Joy Full

I want to tell you about someone I know. Her name is Hazel Chivers, she's close to 90 years old.

I've known Hazel for as long as I can remember. My mom met her at church not when my sister was really young (I think). Which means I've known Hazel literally all my life.

Hazel is sassy, and beautiful, and so full of joy. When she talks, all I can hear is love and Jesus. I know a little about her life, but I'm sure it wasn't an easy one. She was married three different times, I think. Not because she got sick of those men and traded them in for a better model. No, they all passed for various reasons. I knew her last husband. He was also a wonderful man.

I wish I could carry Hazel around in my pocket. I know, it sounds weird. She is so full of encouragement. When I talk to her, her first words are always, "How are you pretty girl? Are you still as beautiful as ever?" Or "Do you still have that beautiful hair of yours?" "Are there any men in your life? No? Well one day you'll find a man who will take care of you the way you deserve." That's usually coupled with a don't settle for less than you deserve kind of statement. She also always encourages me to continue working with people less fortunate, through my job. "I know it's hard honey, but those kids need someone to love them".

To be honest, I usually have a hard time taking in this kind of encouragement because for some reason, it always sounds forced to me. Hazel is different. She means it. From the bottom of her heart, I know she means it.

I want to be like this. When I talk to people, all I want them to hear is the love of Christ. And I can be honest with myself. I know I'm not always the best at being this way. I get upset and cranky sometimes. Everyone does. We just need to learn to deal with it better.

My fear in reaching this goal is that I'll start to sound fake. I've seen the fake. I've heard the fake. I don't want to come across that way.

My soul desires a gentle, joyful spirit.  I just need to look to Christ more and more and more. I know I can get there.




The prospect of the righteous is joy, but the hopes of the wicked come to nothing. - Proverbs 10:28

Done.

So guys.

I did it.

I completed 13.1 miles of running in the Detroit Half Marathon. And I would be lying to you if I said I wasn't so completely happy and proud.

I've never been much of a competitor. And even still, I completed the half marathon in 2:45:11. That's not a very "competitive" time, it's about a 12 min/mile. I'm perfectly happy with this.

My goodness. I am so tired. My day started at 4:45am, after not much sleep. I was in a wedding yesterday and I got home late and was all hyped up, so I had to calm myself quite a bit before I could fall asleep. Even then, my heart was pounding while I was lying in bed. I got myself so worked up.

I was very nervous before the start of the race. I tried to focus on the positive energy of the people around me, which as helpful. Being around all those people who are trying to accomplish the same thing you are is really exciting. The mood of the event was great overall.

As a part of the half and full marathon you run across the Ambassador Bridge over to Windsor, and you come back through the tunnel to get back into the city. The bridge was really cool. It was fun to run over the river and get to see all the good views. The incline onto the bridge was pretty intense but I set myself a good pace and took my time. The tunnel, on the other hand, was rather miserable. My feet and legs were getting tired at that point, and the air in the tunnel was so hot and stale. I have to say that was my least favorite part of the run.

Around mile 10, I got a good burst of energy. I think it was the group handing out the M&Ms to all the runners :) The last 3 miles were really awesome. I felt great and happy and a rush has I got closer to the finish line.

AH! I can't believe this is actually done. I'm SO happy I've done this. Not many people I know have. I just feel a real sense of accomplishment and pride that I've actually set out to do something and completed it, so easily. I don't feel like this very often. And I kinda like it :)

Now, bring on next year!!!

To the ladies: On being single and Christian.

I written blogs like this previously. But God has laid it on my heart, so I'm thinking this is where it needs to come out.

I'm a Christian. I'm almost 27 (EEK). I am single. Not kinda single, but straight up, in your face, single.

I have to be honest here. I've had a few moments of self pity. Moments where I wanted nothing more than to be with someone. To have that companionship. But if I'm being REALLY honest with myself and you people, that rarely happens.

For a while there, I thought I HAD to be in a moment of singledom panic. Because that's what we're supposed to do, right? The "I'm fast approaching 30, no end in sight, what am I DOING with my life??!" kind of panic.

I'm not panicking though.

