A wrench in my running wheel.

A wrench has been thrown in my half marathon training. Things were going along swimmingly. I am/was getting a little impatient with how slow time was moving, and just wanted it to get here, so I could do it and go back to my cardio/lifting routine. Anyways. On Friday, I started to have some discomfort in my chest, near my heart. Long story short, I went to the ER on Saturday night, and they ran all sorts of tests; EKG, blood clot, chest xrays, thyroids, etc. Nothing showed up except a slight palpitation, but nothing that concerned the doctor. The resident told me it was ok to run, but the other doctor who I saw said to take it easy. Which is hard to do with like barely three weeks left before the race. Even now, almost a week after it started, I'm still feeling the pressure. It makes me nervous. I don't know what I should do about this race. I'll have wasted a lot of money after registering and not doing it. And also be super disappointed that I put in all that work, and told SO many people I was doing it, just to not. However, I don't want to risk my well-being by pushing myself to do something I shouldn't, even though the doctors said all my tests came out fine. I just don't like not knowing what is going on. And I've never had any real health problems. The only major things was a slight case of mono my freshmen year of high school and my horrible nose bleeds as a child. So I'm not quite sure how to cope with all this. The doctors also mentioned to me that it's probably anxiety. Which I've known for a while now is something I have. I just wasn't aware chest pains or whatever could last thing long with anxiety. I always thought it was something that was over within 20 minutes or so. The anxiety is another battle I'm clearly losing, that's another thing I have to get taken care of. Ugh. So basically I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I'd just go to the doctor until somebody figured something out to make it stop, but I don't have insurance right now therefore making all this very expensive :/ Just please pray that I figure this out soon or that it'll just go away. And that I can convince myself that not racing won't be a blow to my credibility and that my health is more important than a stupid race. Le Sigh.

Too much noise.

I have a paper journal that I write in occasionally. I've neglected it more in the last year than I ever have and it makes me a little sad. I need to write more in it because when it comes down to it, everything on the internet seems so temporary. As long as a fire doesn't take my house, or some person steals my journals, I will always have them.

I wrote in it briefly the other night, since I realized that I have neglected it, and subsequently it made me sad. Anyways, after I wrote my blurb, I went back and read some of my entries from when I was still at school. Trust, it goes back that far, it's a big journal, and like I said I haven't been writing in it a whole lot.

This is the conclusion I came to: I was out of control introspective in college. It could be the combination of two things. First, I was in college so obviously I thought I was a deep thinker, intellectual. This may be true, but I've always kind of been that way. Second, I had the time to be like that. And it's that idea right there that is bothering me. I allowed myself the time to sit and think. I don't get that time anymore, it feels like. I walked nearly everywhere, I didn't have texting, I would daydream a lot in classes, etc. I don't even day dream like I used to.Though, this has allowed me to be a more social person, I miss all that about myself. Getting lost in thought is one of my favorite past times, and I've lost that a little. I hope to gain it back. I really do.

The world is too loud. Everyone always has to be filling some desire to make themselves happy. When was the last time you just sat to yourself? Just you and God? I'm embarrassed to say I don't do this as often as I used to, or as often as I would like to.

Our world is dying from the noise. I'm convinced. All the noise of social media, selfish wants, all the horrible ways people get them, how they grew up, what others tell them. The list goes on and on. Ourselves don't get much further than our own skin. Anything beneath that is too real and anything outside of that will force you to think of others first and in our society, it's not very popular.

Subconsciously, I think I realized I was needing to leave all the noise. I need to be more aware of myself and more aware of others. I've been really careful of who I've been around lately. I've been drawn to others I know acknowledge their own growth and the things I may be going through, even without telling them.

I'm grateful for those people. I really, really am.

It's time to get out of the noise. Look past your own skin. Forward and backwards. You'd be amazed at what you find.