Joy Full

I want to tell you about someone I know. Her name is Hazel Chivers, she's close to 90 years old.

I've known Hazel for as long as I can remember. My mom met her at church not when my sister was really young (I think). Which means I've known Hazel literally all my life.

Hazel is sassy, and beautiful, and so full of joy. When she talks, all I can hear is love and Jesus. I know a little about her life, but I'm sure it wasn't an easy one. She was married three different times, I think. Not because she got sick of those men and traded them in for a better model. No, they all passed for various reasons. I knew her last husband. He was also a wonderful man.

I wish I could carry Hazel around in my pocket. I know, it sounds weird. She is so full of encouragement. When I talk to her, her first words are always, "How are you pretty girl? Are you still as beautiful as ever?" Or "Do you still have that beautiful hair of yours?" "Are there any men in your life? No? Well one day you'll find a man who will take care of you the way you deserve." That's usually coupled with a don't settle for less than you deserve kind of statement. She also always encourages me to continue working with people less fortunate, through my job. "I know it's hard honey, but those kids need someone to love them".

To be honest, I usually have a hard time taking in this kind of encouragement because for some reason, it always sounds forced to me. Hazel is different. She means it. From the bottom of her heart, I know she means it.

I want to be like this. When I talk to people, all I want them to hear is the love of Christ. And I can be honest with myself. I know I'm not always the best at being this way. I get upset and cranky sometimes. Everyone does. We just need to learn to deal with it better.

My fear in reaching this goal is that I'll start to sound fake. I've seen the fake. I've heard the fake. I don't want to come across that way.

My soul desires a gentle, joyful spirit.  I just need to look to Christ more and more and more. I know I can get there.




The prospect of the righteous is joy, but the hopes of the wicked come to nothing. - Proverbs 10:28

Done.

So guys.

I did it.

I completed 13.1 miles of running in the Detroit Half Marathon. And I would be lying to you if I said I wasn't so completely happy and proud.

I've never been much of a competitor. And even still, I completed the half marathon in 2:45:11. That's not a very "competitive" time, it's about a 12 min/mile. I'm perfectly happy with this.

My goodness. I am so tired. My day started at 4:45am, after not much sleep. I was in a wedding yesterday and I got home late and was all hyped up, so I had to calm myself quite a bit before I could fall asleep. Even then, my heart was pounding while I was lying in bed. I got myself so worked up.

I was very nervous before the start of the race. I tried to focus on the positive energy of the people around me, which as helpful. Being around all those people who are trying to accomplish the same thing you are is really exciting. The mood of the event was great overall.

As a part of the half and full marathon you run across the Ambassador Bridge over to Windsor, and you come back through the tunnel to get back into the city. The bridge was really cool. It was fun to run over the river and get to see all the good views. The incline onto the bridge was pretty intense but I set myself a good pace and took my time. The tunnel, on the other hand, was rather miserable. My feet and legs were getting tired at that point, and the air in the tunnel was so hot and stale. I have to say that was my least favorite part of the run.

Around mile 10, I got a good burst of energy. I think it was the group handing out the M&Ms to all the runners :) The last 3 miles were really awesome. I felt great and happy and a rush has I got closer to the finish line.

AH! I can't believe this is actually done. I'm SO happy I've done this. Not many people I know have. I just feel a real sense of accomplishment and pride that I've actually set out to do something and completed it, so easily. I don't feel like this very often. And I kinda like it :)

Now, bring on next year!!!

To the ladies: On being single and Christian.

I written blogs like this previously. But God has laid it on my heart, so I'm thinking this is where it needs to come out.

I'm a Christian. I'm almost 27 (EEK). I am single. Not kinda single, but straight up, in your face, single.

I have to be honest here. I've had a few moments of self pity. Moments where I wanted nothing more than to be with someone. To have that companionship. But if I'm being REALLY honest with myself and you people, that rarely happens.

For a while there, I thought I HAD to be in a moment of singledom panic. Because that's what we're supposed to do, right? The "I'm fast approaching 30, no end in sight, what am I DOING with my life??!" kind of panic.

I'm not panicking though.

Girls, we're fed this lie. This horrible, defeating lie. This lie that we don't have anything until we have a man. What is this horrible thing and where did it start? This idea has destroyed so much of who we are and what we are capable of doing as single ladies, that it breaks my heart. The goal, it seems, is to keep on constant watch and wait for the next man in our lives. What IS this?

It's a waste. That's what it is. A waste of time, a waste of energy, a waste of the precious gift of life God has given us. We're meant to live. To be free.

And please. Have standards. Don't lower what you want to fit what you can get. I won't lower my standards to fill some stupid hole that society tells me I should have.

Ladies, be single. Own it. Don't let that define your life. Don't let it bring you down. You can experience so much life. So much life that you're missing.  One day you'll look back and think to yourself, "I'm glad I had that time to figure out who I am as an individual". Let God be your companion. He will comfort and hold you in a way that a boy never could. God will carry your burdens, your hardships.

