Dreams.

I had a bad dream last night. I never usually have bad dreams... but when I do, they shake me to the core. Fortunately, this one I can barely remember, but it's still sticking to my brain.

This is what I remember. I was with my friends, doing what we do... shenanigans. And suddenly one of them lashed out and tried to kill me. I was terrified. The idea of someone I trust, sincerely wanting me dead was a little disheartening... to say the least. At the very least, I only have a vague memory of this dream, so I'm alright, lol.

Dreams are so crazy to me. I don't remember dreams as often as I used to, which makes me a little sad. I used to love waking up and replaying the little episode in my mind the next morning. I also rarely have bad dreams. I've known a few people throughout my life who usually only have nightmares. That's no fun.

I wonder if God still uses dreams the way He used to. Showing people the way while they sleep. And them having faith strong enough to know that was a sign from God showing them what to do. I wonder if I'd be able to distinguish that. Hmm..

If anyone has a technique to remembering dreams, you should tell me. Because I miss it. :) I think, also, if I start remembering my dreams again, I'm going to document them here, because I've had some crazy ones. :-P

That's all of my rambling nonsense, procrastination for now. Pray that my almost murderer doesn't kill me today when I see him, lol.

Just a number.

Britts-Crackers and I were talking earlier about some silly things. And I was suddenly reminded of how old I am. I had a mini-panic attack. haha.

I'm 25 1/2. Eek.

I'm caught somewhere between being terrified of 26, and just not thinking about it. Not thinking about it is not really a defense mechanism.. I really just forget my age. It's really odd, I don't feel like I'm going to be 26 this year. I really don't. I feel more refreshed and alive now than ever. I am really starting to really be myself, and be who I want to be without being afraid of what other people will think of me. I've got myself a pretty darned good group of friends who I know love me for me. I've said that here before, but I really mean it. I heart them. :)

Age really is just a number. I'm not rushed to get things done. I know I may mention it sometimes, but sometimes I think I say it because I feel like I should, or that I'm supposed to. Sure I want to get married, and have a family. But I think, that right now, I'm kind of okay with the way things are. I don't know. I really feel like my brain is wired backwards. I teeter between not caring and being panicked about how old I am and that I'm not quite where other people are at, at my age. As a Christian female, it is kind of the norm to be at least married by now, if not darn near close to starting a family. Honestly, I don't feel like that is just for me yet. Maybe if the opportunity presented itself, I'd feel differently, but right now, I'm not feeling any rush or hurry.

I feel wrong for feeling this way. I don't not want these things, but I've finally gotten to a place where I can feel comfortable with myself the way things are. I'm happy for that.

I know my last few posts have been glass half full silliness, but I really am happy. Joyful even. I hope others can see it. I really do. I want to be that person that just lights up a room with the joy that only God can provide. I feel like that's a pretty good goal to have. :)

I also hope that I can inspire girls to find their worth in other things than whether or not boys like them. Being beautiful to yourself makes you beautiful to other people. I'm really beginning to believe that.

So that's all of my rambling. My thoughts are kind of scattered, but in a good way. Sorry if my writing reflects that. :) Just gunna have to deal with it.


That's all. God bless!!!

In my face.

God has been all up in my face lately. And I so much appreciate it.

People are moved in different ways. A good book, movie, a kind word, etc. I've been realizing lately that music really speaks to me. A lot. I always feel closest to God during praise and worship at church. And I feel like I understand life a little better when it's written in a song. Even if there are no words, I kinda just get it.

I've been working lately at honing my guitar skills. It's a very slow process. I wish I had known all this earlier in life so that I could have really taken advantage of my younger mind. They say it's much harder to learn music/new languages when you get older and I consider music my second language. Even though I'm stumbling through it.

Update wise:
I'm still trying to find my way. My job hasn't been too horrible lately. Getting through the holidays at this job is always difficult, and now two-ish months later, I've finally gotten back into a groove.

