Stop. Rewind. Start over.

Regret is a miserable thing to live with. Regret has been my house guest in some form or another for a while. It has overstayed it's welcome.

"What ifs" kill me. What if I had made this choice, what if I had made that choice? I spent a lot of time before I went to college not following God's path. I didn't really acknowledge asking God before I made decisions. And it's not because I didn't want to, it was more because I didn't know.

I went to Grand Valley because that's where I wanted to go. I didn't apply anywhere else. I changed my degree from nursing to criminal justice because Riverview didn't teach me how to study and the science classes were killing me.

I often wonder where I'd be if I kept with nursing. If I'd be working in a hospital. Helping people become healthy of body, and maybe of soul. Or if I'd gone to a different college, what would have happened. And I know it's bad to think like this. I have to discover God's path for me now, instead of what it could have been had I been more conscious of what he wanted for me 7ish years ago.

I'm still struggling. Inside I know I'm not who I need to be. I have to make some changes as a result. I had pretty much a nervous breakdown last Thursday morning. Something bad happened at work and everything that I've been pushing down inside just starting overflowing out of me. My poor mother had to witness it. I can only pretend things are okay for so long. They just aren't. In my hysterics I said to my mom "Can't I just quit?!" And she told me to go ahead. My dad told me too, that I could quit.

So people, that's what I'm going to do. I am going to blindly quit my job. Take an enormous leap of faith into the unknown. I know God will provide for me.

And for the record, this is a difficult choice for me to make. But in the long run, I would never just give up on something if I saw hope in it. I do not see hope for myself here. Things will not get better. It's better for my spirit to just let it go. Move on. Find my purpose somewhere else.

Everyone experiences a soul searching moment in their life. This is mine. I'm working with a blank slate and hopes of something better. I am just not quite sure what that means yet.

I am fully aware not everyone is going to understand or approve of my decision here. That's okay. I know in my heart what this has done to me. How it feels to be doing what I do, with the personality I have. I can't change my personality, my beliefs to accommodate this job. I am who I am and it's not working. My mind, my body, my soul are exhausted.

After the fact:
I wrote the above part before I officially resigned or told any coworkers. I would like to say everyone has been amazingly supportive. So thanks everyone for that. I'll miss the good things about my job and i Hope I'll be able to find that somewhere else. My official last day is October 29th.

Three more weeks. 14 more work days.

Biggest Loser.

I love this show. It makes me smile to see people who are genuinely ready to change their lives and be healthy.

The whole thing seems very ironic though. The last two weeks it's be on for 2hours. 2 hours in one evening spent watching this show, is 2 hours I've just sat on my bum and done nothing. And it's also strange because I usually end up eating something whilest I watch it. Again, the opposite of what the show is trying to communicate.

I am such a backwards person. In more ways than one, but when it comes to having a healthy lifestyle, I'm about halfway there.

The only way to really be healthy and lose weight, or to maintain a healthy weight is to diet and exercise. That's it. I've never understood how Americans completly ignore that. Oh yeah, we're lazy. We want the quick fix. Well folks, good luck with that.

Between my sophomore and junior years in college I did weight watchers with my mom. It is a diet program, but it teaches you HOW to eat healthy in a realistic way. I lost 30 pounds, and have pretty much kept it off. I'm about 5 pounds more than when I stopped paying for weight watchers, but that's pretty awesome still. But that's the problem I have. I am pretty well set with the exercise part. One a bad week, I work out 2-3 times. Running and sometimes weight training (which I desperately need to get back on track with). For most, that's the hard part. People don't want to exercise. I love it though, I feel so great afterwards.

It's the diet part I have a hard time with. I eat what I shouldn't eat constantly. I snack late at night, I eat out at least two times a week, I don't always pack a lunch, I sometimes skip breakfast only because I don't have time in the morning. I eat far too much candy. I drink too much Starbucks.

I often wonder where I would be if I actually followed a good diet plan. If I stopped eating out, if I stopped eating candy all the time, if I ate a healthy breakfast every morning, if I didn't snack after 8pm at night.