Sorry for the muddled rant. Like I said, God has had this on my heart for a while now. And I needed to get it out. It bothers me to see girls hurting because they feel like that have no worth as a single woman.

I'm telling you now. You have SO much worth. SO much. You just have to find in yourself.

Bubbles.

We all live in bubbles.

You didn't know?

I have given this a lot of thought over time. I have my own bubble. My own existence. My thoughts and my heart and my knowledge and my beliefs are all in this bubble. Now, people are included partially in this bubble. Some more than others. And those people all have their bubbles, that I'm also a part of. I'm pretty cautious with my bubble. Too scared that someone is going to take what is inside it and use it for their own good, or to hurt me. Others have an open door bubble. Awesomely transparent. Personally, I can't live with my bubble this way. I want to keep some of it to myself. Save it for someone who is going to take it and love me for it, regardless. God lives in and out of my bubble. All at the same time. Because it's God, and He's more great than I can ever try to put into words.

When you're around people, your bubbles co-exist. And this is what has always gotten me. When I leave you, my bubble goes on, and so does yours. Existing entirely outside of each other, but always aware that you are out there somewhere. For example, after I leave a friend, I go home, or go wherever, 100% aware of myself and my actions and what I'm doing. But that other person is doing the same exact thing outside your awareness and bubble. It's so strange to me. Like I can think of any of my friends at this given moment and picture where they are or what they are doing with absolutely no certainty if that is at all correct. Or my friends could think of me or picture me in my current state, without any certainty if they are correct. But in your or my own mind's eye, that is reality. When it's not.

Then there are these other bubbles floating around with you that you have no connection to, whatsoever. Bubbles with their own thoughts, beliefs, etc. I could be sitting next to someone at a red light, and they exist in their own world, their own bubble, completely separate and unrelated to me. Yet for that brief second, we find our bubbles co-existing. In one small moment.

Are you following? Probably not. I wonder if there is a philosophical science or name to anything I'm talking about right now. Most likely. Anyways. I had this conversation with someone last week and discovered I'm not the only one who thinks about these things. Kinda comforting knowing you're not the only crazy person around.

God Bless

A wrench in my running wheel.

A wrench has been thrown in my half marathon training. Things were going along swimmingly. I am/was getting a little impatient with how slow time was moving, and just wanted it to get here, so I could do it and go back to my cardio/lifting routine. Anyways. On Friday, I started to have some discomfort in my chest, near my heart. Long story short, I went to the ER on Saturday night, and they ran all sorts of tests; EKG, blood clot, chest xrays, thyroids, etc. Nothing showed up except a slight palpitation, but nothing that concerned the doctor. The resident told me it was ok to run, but the other doctor who I saw said to take it easy. Which is hard to do with like barely three weeks left before the race. Even now, almost a week after it started, I'm still feeling the pressure. It makes me nervous. I don't know what I should do about this race. I'll have wasted a lot of money after registering and not doing it. And also be super disappointed that I put in all that work, and told SO many people I was doing it, just to not. However, I don't want to risk my well-being by pushing myself to do something I shouldn't, even though the doctors said all my tests came out fine. I just don't like not knowing what is going on. And I've never had any real health problems. The only major things was a slight case of mono my freshmen year of high school and my horrible nose bleeds as a child. So I'm not quite sure how to cope with all this. The doctors also mentioned to me that it's probably anxiety. Which I've known for a while now is something I have. I just wasn't aware chest pains or whatever could last thing long with anxiety. I always thought it was something that was over within 20 minutes or so. The anxiety is another battle I'm clearly losing, that's another thing I have to get taken care of. Ugh. So basically I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I'd just go to the doctor until somebody figured something out to make it stop, but I don't have insurance right now therefore making all this very expensive :/ Just please pray that I figure this out soon or that it'll just go away. And that I can convince myself that not racing won't be a blow to my credibility and that my health is more important than a stupid race. Le Sigh.

Too much noise.

I have a paper journal that I write in occasionally. I've neglected it more in the last year than I ever have and it makes me a little sad. I need to write more in it because when it comes down to it, everything on the internet seems so temporary. As long as a fire doesn't take my house, or some person steals my journals, I will always have them.

I wrote in it briefly the other night, since I realized that I have neglected it, and subsequently it made me sad. Anyways, after I wrote my blurb, I went back and read some of my entries from when I was still at school. Trust, it goes back that far, it's a big journal, and like I said I haven't been writing in it a whole lot.

This is the conclusion I came to: I was out of control introspective in college. It could be the combination of two things. First, I was in college so obviously I thought I was a deep thinker, intellectual. This may be true, but I've always kind of been that way. Second, I had the time to be like that. And it's that idea right there that is bothering me. I allowed myself the time to sit and think. I don't get that time anymore, it feels like. I walked nearly everywhere, I didn't have texting, I would daydream a lot in classes, etc. I don't even day dream like I used to.Though, this has allowed me to be a more social person, I miss all that about myself. Getting lost in thought is one of my favorite past times, and I've lost that a little. I hope to gain it back. I really do.

