Sneaking suspicion.

I usually have a pretty good idea when something is right or wrong. I can feel it, in my soul.

It's hard to explain. When I have decisions to make, so life roads to choose, I usually know if it's right simply how I feel about it. It's uncomfortable. And awkward, and usually I just don't want to do it.

I've got that feeling now.

But what do you do if this thing pleases everyone around you? It makes everyone else happy, specifically happy for me. In my heart though, I feel like it's not right.

I know I need to give it to God. Which is what I've done and I still don't feel right about it. And this is when I need to stop being so dense and go with what I feel because God seems to be encouraging that feeling within me.

I know this was really vague and cryptic, but sometimes I don't what to get THAT personal via the internets. :)

That is all. I hope I snap out of the case of the Mondays and have a productive day.

So far, failing.

fighting with myself.

The holy spirit is moving. Swirling around me like a dust storm. Completely overturning everything. In an amazing way.

I've felt completely on fire lately. God is so alive in me, I can hardly stand it. I'm craving more and more. This is the way it was always supposed to be. I've been missing out.

My earthly self is still holding on tight though. I can't shake her loose. I don't suppose I'll ever be able to. The holy spirit comforts my soul in a way I'd never be able to do myself. Yet, I have those earthly things leaking through. Sometimes I don't think I can escape the earthly desires of my heart. But God is so much greater than those things and that's all that matters.

Tonight we sang "Safe" by Phil Wickham. A song we're doing at the youth group per my suggestion. (You're welcome, :D) I was singing and the words had extra meaning to me tonight, because I was dwelling on them for a quite some time even after praise and worship was over. "Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life? Is the very same voice that calls you to rise" That is some compelling stuff. The voice that can raise people from the dead, is the voice we continue to ignore. How is that possible?? How... How can we ignore that? Why would we want to? It's baffling me. To my core, it is baffling me.

I will not ignore it any longer. I'm letting the spirit of God consume my life. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Switch.

I'm writing today because I feel guilty. God is flairing up my conscious... and rightfully so.

I've been struggling at work lately. I struggle with the thoughts that I'm not doing a good job, I struggle with the fact that my best friend in this office could possibly be leaving me, I'm struggling with looking at my clients like Jesus would. That's my biggest issue.

It has become such a struggle to keep the Jesus colored glasses on. I need to look at all my clients and love them, regardless of everything.

And some of little things that set me off are just absurd. For instance, giving a ride on a Sunday. My brain tells me "Sunday. Weekend. Hillary time." Which, given the stress of my job, I need "Hillary time". I need to be able to wind down from my week. I need those two days to just step away from it all. The only two days I'm not in the city of Detroit for most of my day. And let me tell you, being in Detroit for any length of time really effects me. It's sad. It makes my heart hurt.

I almost started crying in frustration earlier. Simply because one of my families needs me to give them a ride on Sunday. And I know they only ask me because they know I won't say no. Which, is extremely...just... I don't know.

I think it's just the complete disregard for considering me as a person. Sometimes I think my clients have a difficult time understanding that I am not a social worker 24/7. Which is odd to me. Because as soon as I am home, I am not a social worker anymore. I'm Hillary. Weird, dorky, pajama loving Hillary.

The guilt comes in when I fly off my hinges. In a fit of anger/frustration/almost crying to one of my co-workers. The co-worker I really, really want to be a good Christian around. But I'm closest to him compared to anyone else, which makes me more comfortable to vent and be frustrated to. It's a very difficult situation. NOT to say I'm not a good Christian around my other co-workers, it's just with him it's different.

I don't know.... I think I just need a vacation. Go up north. Breathe in the unpolluted air, look up at ALL the stars, get away from crazy city drivers, sit on the beach, read a book. Just take it allll in.

Yeah, I need that.

Axis.

My world seems off it's axis lately.

It's good and bad. Bad because I don't feel like myself. Bad because I sorta have a difficult time being around people. Good because it's brought me back to God. I mean, I've always been there, but just not as much as I should have been. Really getting back into the Bible.

Keeping up on my Bible reading has always been a challenge for me. I need to make it a habit. When I read the Word, it's like exercise for my soul. I feel so great afterwards. It's a wonder why it's so difficult for me to sit down and read it to begin with.

So, with my world out of balance, and my nose stuck in the Bible, maybe something will shift. In a good way.

I guess we shall see.

Regardless, with God involved, it'll always turn out good.

The singleton.

Hi, my name is Hillary, I'm in my mid-20's. I'm single and a Christian. (Hi Hillary).

I feel like a fall into a small little group of people within the Christian community. I used to feel weird about it. But I'm here to say, I'm a little proud of it. I like feeling unique, and if this is the way, then this is the way.

This should come as no surprise to me. I've always had a different mindset than people around me. I see the world in my own special way. My parents think I'm naive. That's perfectly fine with me. I don't want to be jaded by the world's expectations of who I should be at this age.

Last night at my unity group, we were talking about the last two chapters of Ephesians. We got to the section where it talks about women obeying their husbands. Which is a hot-topic discussions. Women get huffy and men puff up their chests, and this is because they don't really understand what it's communicating.

Everyone knows about the part where it talks about wives obeying their husbands. But little is mentioned about the husbands responsibilities to their wives. I'm single now, but I'm looking forward to the day when God provides me with a God loving man who will love me and care for me like Jesus did for His church. A man who will give up his life to protect me.

I will wait as long as I have to if that's what is waiting for me somewhere. Trust me.

Hard work.

It's hard work trying to constantly put a positive spin on things. I exhaust myself trying to do so.

As many of you know, I've had a rough past weeks. Mostly work related with a little bit of my personal life thrown in there. I'm still trudging through it. It's getting harder.

I was thinking just now how I think my life is probably like an etch-a-sketch and God has just shaken it up and now He's in the process of drawing a new sketch. That would be great. You all know how ready I am for something new and different. It's just the transition that is kind of a pain.

Once the dust settles, it seems like it'll be all good. So dust: settle quickly. I'm exhausted.

Escape.

I need to start planning some kind of escape route.

The last week or so my need to be someplace else has gotten really bad. I kind of feel like I'm wasting away my life here waiting for something that won't ever come. I don't even know what I'm waiting for.

I look at other people who go boldly into life and take risks and experience everything they can experience and I get a little jealous. I want to be that person. But I'm scared to. I will not lie to you lovely blog people. I am scared. I am scared of life, I am scared to do things alone, I am scared that I will fail. This pretty much applies to every aspect of my life; relationships included. I'm scared of relationships. No wonder I'm single, ha.

I don't want to be scared anymore. Everyone fails, but at least they tried, right?

The secondary part to my problem of being a scared little girl is that I'm not sure how to change any of this. So in my mind, I need to just uproot myself and try someplace else. That's the only solution my mind can come to. I know I threaten to leave so often that most of you probably look at it as an empty threat, which is understandable. It's just extremely terrifying to move myself away from what is familiar to someplace that isn't where I don't know anyone. But people do it all the time, so why can't I?

It's frustrating. To know I need to do something different, but not really know how or what to do. Time to be proactive I suppose. Go find the answer instead of waiting for it to fall in my lap.

Yeah. That'll work.