One more down.

Well, my birthday is over. One more to mark off. I am 24. Exciting? We'll see. Probably not.

I was in a bratty mood all day today. I am starting to feel guilty about it. But my family was mildly irritating me. I suffer from what we like to call "middle child syndrome" MCS. Which basically means when the attention should be on me, all I get is crap. My dad and I got into a bit of an argument earlier today. And I don't even really want to get into what it was about, but it was stupid. Long story short. I was a brat all day, but it was definitely provoked. 

I feel like my parents are pulling me in two different directions. I feel like they want to me be able to be able to be a responsible adult, independent from them. BUT on the other hand, they aren't letting me do that. It's kind of a tough place to be in. I wish I could completely break free of that hold they have on me. My brother did. He did it very well. I wish I had his skills. 

Wow, that was a ramble if I've ever seen one.

Long story short: I did have a good birthday, regardless of the arguments and brattiness (not just on my part). I have awesome friends who I got to spend my evening with. And am excited for tomorrow evening. 

I'm just excited for life. Even though I may not seem that way sometimes, I really am. God really has blessed my life. And I am SOOOOO grateful. Probably not as grateful as I should be, but I'm workin' on it.

Anyways. I'm out. About ready to pass out from exhaustion.

God Bless.

24

I turn 24 in two hours. Since I've turned twenty, I get a little weirded out on my birthday. I'm not sure why. I'm not old. And it's not even getting weirded out because I feel old. I don't feel old at all. Maybe that's the problem. I'm getting older, but I don't feel older. 

I guess that's not so bad. I'm not losing touch with the child/teenager inside of me. I still like dorky things I liked in high school and when I was a kid. Hanson is still my favorite band. You can catch me watching the Disney Channel every once in a while. I still LOVE dinosaurs. I have stuffed animals in my room. Pictures of bands on my walls. 

On the other hand, I feel like I am missing out on a lot of adult things. I finally got my grown-up job. Which I start next week. But other than that, I still feel too young for my age in a bad way. At age 20, I thought I'd be married or engaged by this time in my life. Or at least be in a serious relationship. I am the definition of single at the moment. And it's not that I'm not okay with that, I'm fine with it. BUT at the same time, it's disappointing. I think it'd be fun to go out on dates. I've never really "dated" per say. The people I've gone out with were guys I met through friends. Nothing on my own accord. So I'm not exactly sure how to go about all that. 

Anyways. I am done rambling on about things. My blogs always have a point and then go nowhere. Oops. :)

That's all from me. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.

Currently Listening: Matt Nathanson-Beneath These Fireworks.

(Matt Nathanson is quickly climbing my list of favorite musicians ever)

music and lyrics.

so i was thinking about songs and song lyrics earlier. i've noticed how lately i've become more apt to become emotional when listening to a song. like fighting tears back kind of emotional. which is very strange for me because it takes a lot to make me cry. so i thought, i'd post some lyrics i really enjoy. without the artists of course, as to keep from judging based on that. 

'after all, we're only human; always fighting what we're feeling; hurt instead of healing'

'where has that old friend gone; lost in a february song'

'for they could not love you; but still your love was true; and when no hope was left inside; on that starry, starry night; you took your life as lovers often do' ~song for vincent vangogh

'the broken clock is a comfort; it helps me sleep at night'

'and i will walk on water; and you will catch me if i fall; and i will get lost into your eyes; i know everything will be alright'

'screaming in tongues; at the top of my lungs; 'til i find you, 'til you found me; and somehow i always knew that you would'

'i'm hearing without listening; and hearing every word that you're not saying; speaking without a sound'

'and it's amazing; the look in your eyes like you could save me; but you won't even try'

family.

So. Almost all the people on my dad's side of the family has a Facebook page. And they also just set up a community on Blogger. But I will not post with my blogger account. I feel like I need to keep my blog to myself and my friends. Why can't family be included in that? No idea.

Probably because my aunts, God bless them, will ask me questions. Inquiring minds want to know. And that isn't even bad. They are just interested in my life...I think. Is that so bad? 

Then I realize that it is so much easier to type my thoughts into this blog because I know that not everyone will read them and that even if they do, they won't get commented on. This is comforting to me. I've realized recently that I cannot confide in people. It is so difficult for me to do. Even my friends, even in my unity group (bible study for those of you outside of my realm of friends).