The world is too loud. Everyone always has to be filling some desire to make themselves happy. When was the last time you just sat to yourself? Just you and God? I'm embarrassed to say I don't do this as often as I used to, or as often as I would like to.

Our world is dying from the noise. I'm convinced. All the noise of social media, selfish wants, all the horrible ways people get them, how they grew up, what others tell them. The list goes on and on. Ourselves don't get much further than our own skin. Anything beneath that is too real and anything outside of that will force you to think of others first and in our society, it's not very popular.

Subconsciously, I think I realized I was needing to leave all the noise. I need to be more aware of myself and more aware of others. I've been really careful of who I've been around lately. I've been drawn to others I know acknowledge their own growth and the things I may be going through, even without telling them.

I'm grateful for those people. I really, really am.

It's time to get out of the noise. Look past your own skin. Forward and backwards. You'd be amazed at what you find.

80% Mental. 40% Physical.

I am three weeks into my marathon training. So far so good.

I'm still not a fan of wind. Breezes I can get down with though. It's beautiful. I purchased a hat that wicks sweat so that's been key in the prevention of sweat in the eyes. One more thing I learned, don't run at a metro park without bug spray. Last Saturday I got attacked by horseflies. Though swatting them away helped me not focus on how much I had to run.

Running is a mental game. Just like in the movie Little Giants (yay childhood!), they said "Football is 80% mental and 40% physical". Though the math doesn't quite add up. It makes perfect sense with running. My mind goes a million miles a minute when I'm running. The constant, "I'm tired". "I have to run THAT many more miles". "I could stop..." It's a constant battle. I wonder if I'm the only runner who does that. And yes, I am referring to myself as a runner. I think I deserve it.

My longest long run thus far has been six miles. It felt so good when I got done. My knee hurt later, once the endorphins wore off, but still. Tomorrow I have to run seven miles. What's one more?? That's my new philosophy for my long runs, "What's one more?"

I talk to God a lot when I'm running. I know He's the only reason I have to strength and ability to actually accomplish this mess. I am essentially breaking myself down mentally and physically and it's putting me in a nice and vulnerable place to be able to talk to God. It's pretty great. I praise Him for giving me the strength and motivation to try and accomplish this goal. And I plead with Him to take the fatigue and horseflies away. It's one of those things where you can never ask God for something too little. I know we forget that sometimes. That God is there for the day-to-day things as well.

God's so big, He's even in the little things.

Well that's my running update so far. I want to post something just for lady runners, but y'all will be sufficiently warned beforehard. :)

God Bless you all. And happy running.

Marathon training day 1

So here is the conclusion I've come to. I'm going to start training as if I'm running the full marathon, which is my plan. But if I am physically unable to keep up with that, I may just run the half and make the full my goal for next year. You might be thinking, "Well why the defeatist attitude?" I'm just being realistic. I may not be able to physically do it. And I don't want to injury myself to the point where I may never be able to even think about attempting a marathon in the future.

Aside from that, today was the first day of official training. I was little pessimistic because my diet wasn't super great this weekend. I went to Indiana to visit Meredith and visiting anywhere doesn't always equal the greatest food choices. My run went well considering. I ran about a 11-min mile, which is really what I'm aiming for. If it inadvertently improves over the course of the next couple months, great, but I'm not trying to win any awards here. Just to finish the race, and accomplish a personal goal.

So a couple things I noticed today.
-I don't like running into wind.
-However, the wind is useful, as it drys the sweat on my face which would otherwise be going into my eyes.
-I need a sweatband.
-Not a fan of hills either, but I realized today that if I pay attention to my breathing, I am able to get it back to normal.
-I need shorts. Ick.

Alright. Day 1 completed! I'm pretty excited overall. And a little scared.

I just have to remember this one little things: If it were supposed to be easy, everyone would do it.

Hot minute.

Well it's been a hot minute since I've said anything remotely constructive here. May as well try to do that. We'll see how this spontaneity goes.

My brain is bouncing around to different things per usual. As far as the normal complaints goes, here's the update. My job isn't quite what I thought it'd be. We have a lot more consistent families, but I'm not sure how I feel about things and the way they are here. All I know is that I really have the reigns of this program, and I pray my supervisor recognizes that. Because when the opportunity presents itself, I'm planning on moving on. For two reasons: a) I don't make enough money. Only because I feel like my bills are taking over my life, and I haven't felt this way before. And b) I'd like to be doing something else.

I'm pretty happy with myself and everything else. I've come back full circle with the boys and realized for now I'm happy with the way things are. I'm single, not opposed to dating at ALL, but I've also found some patience in the process. I think it helps that I'm really becoming more comfortable with myself and who I am as time moves on. I'm battling my struggles, but I'm making progress, which is SUPER helpful. On that note: If anyone's willing to set me up, I'm game. :)

My brother is moving to Colorado this summer. His wife got a teaching job out there and they are packing up and heading for the mountains. I'm happy for them because I know that's what they have wanted and talked about doing for a while now. I'm just going to miss my Irish twin, and I'm a little jealous he gets to go explore a new place and I don't. One day, God willing, I'll be doing the same. Probably not Colorado, because that's kinda far, but still. I am really excited to have an opportunity to visit a new place. ROAD TRIP!