I've been working out a lot lately. I'm becoming addicted to it again, like I was when I was at school. It's good times. Even if I do have to work out with those silly boys (who are pretty ok, but I would never tell them that, they already love themselves too much :P).

Still single. Still okay with it. I get into funks every once in a while, but nothing that really kills me. I know God knows what's best for me, and I'm enjoying life right now with no committments, so I know that's how God wants it for now. Just enjoying the possibilities of life, ya know?

I'm going to Germany at the end of April. I am SUPER excited. Going to Europe was on my Bucket List, so I'll be able to cross that off. (I should probably make an actual Bucket List...just as a reference point, and so I can cross things off of it). I'll be in Germany for a week. Take two days off for travel time. We are planning to see castles, go up into the Alps, drive on an Autobaun (eek), eat street pizzas, and I'm currently trying to talk my dad into going to Paris (fingers crossed on that one). The only thing I'm not looking forward to is the plane ride there and back. 8hrs there and 9.5hrs back(flying against the wind). Needless to say, I'm super pumped! :)

That's all. I was just tryin to kill some time at work before our meeting, you know, instead of doing casenotes...don't judge me! :)

I'm out.
God bless :)

Oscars.

Alright, I'm not one to normally comment on pop culture. But I have to admit, I love my award shows, so I decided to make mention of it here. Why the heck not?

1) Christoph Waltz, the Jew Hunter from Inglourious Basterds, is probably one of the most humble celebrities I've seen. I think we can take some notes from him. After he won, I wanted to give him a hug, lol.

2) George Clooney was plastered and it was funny.

3) NPH (Neil Patrick Harris) was hysterical at the beginning of the show.

4) I didn't see Precious, but I wanted Gabourey Sidibe to win best actress b/c she's just adorable.

5) However, I did want Sandra Bullock to win, because I like her and I feel like she deserved it. So yay!

6) I want to be refined like Helen Mirren I'm her age.

7) Miley Cyrus? Really?

8) Robert Downey Jr. is just awesome.

9) And Ryan Reynolds....really...need I say more? :-P

10) Out of the ten nominees, I felt The Hurt Locker and Inglourious Basterds deserved to win Best Picture. Hurt Locker did, so good deal.



Ok. That is all of the just random nonesense. :)

Refocused.

God is huge to me. Well God is huge to everyone, but whether or not they are aware of it, is their deal. And like I've stated here before, I spend some of my time unconsciously fighting Him, like the imperfect, sinning, human being I am. I honestly believe that realizing that first, is a great way to begin your relationship with God.

Today at church, I was given a much needed burst of energy. I had been teetering on the thoughts of how much I needed God and how much i'd been fighting that need lately. I feel like God knows that I need those little reminders, by placing experiences in my life that remind me of how much I need Him and how much I need to live for Him, constantly.

There are sometimes at church where I feel like God wants me to specifically hear what is being said, like it's being spoken directly to me. Today was one of those days. I always get a whole heck of a lot out of the entire service. And I've always been especially tuned into praise and worship, because music always speaks volumes to me, Christian or not. Talks do too, and today was no exception. My pastor was saying something to the effect of "we want Jesus to change our circumstances, not who we are". That struck me. Because I have an enormous tendency to expect my relationship with Jesus to be just that.

That is so completely backwards. I even wrote that in my notes... "That is backwards". I need to refocus my energy to my relationship with God, and leave my earthly relationships alone, because I know that when I'm focused on my Father, everything else falls into place. And I KNOW this. How easily our faulty minds forget. Side bar: when I say relationships, I mean not just with people, but with everything.

It's hard to put into words what I felt today. Like God was speaking right into my ear saying "are you listening Hillary, because you need to hear this". It's really difficult to explain with any kind of eloquence, and I apologize for that.

So hopefully now, after a good kick in the bum from my wonderful Heavenly Father, I can reboot my system with a fresh attitude. Throw my energy at Christ. Because really, He is all I'll ever need and everything else is an undeserved blessing from Him. So thank you God for continuing to remind me of how much I need You and thank you for continuing to give me blessings I so clearly do not deserve.

