In a box.

Anyone else struggle with what is in your head for your reasons or for God's reasons? It's very egocentric for me to think I'm the only one struggling through these things. I know I'm not, but sometimes it certainly feels like it.

I have all these things on my mind that I want and sometimes feel like I need to do. It's difficult distinguishing whether it's me or God that wants these things.

One, my intense, and sometimes mind numbing need to be someplace else. I love my friends, and my church but I still really feel like this isn't where I'm supposed to be. I can't possibly understand what I'm doing here. But that's the kicker. We don't see, we can't see, not until it's all played out and you have that "ah ha" moment where everything makes sense. I haven't had one of those in a LONG time.

Being other places only increases that desire. Chicago was a wonderful, great, amazing experience. I'm glad I spent that time with my friends, and getting to be somewhere else for a change. And I can see myself living there. I really can. Being part of the bustling urban lifestyle, selling my car, and taking the train everywhere. Or my bike, or just walk. I LOVE the idea of that.

My new struggle is living my life full out, fearlessly for God. I feel like I'm just trudging along, not doing much. It's boring, and I'm tired of it. I just don't know how to do life any other way. Which I think is all tied to my need for something new. To throw myself in a situation so new, and uncomfortable that I can do whatever I want because people wouldn't know me any other way. I'm kind of thrown into this box I think. I don't want to be there anymore.

I don't know how to get out of this. I'll figure it out eventually, I guess. Just gotta keep praying and something will happen For better or for worse, something will happen.

I just hope it's for better.