I still think about opening a bakery all the time. I think it'd be so fun. Maybe I'll do that later in life. Who knows.

I'm doing the pre-training for the marathon. Every time I run, and I get tired, I keep thinking, why the poop am I doing this, but then I remember it's supposed to be difficult. If it were easy, everyone would do it, right?

That's pretty much all I got.
Oh yeah.
God is great.
:)

Side job.

I've been thinking a lot about doing a little side project in my spare time. Something, unfortunately, I find to have a lot of these days.

Since I enjoy baking so much, and other people seem to enjoy my baking as well, I suppose I could find a way to make some extra cash from it.

I need to find some recipes though for some really yummy and creative desserts and try more of them out. I successfully made cupcakes in ice cream cones last week. They look super cute, and tasted pretty yummy as well. So that would be perfect for a little kids b-day parties, especially with summer trying to get here.

I don't know, just something I'm contemplating. My sister asked me to make stuff for Faith and Cassidy's party in June (?) so, that'll be good practice for baking for the masses. :)

That's all.

God Bless. :D

Random Thought

I wish I lived in city where I could just walk to an all night coffee shop or pastry shop or little store on lovely nights like tonight.

I remember in Germany, my dad and I got home really late from one of our castle excursions, and we were both hungry. So after we got back to the hotel, we walked to get some food. Lots of little places were still open. It was really nice.


I wouldn't mind doing that tonight.

That's all.

shtuff.

well i suppose, for me, this is going to be a little embarrassing. I went to Chicago the first week of April, and haven't worked out since. I've ran on those Saturdays, but not anything to brag about. i've really be feeling the backlash of that.

i lost the motivation to run. i don't know if i over-did it and my body and mind just got tired of it or what, but it happened. and i'm having a really hard time finding the energy and motivation to do it again. i have a little more energy than i've had in a while, so i'll be able to pick it up again. i'm just really kinda angry with myself for even stopping. i'm only making this more difficult on myself than it needs to be.

running is super therapeutic for me, i've realized. everyone needs their "me" time and i think this was it for me. my daily mental and physical challenge. because running is as much mental as physical sometimes. my self esteem took a hit too. not gunna lie. running kept me in some semblance of shape. i'm starting to look like i haven't been working out and me no likey.

i know i'm capable of so much i'm not doing. running first. second is my musical stuff. under the layers of my brain, i know there is musical talent in there. there really, really is. untapped potential. but whenever i hit a bump, my progress stops. why i do this? i don't know. it's pretty ridiculous if you ask me. the things i've learned on the guitar so far haven't been that difficult for me. if i really sat down and got it through my brain that i just need to memorize the rest of the chords i don't know, i could really be somewhere with it. maybe even be able to play with the youth group or church, which would be lovely.

maybe from now on i need to focus on what is i can change instead of what i can't.

i can learn the guitar and be awesome at it. i can run a marathon. i can, i can.

Important question.

this is of utter importance people.

i need to know. and you need to think about this.

what is your favorite dinosaur?

i was asked this question last week while looking at dinosaur fossils and it definitely took me off guard. what IS my favorite?

after some thought, this is the conclusion i have come to: my childhood favorite was the triceratops and i must say, i have not moved from that. as i sit here and watch jurassic park for probably the 108th time in my life, i really am reminded of how much i like that particular dinosaur.

so, my dear friends, what's your favorite dinosaur??

throwing a fit.

last week at this time, i imagined things completely different than they are now. it makes me a little sad.

i've had a difficult couple of weeks. my skill in hiding this is scary. i'm still struggling. surface level it may seem like i'm whining, but it goes past that.

i threw a fit to God this week. i'm telling you all this in a effort to be transparent and without much other outlet, here it is. i am embarrassed and ashamed of it. but me and God are good again. that is the amazing thing about grace. i can act like a complete child and be upset that i don't get my way and God is there waiting with open arms when i decided to stop the tantrum.

i suppose i could honestly say i struggle with finding God's path for me. i really think i'm not on it. if i am on it, then i'm struggling with waiting. waiting, waiting, waiting. i need to meditate on that more. because my life is moving at a much slower speed than the people around me and it's starting to bother me a little bit.

i keep toying with the idea of going back to school. i know i need to do it. i'm just nothing sure for what. my masters? ok, well in what then? maybe my teaching degree? ok then that means the bachelors degree i have now was kinda pointless. and if i go back to school, that means i'm stuck here for a couple more years. something i really don't want. then maybe i could move, then go back to school. but who knows when someone outside of southeast michigan will hire me? and do i want to put off further education that long? and if i'm working full time and going to school when will i ever find time to see my friends, run, meet someone?

although i often wonder how i will ever meet someone. i don't get out like that. and i'm so fed up with the online crap, that seems like dead end too. i know God will bring me someone, but i'm at a loss of how much i have to put into it. do i just sit here and my future special dude will just appear? i don't think that's possible. but then again, with God, all things are possible.

these are the circles i run in my head. fun, eh?

i need to just pray pray pray. God will show me. i just gotta learn to be shown. and accept that what God has for me is what is perfect. and that i don't know what the outcome will be.

and knowing is half the battle.

