems to think that I am not capable of this job I got. Everyone has said nothing but wonderful things to me and about me in the process and my own self-doubt is shoving it away. So I'm trying to take all the good things people say about me to heart. And am trying to believe them. 

So turns out I'm a weirdo just like everyone else. :)

And that, my friends, is very comforting. Also that God is great, awesome, amazing, all of the above. That is definitely something I can ALWAYS rely on. 

many times.

Many times have I written half a blog and just straight up deleted it. I just did. And now I am starting over with a different approach. (and then immediately deleted it)

Since I can't seem to make any coherent sense, I am going to just leave you all with this verse. 

 Psalm 18: 1-2:

the LORD is my rock, my fortress

and my deliverer;

my God is my rock, in whom I take 

refuge.

He is my shield and the horn of 

my salvation, my stronghold

I must remember this.

Quickly.

I just got home real late from hanging out with boys (weirdos), so I'm going to make this quick because I am super tired and should be sleeping.

I wanted everyone to know that the moon was really pretty tonight. It seems silly for me to post a blog just about how pretty the moon looks, but I wanted to share it with you all. Next time there is a clear sky, and it's cool outside, like now, take a look at the moon when it's late. Very pretty.

It seems like the cold air just dimmed the city lights and the sky looked clearer. Very nice. :)

Anywhoo. I must sleep now. Long day tomorrow, after a long day today. Working at Hallmark on any sort of made up holiday is not my idea of fun. (Sweetest Day was today/yesterday) 

Okay. 'Tis all. G'night.

Nerves.

So, we all know now that I got a job. The actual title being FRP Case Manager. FRP stands for family reunification program.

After the initial excitement wore off (more so from my friends than anyone else *cough* parents *cough*) the nerves started to set in. Now I am more terrified than anything. If I'm being honest here...

I started to realize that the well-being of children and families are semi-going to be in my hands. I will be interacting with families who have been through a lot, which is fine. But then I remembered that people don't always react to me in all the same ways. That makes me a little scared. I am not even entirely sure why. Probably because I have never really had this much responsibility, especially for other people. I need relax, I know, but I never freak out about anything really, so my time has finally come. Well, I wouldn't say I am freaking per say, but I am sure I will eventually. 

I just need to keep reminding myself that God is in ALL control and I shouldn't worry about it. So I am trying that. And everyone else seems to think I am capable, so maybe I should stop listening to myself for once...

Okay. That was it. I need to go find someway to warm up because my dad refuses to warm up our house at all. My nose is cold and my fingernails are turning purple...

The theology of insects.

So I was posed with this question tonight as I lay here in bed with a spider creeping up the wall beside me...does God truly frown upon killing insects?

I know that is so silly. But I could not bring myself to kill it. The spider was crawling on this cork board that I keep my key chain collection on (yes, I collect key chains) so I just removed the whole cork board from my wall and place it gently on the floor, on the other side of the room. There have been other times I've done silly things like this too. This summer there was a carpenter ant just hanging out in my bathroom with me because I could not bring myself to kill it. I do not know where this ant went. One day, he just disappeared. But it made me glad that I did not murder an innocent ant. 

Maybe one day I will be a crazy vegan. 

Anyway. I should go to sleep. I'm listening to mello music and it is making me sleepy. Recommendation: if you are having troubles falling asleep, give Clare de Lune by Debussy a listen. I pass out half way through every single time.

With that, God Bless. 

Currently Listening: Asleep-The Smiths

Currently Reading: Jesus Wants to Save Christians-Rob Bell

Well, I finally got one.

The place I interviewed at yesterday, called me to day and offered me a job. There were three openings and I got my second choice. But it actually sounds pretty good to me. I'll be working as a social worker type individual reunifying families who have had children removed for various reasons. I think it'll be good because I will be helping in the process of reuniting a family and hopefully that is a joyous event. As opposed to taking children away...ya know?

The women who called me today was in the group interview yesterday, but really wasn't the facilitator. She called me today all excited, I guess she was really impressed by me. I wasn't aware that I am impressive in any way, but it seems I am and it worked in my favor yesterday.

Don't get me wrong, I still fully intend on leaving this area. But it will not be soon. I need a winter season away from buckets of snow anyways. 

