The fight.

I have always considered myself a lover and not a fighter. I try not to fight or push people in any sort of a way because I do feel it really does not much good in the long run. People just end up hurt or broken.

With that in mind, I was thinking today what it's like when we fight God's will. Christians always say they want God's will in their life, but when it comes down to it, how often to we really go with that flow? I feel I may fight God's will for me more often than I realize.

The past couple of days I've done a lot of thinking about God's will. And how frustrated I get when I pray it for, and find that path, but I'm not happy with it. Find myself saying "Well, God, this isn't what makes me happy right now, so why not give me a little of what I want, and then I'll jump back on the path". That's so stupid. God's will is what He knows is best for me, so why on earth would I want to fight that?

My life overall certainly has not turned out how I've expected it to. This is something I dwell on a lot. And most days is really frustrating and somewhat upsetting, however when I really meditate on it, I'm glad things aren't always what I expect. How boring would life be if we had everything we anticipated we would? So very boring.

I thought by now I'd have it all figured out. I will not lie to you people, I still have no idea what I want out of life and I'm so glad for all the possibilities I have. Call me a late bloomer, but I guess that's just the way God wanted it to be. God knows what He wants from me in my time here on earth, and I suspect it's not time yet for me to really see what that is. For now, I'm on the path. Not to say I won't fall off of it, because I have and I will because I am a human full of sin and I will make mistakes.

But for now, I'm open to whatever life has to throw at me. I'm in love with the idea that my life is so full of possibilities, it's amazing. Recently after I've realized this, I've become open to so many things. Things I would have turned down in the past. Why would I ever limit the short time God has given me on this earth to live? I'm trying really hard to be a spontaneous and joyful person. I like it so far. :)

My point here is this: fighting God's will makes me unhappy. I realized that. And I am SO excited to see the life God has planned for me because I know that as long as I follow His will, I have no limits to the things I can do and accomplish.

So thank you God for always knowing what's best for me even when I don't. And thanks for knowing what is best for everyone else, and my hope is that we will all learn to follow His will in the things that we do.

New way.

Hey kids! Haven't been here in a while. I try not write when I have nothing positive to say... but that's when I want to write the most. I make more sense of things when I write them out.

This year I've made resolutions without making them...if that makes sense. I decided to better my life by doing things I normally wouldn't and trying things I normally wouldn't just let go. So far so good. I'm letting down barriers.

Recently I've been thinking, that this point in my life is the first opportunity I've had to really relax and let the world around me, actually KNOW me.

My family moved here when I was in the second half of 8th grade. Perfect...not. All throughout high school I was experiencing the typical teenage "who am I?" phase. I went away to college to figure that out...which never happened. I was still uncomfortable with myself and it made it difficult to make real connections with people. Also didn't help that I came home for the summers just to leave at about the time the real connections were starting, just to be lost again when I left back to school.

Then I graduated. I got my college degree and moved home. Something I never intended on doing (moving home, that is). I never really liked downriver, and I never made it a secret, in fact, I'm still not too fond of it. But over the past year and a half or so I have been able to settle into a life. A life where I'm involved in church, I have a "good" job, and where I have made real connections, with real friends. I realize now that I have been missing that for some time.

It's been an interesting concept to me that this is the way life is supposed to be lived, especially since I haven't had this kind of experience since I was a kid. And I really enjoy it. I'm content, but I'm not complacent. Deep down inside I don't want to place any roots here, but so far it appears that this is were God wants me to be, so here is where I will remain for now. Even though there is still that little part in the back of brain that is screaming at me to get out. But for now, I will stay, and for the first time I'm not completely unhappy about that.

I am happy. In a society where it is normal for people to not be happy, I am. And for that, I would like to thank God for giving me a brain that doesn't work like everyone else's : ) But seriously, thank you.



Oh, and thank you friends for loving me for who I am.

Clarity.

Through the chaos there is clarity.

Things have become very clear to me in the last couple of days. It's really odd. Don't get me wrong, I definitely love it and I absolutely still have a lot of uncertainties, but nothing seems so bad.

I can honestly say, I'm really happy right now. And I can't even tell you exactly why. Maybe it's because I've finally let God have some control over my life. Let Him lead the way instead of me thinking that I know how things SHOULD be. Which is definitely wrong.

And I can't even tell you what exactly it is that I'm clear about. Because I don't know, things just seem right...who knows what that means for me in the coming months, but I guess we shall see. I guess I'm going to stop expecting things out of life and just go where God tells me to. And stay away from things that I know don't feel right...because that's God flicking me in the brain. And I'm glad I've recognized that. When I have an unsettled feeling, I think I can usually say that is God speaking straight to me.


I just really hope that this feeling lasts. But now that I found it, I can just keep chasing it.

No change.

I think I was wrong about my life being different in the next month.

It's okay though.

My birthday is this month. It's the first time I'm not really looking forward to it. I'm turning 25 and I feel like I haven't done anything with my life. Which I know is my own fault, but I don't really know what else I could be doing. I'm stuck in this young adult-adult period in my life. Your 20's are so confusing!!

And most of the time I feel like I'm living each day just wanting it to be over, and that is so wrong. I want to live life so that I'm sad each day is over and that I'm so looking forward to what the next day has to offer. It's not really running like that right now.

But I guess recognizing that is the first step to fixing it.

That's what I'll be working on...my life project.

However, GOD remains has awesome as ever. I honestly don't know how people go through life without seeking His guidance and strength. Because I know for certain I could not make it through this life without God's strength. There is no way. For that, I am grateful to have God to lean on.

So very grateful.

Change.

It weirds me out that my life a month from now could be so much different than it is now.

Or it could be exactly the same.

I guess I will eventually find out, won't I?

Question.

Do you think Adam and Eve are in Heaven??

That thought occurred to me this morning.

Now I'm curious.

The pen meets the paper.

I don't know how much I'm going to post on here anymore. I don't like going back and reading my previous posts on blogger. I don't feel like that the way I represent myself on here is really who I am.

Sometimes I read old journal entries I've written in actual journals. They are much more organic. A much better representation of who I am as a person. Which is probably directly related to the fact that no one, except for myself of course, reads them. I wish that person would come out here, I like her a lot better.

The person here just whines about life and that things aren't going the way I think they should go. Which is completely stupid because nothing will ever go my way. It will always go God's way. Then why, oh why do I just complain on here. That's not typically who I am. I definitely have my weak moments in life where I cry out "why not me???" to one of my poor friends (usually Britt, bless her). But deep down in my being I know everything will come in God's time, not my time.


So I really think I'm going to attempt to stick to writing in my paper journal. None of this online shenanigans.

And personally, I love the way it feels to write with pen and paper. Typing just doesn't have that appeal.