Random Confession #4

I will drive out of my way for Snapple Peach Iced Tea.

It's true.

Thankfully I work near a gas station that sells them, but it's rare. I know two places that sell it. Meijer gas station, and the BP Station on Allen Road near Northline. Oh and the gas station by Mr. Quick's movie theatre.

It's so goooood. Reminds me of my younger years, (haha).

They are also a good learning tool, since there is a random fact on the inside of the bottle cap. The one I have today is: President William McKinley had a pet parrot that he named "Washington Post". I get to learn and have a delicious beverage as well.

That's all.
God Bless :)

In a box.

Anyone else struggle with what is in your head for your reasons or for God's reasons? It's very egocentric for me to think I'm the only one struggling through these things. I know I'm not, but sometimes it certainly feels like it.

I have all these things on my mind that I want and sometimes feel like I need to do. It's difficult distinguishing whether it's me or God that wants these things.

One, my intense, and sometimes mind numbing need to be someplace else. I love my friends, and my church but I still really feel like this isn't where I'm supposed to be. I can't possibly understand what I'm doing here. But that's the kicker. We don't see, we can't see, not until it's all played out and you have that "ah ha" moment where everything makes sense. I haven't had one of those in a LONG time.

Being other places only increases that desire. Chicago was a wonderful, great, amazing experience. I'm glad I spent that time with my friends, and getting to be somewhere else for a change. And I can see myself living there. I really can. Being part of the bustling urban lifestyle, selling my car, and taking the train everywhere. Or my bike, or just walk. I LOVE the idea of that.

My new struggle is living my life full out, fearlessly for God. I feel like I'm just trudging along, not doing much. It's boring, and I'm tired of it. I just don't know how to do life any other way. Which I think is all tied to my need for something new. To throw myself in a situation so new, and uncomfortable that I can do whatever I want because people wouldn't know me any other way. I'm kind of thrown into this box I think. I don't want to be there anymore.

I don't know how to get out of this. I'll figure it out eventually, I guess. Just gotta keep praying and something will happen For better or for worse, something will happen.

I just hope it's for better.

Ideas.

First off: Adam and Dave always have awesome pictures to go with their posts, so I'm steal that idea :D

Occasionally I am inspired by ideas, that never play out, but I think that are amazing. They are rare, I assure you. And more often than not, they are collaborated.

Here are two:
(1) Me and Brittney have an idea for an awesomely amazing cafe. That given the right location, would be a complete hit. We are brilliant, but we are also poor, haha. But I think the combination of baked goods, sandwiches, coffee, and live music would be great. Just sayin'.

(2) I have a great idea for a book too. I don't really want to give the specifics, but I'm seriously tempted to write an outline for it. I'm overly observant and this has given me some insight that centrally-minded people don't usually see. I don't know, I'm tempted. We'll see where that goes.

That's all. : )

Heavy.

Saturday night I was feeling really down on myself. It happens sometimes, as I'm sure it does to everyone else. I was wondering to myself, why is everyone so afraid of change, when it's the one thing I want most right now? Didn't make sense to me.

Then I went to church on Sunday.

You ever have those church services where God is speaking directly to your heart? Where you feel like maybe the message being delivered is specifically for you, and it didn't matter who else was in the room? Yeah, that was me Sunday.

I've had this happen to me before, but not as significantly as it did Sunday. Waiting on the Lord. I've heard this before, and I thought I was doing this, but it appears as if I was failing. Failing miserably. It's as if through Dave's words God was saying "Take a breath, Hillary". It was nice to hear.

It's been a struggle since then, but I'm managing thanks to that little boost I needed to hear.

This idea is heavy on my heart, and I need to work through it. And God knows that. That's why I heard it when and in the way I did.

So thanks God for perfect timing, as it will always be. Thanks Dave for speaking the words. And thanks to everyone who puts up with my whining... *cough*Brittney*cough*

Now I just have to figure out what I should do while I'm waiting on the Lord. Hmm..

Fast.

My week this week has gone surprisingly fast. Which is not typical considering I have so many things to look forward to these next couple of months.

The program I was hired to run finally starts next week. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I have a feeling the kids I will be working with aren't always going to love being around me. As in, they are high need, emotionally. But I hope to create a fun environment for them to be in, therefore allowing me to reach them somehow. My hours are going to be a little screwy also, so I'll have to get used to that.

Since my program is starting next week, it seems time will probably move even faster through this month and next. Which, will be nice since I have fun things to look forward to.

I don't like when time moves slow. I don't like it when it moves fast either. Slow means I have to wait for things, fast means I feel like my short time on this earth is slipping away and what the heck am I doing with myself?

My brain is exhausting.

Maybe I should just chill out and take what is thrown my way in whatever time it takes. Yeah, that sounds good.

Aches and pains.

So far so good with the running.