This is so weird to me. I have a career job. I am a professional. What an adult thing to be. My job has benefits. What is that shenanigans? I am something other than a sales associate. What. The. Crap. Man...I am a little boggled at this idea. Who wouldn't thought I'd ever be an adult...or at least...pretend to be an adult. 

Weird.

Job Interview

I had a job interview today. It was for an adoption type agency. And it was a group interview. 

I think job interviews are a little silly. It seems like people just lie about themselves for the most part as to please who is interviewing them. Just like most of our society, we only hear from other people what they think we want to hear. I am so sick of that. I think job interviews should just be social experiments. A social experiment would tell a lot about a person if they didn't know they were being experimented on. I would be up for that. 

I am trying to implement things in my life to make myself a more positive and more honest person. I don't want to be someone who says things because it is what other people want to hear. That's just stupid. And there is no need for me to be anything but positive about anything. God is in control of my life and He will lead me where I need to go because I trust him. I have faith in that. To be completely honest, I do not know how non-believers function on a daily basis. I cannot go through a day without looking to God for some kind of guidance. I would be a mess without Him. No direction to go. It would be terrible.

I am pretty positive about how my next year is going to pan out. I know that's an ironic thing to say after I was just talking about following God's path. But I feel like I can kind of see where my life is headed and I am SO super stoked for it. 

On that happy note. I have run out of things to say and have decided I am too tired to think anymore :)

God Bless.

Missing.

I miss Grand Rapids. I miss the people, I miss the city, I miss the atmosphere.

I forgot how much I love that place until I went back this weekend for a visit. As soon as I drove into the city, I was hit with how wonderful it really is. The people, the places and the atmosphere is so incredibly different than downriver. It even smells different. 

Cow poop instead of pollution. Lake winds instead of sewer steam. Churches instead of abandoned buildings. Clean instead of dirty. Farms instead of housing developments. Two lane highways instead of four or five lane highways. No posted speed limit instead of 35 mph speed limits. 

All those things and so many more.

I need to get back there. None of my friends here understand why. I don't expect them to. I know they will be upset, but I feel like it's what I need to do. 

Anyways. Time for unity group. 

God bless you all.

Deleted.

I almost deleted this blog. Not just this post, the whole thing. I started to feel guilty about creating one simply because people I know post blogs through here. However, I changed my mind. 

My brother is home from school this weekend. Which is the opposite of perfect timing because I'm going to Grand Rapids tomorrow, where he goes to school. Having him home is a depressing reminder of what it's like to have a life independent from parents. Not that I don't love my parents, I do, life is just better for me when I'm on my own. I am really not sure of what else I could be doing to find a job, but I need to start trying harder. Which I think is impossible, but I am sure there is something more to be done. I need to find a job so I can start living my independent, adult life. I long for it.

On a completely separate note, could anyone recommend a good book or two? I am always looking for more books to read, and the weather is really getting perfect for it. I want some more books lying around. 

Speaking of books. Yesterday I was cleaning out my closet of junk (simplicity is key) and I was struck by the idea of creating an organization that provides free books to families of limited means. I wonder how I could start something like that. Or if a place like already exists...hm. I'll have to check into that. Don't steal my idea people! :-)

Alright-I'm off to bed. I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow.

God Bless.

Something to be said about fall..

This evening I spent my time reading a book, while wrapped in a blanket, enjoying a hot cup of tea.

My mood has improved exponentially since the cooler weather hit and I am very grateful for it. I'm a happier person when I get that first taste of cool, crisp fall air. I feel like the heat and the humidity of summer congest my mind and I can think much more clearly as soon as it is gone. I am definitely more myself during the cooler months. 

I cannot wait for the leaves to start changing. It is just one more thing to remind me of how wonderful God is and that His creation is a masterpiece. I see that all the time but it is just magnified with the vibrate colors that you see during fall. 

Fall is my season. I live for it.

Bandwagon

A few people I know have blogs on this site. So I thought I'd jump the bandwagon and start sharing my thoughts here instead of MySpace...which lacks some kind of interested audience. 

I really don't have anything of consequence to had at this moment. I've got some things rattling around in the 'ol brain, but my congested head won't let thoughts come out clearly.

You'll hear from me as soon as my cold is gone.

Until then, God bless. :)