Random Confession: Number Two

This is one is doozy. It's kind of selfish, this one. Oh well.

Sometimes I'll see something interesting, or cool when I'm with another person, and I don't tell them about it. :/

You don't know how many times I've seen deer at the side of road, or some cool weather related thing, or stars, and I just let it go. I think it's because I like to enjoy those little moments for myself.

In this day and age, we over-share, I think. A lot of the time I do share things on Facebook or I'll send a text, but the other half of the time, I just keep it to myself.

Is this bad? I am the only person that does this?? Sometimes I think yes.

Oh well. :)

Heart smiles.

I was reading the PostSecrets for this week, and this one literally made my heart smile.

I can identify with this post card. I don't know that I've ever honestly, truly doubted God's existence. I should thank my mom at some point for brining me to church as a child. God has been a reality for me as far back as i can remember. I even asked Jesus to "live in my heart" at some VBS event as a child. I imagined there to be an actual room in my heart where Jesus had a bed and couches. I thought he could even see the food as I ate it. Hey, I never told anyone I wasn't weird, ok? :)

My perception of God as an adult is different now, obviously. The Spirit continues to live on in my soul. I'm glad that I'm able to see the little things in this life that make my heart smile. I've had a lot of those moments lately, and it's for no particular reason, I just feel happy. I've felt more myself lately. More comfortable.

I don't know if anyone has noticed it, but I know I have. So I guess that good. Praise God for personal growth :)

Anyways. I know that was completely random, but I basically just wanted to share that PostSecret post card with you all.

Because it made my heart smile.

Random Confession: Number One

I decided to every once in a while post little confessions about myself on here. Nothing horrible. Little random things I do, or say, or see, or think, that most people don't get to see, or hear. These are things that make me, well, me.

Enjoy.

Number One.

I dance, a lot. It usually happens when I'm by myself. In my room, in the shower, in my car.

I don't know why, it just happens.

Maybe I should have been a dancer.

Short and sweet. That is all.

God Bless.

Irony, But Not the Funny Kind.

A week ago, was the first in a series of talks about Fear at my church. The first week really had my thinking a lot during the week. And this week was extremely enlightening as well.

Here is the irony: I do believe I had a panic attack today due to some social anxiety. What causes social anxiety? Fear.

That's just ridiculous.

Long story short, at lunch today, I was having some anxiety issues. About as bad as they get for me. It developed into a panic attack I do believe. I've had a few panic attacks before in my life, the first being driving in a blizzard in Grand Rapids. And the maybe, two others have been work-stress related. This was new for me today.

I'm pretty certain of what made today worse than any other day, but at this point, it's not really something I can avoid. I think I just need to learn to manage it or rather, manage myself a little better. Or speak louder when I feel panicky.

My mom wants me to see a doctor, but they'll just give me pills that'll turn me into a zombie for something that's only happened to me three or four times in my entire life. I don't want this.

And for the record, I'm not telling you all this to draw attention to myself. Given what happened to me today, I'd say that's a pretty ridiculous motive for telling everyone. And anyone who knows me, knows I don't do things for attention. I usually do things to avert attention. I'm not sure the purpose of telling you all this actually. It's a little embarrassing for me to admit I can't handle social situations like a normal person. I guess sometimes I put things here just so someone will hear it.

I still feel a little off, but I will sleep soon and tomorrow is a new day.

Thank God for new days.

Dear Heart.

There is this song by Sanctus Real that I've really identified with lately.

"Dear Heart, do you belong to me, or do I belong to you? Just look at all the trouble you drag me into. I've heard it said to follow your heart, But I'm starting to wonder if it's gone too far."

I let my heart and my head overtake God sometimes. And sometimes it feels like I can't control it. I know I can though, I wonder if it's easier for me to wallow in what my heart wants, than to really let God take control.

I've been kind of frustrated the past couple of days. I need to calm myself and remember God is in control. Not me. I need to be grateful for that. I am grateful for that, I just show it poorly sometimes.

Christmas and New Years tend to be a bit lonely for me. So I'll snap out of it in a week or so, but still, for right now, I'll mope around. In my head mostly. I don't want people thinking I'm pathetic.

I just need to remind myself that my heart belongs to God.
Not me to it, or it to me. To God.

Philippians

Philippians is blowing my mind right now.

For a few days, it had been on my heart to read Philippians; so last night, I finally listened to God and read it (I'm so slow sometimes, thank you God for being patient with me). It boggled my brain, in a good way.

I read some more of it this morning and I'm going to read it again right now.

If you really read it, I mean READ it, it'll really challenge you. And I tried reading it with the enthusiasm in which it was written (God bless you Paul) and that made it a million times better.

I don't know what the point of this post is except to say that Philippians is really speaking to me right now. I've read it before, but gotta love how the Bible meets you where you are.

Anyhow. That is all.

Go read.

Never, ever again.

I never want to hear the words "Your brother was in a bad car accident" ever, ever again.

Turns out it was bad for his Jeep, and the passenger of the car he hit, but not him. He's sore, but that's all. Fortunately, it was not his fault. A man driving a jeep pulling a trailer turned left in front of him, probably without looking, and Patrick tried, but it was too icy and slushy for him to stop. Patrick t-boned the other car. The passenger was hurt, but the driver and my brother are okay. Well except Patrick's glasses, which suffered death by airbag.

My immediate instinct was to pray. We didn't know all these details when Patrick called my mom. It was unnerving.

Praise God it wasn't worse. I'm still praying for the passenger of the other car. They took him away to the hospital. So hopefully everything there turns out okay as well.

That's all. I just wanted to express my desire to never, ever, ever hear those words again.