I did my first "long" run on Saturday and was able to do 3 miles. I was pretty impressed with myself seeing as I haven't ran a normal pace since probably December. I ran at about an 11 min. mile pace. Which is good for me and I'm completely happy with that pace. Everything I've said that when training for a marathon, pick a pace and stick to it. So hello 11 min/mile. We're friends now.

On Saturday I did have some annoying, uncomfortableness in my hips. It didn't really hurt, really, it was just uncomfortable. It was suggested it was a hip flexor problem so I just took it easy for two days and I ran yesterday and it was fine.

My run yesterday went well also. I did 2.5 miles, as a mid-week easy run. This time my shins were hurting, BUT I suppose it's just "growing pains" if you will. I stretched and did some weight training for my legs, so hopefully I can continue to build some strength in my legs so that doesn't continue to be a problem. Shins splints are so obnoxious.

I'm doing a 5K on March 20th, to get in the zone for running outside and in races. Next step is a 10K, but I have to find one. I would really like to run the half marathon in Nashville at the end of April, as was previously suggested, because I love Nashville, but I don't think I'll be ready in time.

Well that was my marathon/running update for today :)

Run away (and marathon stuff)

I am beginning to come to the realization that my immediate reaction to everything is to just run away. Physically or in my mind. Retreat is the answer.

I've become pretty good at mentally retreating. Definitely not something I should be proud of, and I'm not. Not talking is my defense mechanism, which I suppose typically goes unnoticed since I have a habit of not talking that much anyways. I have this intense fear of speaking up for myself. In all honesty, it's probably my biggest fear. Close second is being alone, but that's so cliche, it's not even worth mentioning.

Speaking of the fear of being alone. Online dating attempt number three is, no surprise, turning into a huge fail. Surprised? I'm not. There was one dude, but yeah, that didn't pan out. Everyone else is just old or creepy. And finding Christian's on Match or any others is virtually impossible.

It's all very weird. This dating thing. Boys and girls and how they interact. I'm pretty much over trying to figure out what's going on in boys brains. Why can't we just spit it out? Say what we're really thinking? Why all the guessing games? I don't understand it. Seems like a waste of time.

Another weird thing. About me. I'm fairly happy with myself right now. I'm just bored with life. A boy would make things interesting, moving would make things interesting, traveling to Europe would make things interesting, training for a marathon would makes things interesting. OH WAIT, I'm actually having some luck with that one.

On that note: Marathon update.
Turns out the marathon is the day after a wedding I'm in. I will be taking contraband into the wedding in the form of lots of water, and whatever else I should be consuming the day before.

My mom is pretty freaked out by the whole idea. She's heard too many horror stories, so I'm going to get a physical at some point to ease her mind.

I did my first regular run on Saturday. I've only been doing intervals for that last couple of months. I pushed out 3 miles which is pretty friggin' good and it was my goal. I was running at about an 11 minute pace, which is good enough for me. I'm not not trying to break any speed records here.

And things just keep getting added to my calendar. I'm exhausted thinking about it. It's gunna be good though. March is going to straight rock. Matt Wertz album, CURLING! (AHH!!!!), Matt Wertz concert. Actually April is looking pretty good too, but March is going to be so swell that I'm not sure April is going to pan out. Except for Chicago, that'll be cool. But after my two busy months, I WILL be buckling down and doing this whole marathon thing. It's happening.

Anyways, I'm done, I'm tired, it's time for bed.
G'NIGHT!

Obsessed.

I'm becoming obsessed with the idea of this marathon. I know so many people who blog about their kids, pregnancies, weddings, writing. I love those blogs, you learn lots by reading them. And I finally have something to contribute to that.

The last two days I've been talking to Jason about different marathon techniques and advice, as well as reading a lot online about such things and here is what I've come up with so far.

First things first, I need to change my eating habits. I'm in the process of that now and I failed yesterday (cupcake and ice cream, but am doing a little better over all. I will no go a week without hitting Subway, so I've successfully switched from ranch to sweet onion. Which, by the way, is SOO good. I also bought some almonds. Some coco coated kind, and cinnamon honey roasted. Delicious.

Second, I think I need to maybe get down a little in the weight area before I start the hardcore training around May. I'm not complaining about my weight and I don't think I'm fat. I'm just at the higher end of where I'd like to be and I feel like it'd be easier to train if I trimmed up a bit.

That's what I'm working on right now. Today for lunch I have a peanut butter and banana sandwich w/ wheat bread, yogurt, and some almonds. It's probably not enough, but I'm not like hardcore training yet, so I'll be fine.

I'm doing my first normal run tomorrow. The goal is three miles, so we'll see how that goes.

I'll keep you all updated.

I'm doing it.

Hey guys.

I'm doing it. I'm running a marathon.

Eek.

A friend texted me after I posted my last blog and convinced me to do it. He's done marathons, so I suppose I trust him that I could do this :P

I'm actually really excited. There is a lot to this process. It'll definitely be a challenge, but I'm really looking forward to being able to say, "Hey, I ran a marathon". And like I said before, I've been wanting to do it forever now and it's about time I actually put my words into action.

