throwing a fit.

last week at this time, i imagined things completely different than they are now. it makes me a little sad.

i've had a difficult couple of weeks. my skill in hiding this is scary. i'm still struggling. surface level it may seem like i'm whining, but it goes past that.

i threw a fit to God this week. i'm telling you all this in a effort to be transparent and without much other outlet, here it is. i am embarrassed and ashamed of it. but me and God are good again. that is the amazing thing about grace. i can act like a complete child and be upset that i don't get my way and God is there waiting with open arms when i decided to stop the tantrum.

i suppose i could honestly say i struggle with finding God's path for me. i really think i'm not on it. if i am on it, then i'm struggling with waiting. waiting, waiting, waiting. i need to meditate on that more. because my life is moving at a much slower speed than the people around me and it's starting to bother me a little bit.

i keep toying with the idea of going back to school. i know i need to do it. i'm just nothing sure for what. my masters? ok, well in what then? maybe my teaching degree? ok then that means the bachelors degree i have now was kinda pointless. and if i go back to school, that means i'm stuck here for a couple more years. something i really don't want. then maybe i could move, then go back to school. but who knows when someone outside of southeast michigan will hire me? and do i want to put off further education that long? and if i'm working full time and going to school when will i ever find time to see my friends, run, meet someone?

although i often wonder how i will ever meet someone. i don't get out like that. and i'm so fed up with the online crap, that seems like dead end too. i know God will bring me someone, but i'm at a loss of how much i have to put into it. do i just sit here and my future special dude will just appear? i don't think that's possible. but then again, with God, all things are possible.

these are the circles i run in my head. fun, eh?

i need to just pray pray pray. God will show me. i just gotta learn to be shown. and accept that what God has for me is what is perfect. and that i don't know what the outcome will be.

and knowing is half the battle.

Random Confession #4

I will drive out of my way for Snapple Peach Iced Tea.

It's true.

Thankfully I work near a gas station that sells them, but it's rare. I know two places that sell it. Meijer gas station, and the BP Station on Allen Road near Northline. Oh and the gas station by Mr. Quick's movie theatre.

It's so goooood. Reminds me of my younger years, (haha).

They are also a good learning tool, since there is a random fact on the inside of the bottle cap. The one I have today is: President William McKinley had a pet parrot that he named "Washington Post". I get to learn and have a delicious beverage as well.

That's all.
God Bless :)

In a box.

Anyone else struggle with what is in your head for your reasons or for God's reasons? It's very egocentric for me to think I'm the only one struggling through these things. I know I'm not, but sometimes it certainly feels like it.

I have all these things on my mind that I want and sometimes feel like I need to do. It's difficult distinguishing whether it's me or God that wants these things.

One, my intense, and sometimes mind numbing need to be someplace else. I love my friends, and my church but I still really feel like this isn't where I'm supposed to be. I can't possibly understand what I'm doing here. But that's the kicker. We don't see, we can't see, not until it's all played out and you have that "ah ha" moment where everything makes sense. I haven't had one of those in a LONG time.

Being other places only increases that desire. Chicago was a wonderful, great, amazing experience. I'm glad I spent that time with my friends, and getting to be somewhere else for a change. And I can see myself living there. I really can. Being part of the bustling urban lifestyle, selling my car, and taking the train everywhere. Or my bike, or just walk. I LOVE the idea of that.

My new struggle is living my life full out, fearlessly for God. I feel like I'm just trudging along, not doing much. It's boring, and I'm tired of it. I just don't know how to do life any other way. Which I think is all tied to my need for something new. To throw myself in a situation so new, and uncomfortable that I can do whatever I want because people wouldn't know me any other way. I'm kind of thrown into this box I think. I don't want to be there anymore.

I don't know how to get out of this. I'll figure it out eventually, I guess. Just gotta keep praying and something will happen For better or for worse, something will happen.

I just hope it's for better.