Girls, we're fed this lie. This horrible, defeating lie. This lie that we don't have anything until we have a man. What is this horrible thing and where did it start? This idea has destroyed so much of who we are and what we are capable of doing as single ladies, that it breaks my heart. The goal, it seems, is to keep on constant watch and wait for the next man in our lives. What IS this?

It's a waste. That's what it is. A waste of time, a waste of energy, a waste of the precious gift of life God has given us. We're meant to live. To be free.

And please. Have standards. Don't lower what you want to fit what you can get. I won't lower my standards to fill some stupid hole that society tells me I should have.

Ladies, be single. Own it. Don't let that define your life. Don't let it bring you down. You can experience so much life. So much life that you're missing.  One day you'll look back and think to yourself, "I'm glad I had that time to figure out who I am as an individual". Let God be your companion. He will comfort and hold you in a way that a boy never could. God will carry your burdens, your hardships.

Sorry for the muddled rant. Like I said, God has had this on my heart for a while now. And I needed to get it out. It bothers me to see girls hurting because they feel like that have no worth as a single woman.

I'm telling you now. You have SO much worth. SO much. You just have to find in yourself.

Bubbles.

We all live in bubbles.

You didn't know?

I have given this a lot of thought over time. I have my own bubble. My own existence. My thoughts and my heart and my knowledge and my beliefs are all in this bubble. Now, people are included partially in this bubble. Some more than others. And those people all have their bubbles, that I'm also a part of. I'm pretty cautious with my bubble. Too scared that someone is going to take what is inside it and use it for their own good, or to hurt me. Others have an open door bubble. Awesomely transparent. Personally, I can't live with my bubble this way. I want to keep some of it to myself. Save it for someone who is going to take it and love me for it, regardless. God lives in and out of my bubble. All at the same time. Because it's God, and He's more great than I can ever try to put into words.

When you're around people, your bubbles co-exist. And this is what has always gotten me. When I leave you, my bubble goes on, and so does yours. Existing entirely outside of each other, but always aware that you are out there somewhere. For example, after I leave a friend, I go home, or go wherever, 100% aware of myself and my actions and what I'm doing. But that other person is doing the same exact thing outside your awareness and bubble. It's so strange to me. Like I can think of any of my friends at this given moment and picture where they are or what they are doing with absolutely no certainty if that is at all correct. Or my friends could think of me or picture me in my current state, without any certainty if they are correct. But in your or my own mind's eye, that is reality. When it's not.

Then there are these other bubbles floating around with you that you have no connection to, whatsoever. Bubbles with their own thoughts, beliefs, etc. I could be sitting next to someone at a red light, and they exist in their own world, their own bubble, completely separate and unrelated to me. Yet for that brief second, we find our bubbles co-existing. In one small moment.

Are you following? Probably not. I wonder if there is a philosophical science or name to anything I'm talking about right now. Most likely. Anyways. I had this conversation with someone last week and discovered I'm not the only one who thinks about these things. Kinda comforting knowing you're not the only crazy person around.

God Bless

A wrench in my running wheel.

A wrench has been thrown in my half marathon training. Things were going along swimmingly. I am/was getting a little impatient with how slow time was moving, and just wanted it to get here, so I could do it and go back to my cardio/lifting routine. Anyways. On Friday, I started to have some discomfort in my chest, near my heart. Long story short, I went to the ER on Saturday night, and they ran all sorts of tests; EKG, blood clot, chest xrays, thyroids, etc. Nothing showed up except a slight palpitation, but nothing that concerned the doctor. The resident told me it was ok to run, but the other doctor who I saw said to take it easy. Which is hard to do with like barely three weeks left before the race. Even now, almost a week after it started, I'm still feeling the pressure. It makes me nervous. I don't know what I should do about this race. I'll have wasted a lot of money after registering and not doing it. And also be super disappointed that I put in all that work, and told SO many people I was doing it, just to not. However, I don't want to risk my well-being by pushing myself to do something I shouldn't, even though the doctors said all my tests came out fine. I just don't like not knowing what is going on. And I've never had any real health problems. The only major things was a slight case of mono my freshmen year of high school and my horrible nose bleeds as a child. So I'm not quite sure how to cope with all this. The doctors also mentioned to me that it's probably anxiety. Which I've known for a while now is something I have. I just wasn't aware chest pains or whatever could last thing long with anxiety. I always thought it was something that was over within 20 minutes or so. The anxiety is another battle I'm clearly losing, that's another thing I have to get taken care of. Ugh. So basically I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I'd just go to the doctor until somebody figured something out to make it stop, but I don't have insurance right now therefore making all this very expensive :/ Just please pray that I figure this out soon or that it'll just go away. And that I can convince myself that not racing won't be a blow to my credibility and that my health is more important than a stupid race. Le Sigh.