So I guess I can put this blog to some actual constructive use and use it to keep everyone updated on what I'm doing, training-wise as well as little nutritional tricks I pick up along the way.

Anyways, that's all. I just wanted to update everyone and when I actually start the official training, I'll let you all know how it's going.

:)

The Marathon.

I've got that inkling again.

The desire that comes back every year around this time since I was in college.

I have an intense desire to run a marathon. Not a half marathon, a full, 26.2 mile marathon.

I need to do this, I think. If the desire keeps coming back, it just seems like something that needs to be done.

For me, it is the biggest physical challenge I could ever complete. I just need to really be serious about it to do it. I've got some time to think and pray about it.

I might as well do it while I'm still young, and can.

Alrighty, that was all.

The Bee's Knees.

The months of March and April are going to be the bee's knees. Let me tell you!

Oh, and I am.

March-
Release of Matt Wertz's new album "Weights and Wings" on March 15th. Awesome. Great. Amazing. Me? Excited!

Followed by going to see him in Ann Arbor with my sister from another mister on the 31st.

In between that time I will fulfill my life's calling and go curling with The Jason, as he tends to refer to himself as. This will be life changing as I'm sure I'm a nature and will instantly be recruited for the US Women's Curling Team. Don't you all miss me too much when I'm off touring with them. I'm hoping for there to be a Red Wings game to be had this weekend, but that's not looking too promising.

April-
Fun time trip to Chicago the first weekend in April. I've planned this whole trip so it's kind of my baby that I'm kinda proud of. It'll be sooper dooper fun times awesomesauce.

Then there is the 30 Seconds to Mars concert I am attending with some people.

The very next day the one and only Ernie Halter (one of my acoustic boys I enjoy so much) will be playing a private house concert in Waterford at my friend Lindsey's house. This is really cool of him to do and I'm REALLY looking forward to it.

I think I'm done bragging.... yep, yep I am.

=)

Things I like. Part two.

I was driving home just now listening to Matt Nathanson's live album. I believe it's called "At the Point". The man is an amazing musician. This particular album is a little... um... colorful. Matt is, like I said, an amazing musician, but I do believe he could have done well as a comedian.

But that's beside the point.

Towards the end of the album, he sings a song called "Suspended". He plays it so beautifully live. And here is the thing I like:

The audience is so very into the song, and the performance, they are completely silent.

I mean, during live shows, there always seems to be a white noise of mur-murs. Which seems typical because people will talk to each other.

Until the performer plays one amazing, quiet, meaningful song and everyone shuts up and is completely drawn in by the music. I love this. I've been to many shows where this has happened. Where the artist almost is pouring their souls to you from on stage. At which point all you can do it just stop and watch them give this heart wrenching performance with you mouth hanging wide open. At least, that's what happens to me.

That's one more thing I like.

Hope you like it too.

In it.

I am finding myself in quite a funk lately.

All I can think is, it's really time for something else. Things have been just so dull and predictable for quite some time now. And I can hardly stand it anymore. I am crawling out of my skin all the time.

It's just hard because I don't know how to find a job somewhere else. That's my only way out. If I find a job far, far away from here. I can't just up and go without any money. And it doesn't seem like anyone hires out of state. It's almost as if I'd be better off just leaving and hoping to God I find a job.

Funny thing. As I was initially writing this, I got an IM from my best childhood friend's husband. Asking if I was busy this weekend and able to come and visit. They recently moved to Indiana, so I jumped at the chance to get out of here for a little bit. It was a long drive, but I SO didn't mind it. And I had a lot of fun with them (as usual :) )Unfortunately, I had to come home early because of this ridiculous amount of snow we are getting right now. It was only a for a day, but it totally reaffirmed how much I need a change of scenery.

I sound like such a broken record. I am very aware of it. I guess I'm just having a hard time lately. Everyone is finding relationships, getting married and having kids. I feel kind of left behind. And I know people around me are even wondering when I'm going to find someone. Sometimes I wonder if it's even in the cards for me. Again with the broken record. I'm sorry. I can't help it.

In my mind, a fresh start would fix everything. It probably won't, but it would be really great for a while. So right now, I'm going to focus my energies on looking for jobs elsewhere.

Ok. I'm done whining.


For now.

:)

Things I like.

I decided to dedicate a post to a few things I like. I've got a lot of things rolling around in my brain right now, so I thought I'd do this to keep it upbeat.

(1) Books.

I love books. I enjoy reading them. Holding them. Getting lost in them. I like how limitless books can be. It's not like a movie where there are restrictions and time limits. Authors are able to use exactly what is needed for the story. And I really enjoy that feeling you get when you finish a book. It's just great.

(2) Learning.