It is impossible for me to keep the topic of conversation on myself for any longer than 2 minutes because I start to feel really uncomfortable. I am beginning to wonder if that is normal. A lot of my friends and people I know can rattle on about themselves for extended periods of time. Which is fine, I'm not saying that's bad. I mean, I do that here, on this blog. But, face-to-face interaction regarding myself is so freaking impossible for me to do. Especially with important stuff. There are and were things that I should be sharing with people, for prayer, but I don't. I keep them to myself. I hate attention, and anything being on me for any reason.

I am not posting this because I want any sort of attention. That is actually the opposite of anything I'd ever want. I just am starting to think that I've stumbled upon a personality flaw. It's the same for when anybody compliments or thinks me capable or whatever. I cannot take it. I'm the only person who seems to think that I am not capable of this job I got. Everyone has said nothing but wonderful things to me and about me in the process and my own self-doubt is shoving it away. So I'm trying to take all the good things people say about me to heart. And am trying to believe them. 

So turns out I'm a weirdo just like everyone else. :)

And that, my friends, is very comforting. Also that God is great, awesome, amazing, all of the above. That is definitely something I can ALWAYS rely on. 

many times.

Many times have I written half a blog and just straight up deleted it. I just did. And now I am starting over with a different approach. (and then immediately deleted it)

Since I can't seem to make any coherent sense, I am going to just leave you all with this verse. 

 Psalm 18: 1-2:

the LORD is my rock, my fortress

and my deliverer;

my God is my rock, in whom I take 

refuge.

He is my shield and the horn of 

my salvation, my stronghold

I must remember this.

Quickly.

I just got home real late from hanging out with boys (weirdos), so I'm going to make this quick because I am super tired and should be sleeping.

I wanted everyone to know that the moon was really pretty tonight. It seems silly for me to post a blog just about how pretty the moon looks, but I wanted to share it with you all. Next time there is a clear sky, and it's cool outside, like now, take a look at the moon when it's late. Very pretty.

It seems like the cold air just dimmed the city lights and the sky looked clearer. Very nice. :)

Anywhoo. I must sleep now. Long day tomorrow, after a long day today. Working at Hallmark on any sort of made up holiday is not my idea of fun. (Sweetest Day was today/yesterday) 

Okay. 'Tis all. G'night.

Nerves.

So, we all know now that I got a job. The actual title being FRP Case Manager. FRP stands for family reunification program.

After the initial excitement wore off (more so from my friends than anyone else *cough* parents *cough*) the nerves started to set in. Now I am more terrified than anything. If I'm being honest here...

I started to realize that the well-being of children and families are semi-going to be in my hands. I will be interacting with families who have been through a lot, which is fine. But then I remembered that people don't always react to me in all the same ways. That makes me a little scared. I am not even entirely sure why. Probably because I have never really had this much responsibility, especially for other people. I need relax, I know, but I never freak out about anything really, so my time has finally come. Well, I wouldn't say I am freaking per say, but I am sure I will eventually. 

I just need to keep reminding myself that God is in ALL control and I shouldn't worry about it. So I am trying that. And everyone else seems to think I am capable, so maybe I should stop listening to myself for once...

Okay. That was it. I need to go find someway to warm up because my dad refuses to warm up our house at all. My nose is cold and my fingernails are turning purple...

The theology of insects.

So I was posed with this question tonight as I lay here in bed with a spider creeping up the wall beside me...does God truly frown upon killing insects?

I know that is so silly. But I could not bring myself to kill it. The spider was crawling on this cork board that I keep my key chain collection on (yes, I collect key chains) so I just removed the whole cork board from my wall and place it gently on the floor, on the other side of the room. There have been other times I've done silly things like this too. This summer there was a carpenter ant just hanging out in my bathroom with me because I could not bring myself to kill it. I do not know where this ant went. One day, he just disappeared. But it made me glad that I did not murder an innocent ant. 

Maybe one day I will be a crazy vegan. 

Anyway. I should go to sleep. I'm listening to mello music and it is making me sleepy. Recommendation: if you are having troubles falling asleep, give Clare de Lune by Debussy a listen. I pass out half way through every single time.

With that, God Bless. 

Currently Listening: Asleep-The Smiths

Currently Reading: Jesus Wants to Save Christians-Rob Bell

Well, I finally got one.