Ideas.

First off: Adam and Dave always have awesome pictures to go with their posts, so I'm steal that idea :D

Occasionally I am inspired by ideas, that never play out, but I think that are amazing. They are rare, I assure you. And more often than not, they are collaborated.

Here are two:
(1) Me and Brittney have an idea for an awesomely amazing cafe. That given the right location, would be a complete hit. We are brilliant, but we are also poor, haha. But I think the combination of baked goods, sandwiches, coffee, and live music would be great. Just sayin'.

(2) I have a great idea for a book too. I don't really want to give the specifics, but I'm seriously tempted to write an outline for it. I'm overly observant and this has given me some insight that centrally-minded people don't usually see. I don't know, I'm tempted. We'll see where that goes.

That's all. : )

Heavy.

Saturday night I was feeling really down on myself. It happens sometimes, as I'm sure it does to everyone else. I was wondering to myself, why is everyone so afraid of change, when it's the one thing I want most right now? Didn't make sense to me.

Then I went to church on Sunday.

You ever have those church services where God is speaking directly to your heart? Where you feel like maybe the message being delivered is specifically for you, and it didn't matter who else was in the room? Yeah, that was me Sunday.

I've had this happen to me before, but not as significantly as it did Sunday. Waiting on the Lord. I've heard this before, and I thought I was doing this, but it appears as if I was failing. Failing miserably. It's as if through Dave's words God was saying "Take a breath, Hillary". It was nice to hear.

It's been a struggle since then, but I'm managing thanks to that little boost I needed to hear.

This idea is heavy on my heart, and I need to work through it. And God knows that. That's why I heard it when and in the way I did.

So thanks God for perfect timing, as it will always be. Thanks Dave for speaking the words. And thanks to everyone who puts up with my whining... *cough*Brittney*cough*

Now I just have to figure out what I should do while I'm waiting on the Lord. Hmm..

Fast.

My week this week has gone surprisingly fast. Which is not typical considering I have so many things to look forward to these next couple of months.

The program I was hired to run finally starts next week. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I have a feeling the kids I will be working with aren't always going to love being around me. As in, they are high need, emotionally. But I hope to create a fun environment for them to be in, therefore allowing me to reach them somehow. My hours are going to be a little screwy also, so I'll have to get used to that.

Since my program is starting next week, it seems time will probably move even faster through this month and next. Which, will be nice since I have fun things to look forward to.

I don't like when time moves slow. I don't like it when it moves fast either. Slow means I have to wait for things, fast means I feel like my short time on this earth is slipping away and what the heck am I doing with myself?

My brain is exhausting.

Maybe I should just chill out and take what is thrown my way in whatever time it takes. Yeah, that sounds good.

Aches and pains.

So far so good with the running.

I did my first "long" run on Saturday and was able to do 3 miles. I was pretty impressed with myself seeing as I haven't ran a normal pace since probably December. I ran at about an 11 min. mile pace. Which is good for me and I'm completely happy with that pace. Everything I've said that when training for a marathon, pick a pace and stick to it. So hello 11 min/mile. We're friends now.

On Saturday I did have some annoying, uncomfortableness in my hips. It didn't really hurt, really, it was just uncomfortable. It was suggested it was a hip flexor problem so I just took it easy for two days and I ran yesterday and it was fine.

My run yesterday went well also. I did 2.5 miles, as a mid-week easy run. This time my shins were hurting, BUT I suppose it's just "growing pains" if you will. I stretched and did some weight training for my legs, so hopefully I can continue to build some strength in my legs so that doesn't continue to be a problem. Shins splints are so obnoxious.

I'm doing a 5K on March 20th, to get in the zone for running outside and in races. Next step is a 10K, but I have to find one. I would really like to run the half marathon in Nashville at the end of April, as was previously suggested, because I love Nashville, but I don't think I'll be ready in time.

Well that was my marathon/running update for today :)