Learning is also great. I like when I learn things just randomly during the day. I also think it's interesting how we all like learning about different things. Something that interests you may not interest me and vise versa. My new obsession is cathedrals. Like this one: Beautiful

(3) Weather

To go right along with the learning category, I love weather. I love how it changes, how different atmospheric things effect the temperature, amount of cloud cover, etc. The dangerous stuff is what gets me though. Hurricanes, thunderstorms, lightning, and tornadoes. Oh the tornadoes. Completely, totally fascinating. Mesocyclones are my favorite. I mean, look at this:


Ok, that's all for now. I have to pay attention to one of my other favorite things, The X-Files, which I've recently found on my Netflix. :)

Random Confession: Number Three

I air drum on the tread mill.

Quite often.

Focusing on the music helps me to not focus on how difficult the running can be sometimes.

And I quite enjoy air drumming. Actually, it happens a lot in my car too.

I'm so weird.

:)

Yoga.

I want to try yoga. I've actually wanted to for some time now. And I've found a place near my house that is a non-profit, donation based studio. Which means, it runs only off of donations, so it won't be that expensive.

But here is my dilemma.

I was listening to a Christian talk radio show a few months back. (yes, I do that) And they were discussing either it is okay for Christians to practice yoga. Intrigued, I listened on. They say that due to yoga's Hindu roots, that it is dangerous for Christians to practice yoga. That it takes your mind away from God and to the Hindus gods.

I just looked up some information regarding this, I found that yoga is based in Hinduism and Buddhism. That the poses used in yoga, are poses that practicing Hindus would do in front of statues of their gods to gain their approval. A lot of meditation and such is also involved.

Here's my opinion. If I go to a yoga studio, in Southgate, Michigan of all places, to get some exercise, what's so wrong with that? Isn't it the intent behind the yoga that makes it whatever it can be? What if I go into the yoga studio, and focus my mind on God in whatever it is that you do for yoga, can't that be a good thing?

Anyways. I don't usually post things like this but it's a very interesting discussion topic.

Now, who wants to go do yoga with me?? :)

Random Confession: Number Two

This is one is doozy. It's kind of selfish, this one. Oh well.

Sometimes I'll see something interesting, or cool when I'm with another person, and I don't tell them about it. :/

You don't know how many times I've seen deer at the side of road, or some cool weather related thing, or stars, and I just let it go. I think it's because I like to enjoy those little moments for myself.

In this day and age, we over-share, I think. A lot of the time I do share things on Facebook or I'll send a text, but the other half of the time, I just keep it to myself.

Is this bad? I am the only person that does this?? Sometimes I think yes.

Oh well. :)

Heart smiles.

I was reading the PostSecrets for this week, and this one literally made my heart smile.

I can identify with this post card. I don't know that I've ever honestly, truly doubted God's existence. I should thank my mom at some point for brining me to church as a child. God has been a reality for me as far back as i can remember. I even asked Jesus to "live in my heart" at some VBS event as a child. I imagined there to be an actual room in my heart where Jesus had a bed and couches. I thought he could even see the food as I ate it. Hey, I never told anyone I wasn't weird, ok? :)

My perception of God as an adult is different now, obviously. The Spirit continues to live on in my soul. I'm glad that I'm able to see the little things in this life that make my heart smile. I've had a lot of those moments lately, and it's for no particular reason, I just feel happy. I've felt more myself lately. More comfortable.

I don't know if anyone has noticed it, but I know I have. So I guess that good. Praise God for personal growth :)

Anyways. I know that was completely random, but I basically just wanted to share that PostSecret post card with you all.

Because it made my heart smile.

Random Confession: Number One

I decided to every once in a while post little confessions about myself on here. Nothing horrible. Little random things I do, or say, or see, or think, that most people don't get to see, or hear. These are things that make me, well, me.

Enjoy.

Number One.

I dance, a lot. It usually happens when I'm by myself. In my room, in the shower, in my car.

I don't know why, it just happens.

Maybe I should have been a dancer.

Short and sweet. That is all.

God Bless.

Irony, But Not the Funny Kind.

A week ago, was the first in a series of talks about Fear at my church. The first week really had my thinking a lot during the week. And this week was extremely enlightening as well.

Here is the irony: I do believe I had a panic attack today due to some social anxiety. What causes social anxiety? Fear.

That's just ridiculous.

Long story short, at lunch today, I was having some anxiety issues. About as bad as they get for me. It developed into a panic attack I do believe. I've had a few panic attacks before in my life, the first being driving in a blizzard in Grand Rapids. And the maybe, two others have been work-stress related. This was new for me today.

I'm pretty certain of what made today worse than any other day, but at this point, it's not really something I can avoid. I think I just need to learn to manage it or rather, manage myself a little better. Or speak louder when I feel panicky.

My mom wants me to see a doctor, but they'll just give me pills that'll turn me into a zombie for something that's only happened to me three or four times in my entire life. I don't want this.

And for the record, I'm not telling you all this to draw attention to myself. Given what happened to me today, I'd say that's a pretty ridiculous motive for telling everyone. And anyone who knows me, knows I don't do things for attention. I usually do things to avert attention. I'm not sure the purpose of telling you all this actually. It's a little embarrassing for me to admit I can't handle social situations like a normal person. I guess sometimes I put things here just so someone will hear it.

I still feel a little off, but I will sleep soon and tomorrow is a new day.

Thank God for new days.