Too much noise.

I have a paper journal that I write in occasionally. I've neglected it more in the last year than I ever have and it makes me a little sad. I need to write more in it because when it comes down to it, everything on the internet seems so temporary. As long as a fire doesn't take my house, or some person steals my journals, I will always have them.

I wrote in it briefly the other night, since I realized that I have neglected it, and subsequently it made me sad. Anyways, after I wrote my blurb, I went back and read some of my entries from when I was still at school. Trust, it goes back that far, it's a big journal, and like I said I haven't been writing in it a whole lot.

This is the conclusion I came to: I was out of control introspective in college. It could be the combination of two things. First, I was in college so obviously I thought I was a deep thinker, intellectual. This may be true, but I've always kind of been that way. Second, I had the time to be like that. And it's that idea right there that is bothering me. I allowed myself the time to sit and think. I don't get that time anymore, it feels like. I walked nearly everywhere, I didn't have texting, I would daydream a lot in classes, etc. I don't even day dream like I used to.Though, this has allowed me to be a more social person, I miss all that about myself. Getting lost in thought is one of my favorite past times, and I've lost that a little. I hope to gain it back. I really do.

The world is too loud. Everyone always has to be filling some desire to make themselves happy. When was the last time you just sat to yourself? Just you and God? I'm embarrassed to say I don't do this as often as I used to, or as often as I would like to.

Our world is dying from the noise. I'm convinced. All the noise of social media, selfish wants, all the horrible ways people get them, how they grew up, what others tell them. The list goes on and on. Ourselves don't get much further than our own skin. Anything beneath that is too real and anything outside of that will force you to think of others first and in our society, it's not very popular.

Subconsciously, I think I realized I was needing to leave all the noise. I need to be more aware of myself and more aware of others. I've been really careful of who I've been around lately. I've been drawn to others I know acknowledge their own growth and the things I may be going through, even without telling them.

I'm grateful for those people. I really, really am.

It's time to get out of the noise. Look past your own skin. Forward and backwards. You'd be amazed at what you find.

80% Mental. 40% Physical.

I am three weeks into my marathon training. So far so good.

I'm still not a fan of wind. Breezes I can get down with though. It's beautiful. I purchased a hat that wicks sweat so that's been key in the prevention of sweat in the eyes. One more thing I learned, don't run at a metro park without bug spray. Last Saturday I got attacked by horseflies. Though swatting them away helped me not focus on how much I had to run.

Running is a mental game. Just like in the movie Little Giants (yay childhood!), they said "Football is 80% mental and 40% physical". Though the math doesn't quite add up. It makes perfect sense with running. My mind goes a million miles a minute when I'm running. The constant, "I'm tired". "I have to run THAT many more miles". "I could stop..." It's a constant battle. I wonder if I'm the only runner who does that. And yes, I am referring to myself as a runner. I think I deserve it.

My longest long run thus far has been six miles. It felt so good when I got done. My knee hurt later, once the endorphins wore off, but still. Tomorrow I have to run seven miles. What's one more?? That's my new philosophy for my long runs, "What's one more?"

I talk to God a lot when I'm running. I know He's the only reason I have to strength and ability to actually accomplish this mess. I am essentially breaking myself down mentally and physically and it's putting me in a nice and vulnerable place to be able to talk to God. It's pretty great. I praise Him for giving me the strength and motivation to try and accomplish this goal. And I plead with Him to take the fatigue and horseflies away. It's one of those things where you can never ask God for something too little. I know we forget that sometimes. That God is there for the day-to-day things as well.

God's so big, He's even in the little things.

Well that's my running update so far. I want to post something just for lady runners, but y'all will be sufficiently warned beforehard. :)

God Bless you all. And happy running.