I wonder if I have the will power for that. I think I do. I did Weight Watchers successfully, so there is will power in there. I need to learn how to manage my mom's cooking also. She doesn't cook healthy anymore, I blame the food network and her need to recreate the food from there. It's going to have to be about portion control. And maybe begging her to cook healthy again.

This seems like the most pointless post ever. Just me rambling I guess. It's just a thought that occurred to me last night as I was watching Biggest Loser. Which you should watch. It's pretty inspiring. Just sayin'.

Okay, that's enough of this tangent.

Standards.

I'm a picky person. Most of you know this already. I'm a picky eater, I'm really picky about guys, I expect things to be a certain way, and when they aren't, it's just not ok in my book. Is that bad? Some people think so. I call it standards. But that's just me.

My pickiness comes back to bite me in the bum frequently. I miss out on things sometimes because it's not the way I think it should be. Or I don't take the time to really learn much about it before I make my judgement call. My first impressions and my original judgement calls are usually right though. I have a lot of confidence in that.

It's rare that I'm really surprised or disappointed by anything. My expectations usually pan out and I'm really happy for that. My gut is usually right and I guess that's just God leading me.

There are many people in my life that I've liked from the start. I know from their interactions, or just their lives that they are awesome people. And I must say I have a lot of pretty amazing people in my life. I just need to really take the time to appreciate them more. So hey, amazing people: You are amazing. Truly. I am So grateful for you in my life and I'd like to keep it that way. Ok? Ok.

My job interview went okay yesterday. Everyone neglected to tell me how in the middle of nothing Fremont is. I know myself and I know that Fremont is not a place I should uproot myself to without knowing a single soul there. I would not do very well. It's a beautiful area, do not get me wrong. The leaves are changing and the drive was so beautiful and peaceful and relaxing. It's one of those things that I know in my soul is not for me.

The ride back was a little tough though. I dont' think I've really had that time for my own thoughts in a long time and a lot of things caught up with me. Gotta work through them and make sure I give my brain more Me time as to prevent that from happening again. Self care is really important and I neglect it a lot.

On that note, I leave you with this: If you were a cartoon character which one would you be and why? This was one of my interview questions and I'm just curious :) Another one was: If you could meet any celebrity, past or present, which would you choose and why?

Ok. That's all.

Sh-Sh-Shakin'.

The trees are changing. I love it. Everyone always says that fall is their favorite season. But I really truly believe fall makes me feel different, understand life different. It's odd.

I'm doing a little better than when I last poured my heart out here. I always come to the realization that I can't make people do what they should. I just need to know that I laid the path and it's up to the family if they are going to follow it. Which is strange because that's kind of what God does for us.

This fall, I feel ready. I feel ready for my life to take off. It still seems like I'm living on my life on cruise control. It's time to shake things up a little bit. I'm actually rather proud of myself because I've been taking proactive steps to shake things up. You may not see it, but I've been trying. I guess I'm kind of private about guys and jobs and stuff until I'm absolutely sure about anything.

My job interview is tomorrow. I thought Fremont was a lot closer to Grand Rapids than it actually is. So if they offer the job to me, I'm going to have to think about it really hard. If I want to uproot myself to the boonies. Lots to think about.

That is all. Lots and lots going on in the 'ol brain. And per usual not enough words to say it all..

Here we go again.

I have a job interview on Thursday.

Pray. Pray. Pray.

Urgent.

I don't care what people say. God exists. He does amazing things. He works miracles. Even now. He may not be raising people from the dead or calming storms in a literal sense, but spiritually, He does. He calms my storms. He pulled me out of the grave of my sin. I am a miracle. And so are you.

I may not think I excel at many things. I really don't. I don't always win, and I'm not always the best, but I do know this. I have faith. Faith that no matter how bad things seem at the time, God will always carry me through it.

In the wake of my last blog, I have to give you a little update. And it really seems like the smallest little thing, but for me, it was just exactly what I needed and God knew it.