The place I interviewed at yesterday, called me to day and offered me a job. There were three openings and I got my second choice. But it actually sounds pretty good to me. I'll be working as a social worker type individual reunifying families who have had children removed for various reasons. I think it'll be good because I will be helping in the process of reuniting a family and hopefully that is a joyous event. As opposed to taking children away...ya know?

The women who called me today was in the group interview yesterday, but really wasn't the facilitator. She called me today all excited, I guess she was really impressed by me. I wasn't aware that I am impressive in any way, but it seems I am and it worked in my favor yesterday.

Don't get me wrong, I still fully intend on leaving this area. But it will not be soon. I need a winter season away from buckets of snow anyways. 

This is so weird to me. I have a career job. I am a professional. What an adult thing to be. My job has benefits. What is that shenanigans? I am something other than a sales associate. What. The. Crap. Man...I am a little boggled at this idea. Who wouldn't thought I'd ever be an adult...or at least...pretend to be an adult. 

Weird.

Job Interview

I had a job interview today. It was for an adoption type agency. And it was a group interview. 

I think job interviews are a little silly. It seems like people just lie about themselves for the most part as to please who is interviewing them. Just like most of our society, we only hear from other people what they think we want to hear. I am so sick of that. I think job interviews should just be social experiments. A social experiment would tell a lot about a person if they didn't know they were being experimented on. I would be up for that. 

I am trying to implement things in my life to make myself a more positive and more honest person. I don't want to be someone who says things because it is what other people want to hear. That's just stupid. And there is no need for me to be anything but positive about anything. God is in control of my life and He will lead me where I need to go because I trust him. I have faith in that. To be completely honest, I do not know how non-believers function on a daily basis. I cannot go through a day without looking to God for some kind of guidance. I would be a mess without Him. No direction to go. It would be terrible.

I am pretty positive about how my next year is going to pan out. I know that's an ironic thing to say after I was just talking about following God's path. But I feel like I can kind of see where my life is headed and I am SO super stoked for it. 

On that happy note. I have run out of things to say and have decided I am too tired to think anymore :)

God Bless.

Missing.

I miss Grand Rapids. I miss the people, I miss the city, I miss the atmosphere.

I forgot how much I love that place until I went back this weekend for a visit. As soon as I drove into the city, I was hit with how wonderful it really is. The people, the places and the atmosphere is so incredibly different than downriver. It even smells different. 

Cow poop instead of pollution. Lake winds instead of sewer steam. Churches instead of abandoned buildings. Clean instead of dirty. Farms instead of housing developments. Two lane highways instead of four or five lane highways. No posted speed limit instead of 35 mph speed limits. 

All those things and so many more.

I need to get back there. None of my friends here understand why. I don't expect them to. I know they will be upset, but I feel like it's what I need to do. 

Anyways. Time for unity group. 

God bless you all.

Deleted.

I almost deleted this blog. Not just this post, the whole thing. I started to feel guilty about creating one simply because people I know post blogs through here. However, I changed my mind. 

My brother is home from school this weekend. Which is the opposite of perfect timing because I'm going to Grand Rapids tomorrow, where he goes to school. Having him home is a depressing reminder of what it's like to have a life independent from parents. Not that I don't love my parents, I do, life is just better for me when I'm on my own. I am really not sure of what else I could be doing to find a job, but I need to start trying harder. Which I think is impossible, but I am sure there is something more to be done. I need to find a job so I can start living my independent, adult life. I long for it.

On a completely separate note, could anyone recommend a good book or two? I am always looking for more books to read, and the weather is really getting perfect for it. I want some more books lying around. 

Speaking of books. Yesterday I was cleaning out my closet of junk (simplicity is key) and I was struck by the idea of creating an organization that provides free books to families of limited means. I wonder how I could start something like that. Or if a place like already exists...hm. I'll have to check into that. Don't steal my idea people! :-)

Alright-I'm off to bed. I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow.

God Bless.

Something to be said about fall..

This evening I spent my time reading a book, while wrapped in a blanket, enjoying a hot cup of tea.

My mood has improved exponentially since the cooler weather hit and I am very grateful for it. I'm a happier person when I get that first taste of cool, crisp fall air. I feel like the heat and the humidity of summer congest my mind and I can think much more clearly as soon as it is gone. I am definitely more myself during the cooler months. 

I cannot wait for the leaves to start changing. It is just one more thing to remind me of how wonderful God is and that His creation is a masterpiece. I see that all the time but it is just magnified with the vibrate colors that you see during fall. 

Fall is my season. I live for it.