throwing a fit.

last week at this time, i imagined things completely different than they are now. it makes me a little sad.

i've had a difficult couple of weeks. my skill in hiding this is scary. i'm still struggling. surface level it may seem like i'm whining, but it goes past that.

i threw a fit to God this week. i'm telling you all this in a effort to be transparent and without much other outlet, here it is. i am embarrassed and ashamed of it. but me and God are good again. that is the amazing thing about grace. i can act like a complete child and be upset that i don't get my way and God is there waiting with open arms when i decided to stop the tantrum.

i suppose i could honestly say i struggle with finding God's path for me. i really think i'm not on it. if i am on it, then i'm struggling with waiting. waiting, waiting, waiting. i need to meditate on that more. because my life is moving at a much slower speed than the people around me and it's starting to bother me a little bit.

i keep toying with the idea of going back to school. i know i need to do it. i'm just nothing sure for what. my masters? ok, well in what then? maybe my teaching degree? ok then that means the bachelors degree i have now was kinda pointless. and if i go back to school, that means i'm stuck here for a couple more years. something i really don't want. then maybe i could move, then go back to school. but who knows when someone outside of southeast michigan will hire me? and do i want to put off further education that long? and if i'm working full time and going to school when will i ever find time to see my friends, run, meet someone?

although i often wonder how i will ever meet someone. i don't get out like that. and i'm so fed up with the online crap, that seems like dead end too. i know God will bring me someone, but i'm at a loss of how much i have to put into it. do i just sit here and my future special dude will just appear? i don't think that's possible. but then again, with God, all things are possible.

these are the circles i run in my head. fun, eh?

i need to just pray pray pray. God will show me. i just gotta learn to be shown. and accept that what God has for me is what is perfect. and that i don't know what the outcome will be.

and knowing is half the battle.