Yesterday at work, I was talking to some co-workers in another room. I came back to my office to find that I had an urgent voicemail left on my phone. My first response was "Yup, makes sense. What could have possibly gone wrong now?" I listened to the voicemail. It was from a mom I had taken over for when I first started my job here. She's a recovering cocaine user with two kids. Her son Michael was my favorite. I loved that kid. He was hilarious and awesome. And so smart. The mom had so many goals, so many things she wanted to do. But things take time and not everything was accomplished when my time with her was over. I've done both my 6 and 12 month follow-ups for her, and I visited her at her last one. She doesn't need to speak with me or hear from me again after that last follow-up and usually I don't. But she called me yesterday. I called her back, and all she wanted was to say thank you to me. Pretty much a thanks in believing that she could continue to remain sober and believing that she could accomplish everything on her own. She had gotten a house and a car since the last time I spoke with her and her son Michael is going into kindergarten or 1st grade now. I'm not sure which. And she's really active at the school.

That short little 5 minute phone call lifted my spirits SO much. I'm glad she remembers me through all this. Her voicemail said she had been sitting there at her house yesterday morning thinking about me. God put me in her brain. He did that so she could call and make what I do worth it, even if it was just for a short time.

I'm still struggling, don't get me wrong. Everything isn't going to be fixed in a day, but it's a nice little reminder to me that if anything, ONE person was positively effected by having God's light shine through me in their presence.

That is all.

Burden.

I carry a burden that very few could really understand. I am a Christian and a social worker. There is no way around that right now. It's rips my heart to shreds.

I've been working to find something else. Anything else. I'm losing myself to my job and I can't stop it. I used to be relaxed, low key, sweet, caring. I'm losing that Hillary. I don't know if people see that part of me anymore and it is literally killing me. I want her back.

I often wonder how people view me now versus before all this. If I'm actually different or if it's in my head. I don't want to be jaded. I don't want to be negative. I want to be full of joy. Peace. Kindness. I'm not sure if I am. At least, not like I used to be.

I'm writing here because I don't really know another way to explain this all. Without the "Hillary's complaining about her job again" thinking. It goes deeper than that.

The one shining, bright spot of joy in all of this is my daily interactions with God. I've seen God do some amazing things. Basically just protecting me, guiding me, building me up. Giving families a second chance with their lives. I do honestly believe I have nothing to do with it, that I'm just an accessory. These parents made up their minds a while ago if they were going to do what they could to get their kids back and they did it all on their own before I even step into the picture.

I haven't made it a day in the last week without tearing up. Today is no exception. I have to worry about my own well-being, as well as the well-being of four other families, right now at least it's four. It's kind of becoming too much to handle with any semblance of sanity.

I will make it through. I'm not trying to say I won't. But, for right now, things are difficult. I feel stuck.. and sometimes alone. I do KNOW God is right here with me. I do know that. It's what gets me through my days. God pretty much carrying me the whole way.

For now, I will be exhausted, a little depressed, but resilient. Determined to pull myself up and out of this valley. I will find myself again. In the midst of God's glory, I'm sure.

Until then, I'm sorry if I'm crabby, exhausted, boring... I'm trying my best. But sometimes it's just too much. Happy, shiny, joyful Hillary will eventually resurface. She's in there, hiding, only to poke her head out when she knows it's safe.

I'll be okay again.

randoms.

Haven't had much to say lately. The roller coaster of life has me in a dip and I'm just trying to build some momentum to get out.

I've been having a difficult time at work lately. Partially because of my clients refusal to believe I am anything but their slave, which I've gone over before. I react very strongly to that for some reason, it's strange. Lots of other work related things going on, but I don't feel like getting into that.

POSITIVE NOTE: Fall is coming. *insert sigh of relief here* We got a taste of the cool fall air last week and I felt incredible. It's so sad fall is so short. I could live in that cripy, clean air forever. I can't wait to break out my sweaters and nice coats and be all cute. My fall/winter wardrobe is far superior to my spring/summer wardrobe.

The nostalgia that comes along with fall can be bittersweet. All my relationships have begun in the fall. It's a fun time of year. People say everything comes alive in the spring, well, my world comes alive in the fall. Cannot wait for it. I could use an apple orchard date. Just sayin'. :-P

All-in-all. Things are looking up. Why? Fall is coming. I get some vacation. (fingers crossed) Going to Chicago in October to enjoy the city and hopefully see some long lost special people ;) My brother is getting married in a week and a half. Yeah, crazy. I know.

I just hope to one day have something exciting to write about here.

Until then....