Amen :)

The fight.

I have always considered myself a lover and not a fighter. I try not to fight or push people in any sort of a way because I do feel it really does not much good in the long run. People just end up hurt or broken.

With that in mind, I was thinking today what it's like when we fight God's will. Christians always say they want God's will in their life, but when it comes down to it, how often to we really go with that flow? I feel I may fight God's will for me more often than I realize.

The past couple of days I've done a lot of thinking about God's will. And how frustrated I get when I pray it for, and find that path, but I'm not happy with it. Find myself saying "Well, God, this isn't what makes me happy right now, so why not give me a little of what I want, and then I'll jump back on the path". That's so stupid. God's will is what He knows is best for me, so why on earth would I want to fight that?

My life overall certainly has not turned out how I've expected it to. This is something I dwell on a lot. And most days is really frustrating and somewhat upsetting, however when I really meditate on it, I'm glad things aren't always what I expect. How boring would life be if we had everything we anticipated we would? So very boring.

I thought by now I'd have it all figured out. I will not lie to you people, I still have no idea what I want out of life and I'm so glad for all the possibilities I have. Call me a late bloomer, but I guess that's just the way God wanted it to be. God knows what He wants from me in my time here on earth, and I suspect it's not time yet for me to really see what that is. For now, I'm on the path. Not to say I won't fall off of it, because I have and I will because I am a human full of sin and I will make mistakes.

But for now, I'm open to whatever life has to throw at me. I'm in love with the idea that my life is so full of possibilities, it's amazing. Recently after I've realized this, I've become open to so many things. Things I would have turned down in the past. Why would I ever limit the short time God has given me on this earth to live? I'm trying really hard to be a spontaneous and joyful person. I like it so far. :)

My point here is this: fighting God's will makes me unhappy. I realized that. And I am SO excited to see the life God has planned for me because I know that as long as I follow His will, I have no limits to the things I can do and accomplish.

So thank you God for always knowing what's best for me even when I don't. And thanks for knowing what is best for everyone else, and my hope is that we will all learn to follow His will in the things that we do.

New way.

Hey kids! Haven't been here in a while. I try not write when I have nothing positive to say... but that's when I want to write the most. I make more sense of things when I write them out.

This year I've made resolutions without making them...if that makes sense. I decided to better my life by doing things I normally wouldn't and trying things I normally wouldn't just let go. So far so good. I'm letting down barriers.

Recently I've been thinking, that this point in my life is the first opportunity I've had to really relax and let the world around me, actually KNOW me.

My family moved here when I was in the second half of 8th grade. Perfect...not. All throughout high school I was experiencing the typical teenage "who am I?" phase. I went away to college to figure that out...which never happened. I was still uncomfortable with myself and it made it difficult to make real connections with people. Also didn't help that I came home for the summers just to leave at about the time the real connections were starting, just to be lost again when I left back to school.

Then I graduated. I got my college degree and moved home. Something I never intended on doing (moving home, that is). I never really liked downriver, and I never made it a secret, in fact, I'm still not too fond of it. But over the past year and a half or so I have been able to settle into a life. A life where I'm involved in church, I have a "good" job, and where I have made real connections, with real friends. I realize now that I have been missing that for some time.

It's been an interesting concept to me that this is the way life is supposed to be lived, especially since I haven't had this kind of experience since I was a kid. And I really enjoy it. I'm content, but I'm not complacent. Deep down inside I don't want to place any roots here, but so far it appears that this is were God wants me to be, so here is where I will remain for now. Even though there is still that little part in the back of brain that is screaming at me to get out. But for now, I will stay, and for the first time I'm not completely unhappy about that.

I am happy. In a society where it is normal for people to not be happy, I am. And for that, I would like to thank God for giving me a brain that doesn't work like everyone else's : ) But seriously, thank you.



Oh, and thank you friends for loving me for who I am.