Here we go again.

I have a job interview on Thursday.

Pray. Pray. Pray.

Urgent.

I don't care what people say. God exists. He does amazing things. He works miracles. Even now. He may not be raising people from the dead or calming storms in a literal sense, but spiritually, He does. He calms my storms. He pulled me out of the grave of my sin. I am a miracle. And so are you.

I may not think I excel at many things. I really don't. I don't always win, and I'm not always the best, but I do know this. I have faith. Faith that no matter how bad things seem at the time, God will always carry me through it.

In the wake of my last blog, I have to give you a little update. And it really seems like the smallest little thing, but for me, it was just exactly what I needed and God knew it.

Yesterday at work, I was talking to some co-workers in another room. I came back to my office to find that I had an urgent voicemail left on my phone. My first response was "Yup, makes sense. What could have possibly gone wrong now?" I listened to the voicemail. It was from a mom I had taken over for when I first started my job here. She's a recovering cocaine user with two kids. Her son Michael was my favorite. I loved that kid. He was hilarious and awesome. And so smart. The mom had so many goals, so many things she wanted to do. But things take time and not everything was accomplished when my time with her was over. I've done both my 6 and 12 month follow-ups for her, and I visited her at her last one. She doesn't need to speak with me or hear from me again after that last follow-up and usually I don't. But she called me yesterday. I called her back, and all she wanted was to say thank you to me. Pretty much a thanks in believing that she could continue to remain sober and believing that she could accomplish everything on her own. She had gotten a house and a car since the last time I spoke with her and her son Michael is going into kindergarten or 1st grade now. I'm not sure which. And she's really active at the school.

That short little 5 minute phone call lifted my spirits SO much. I'm glad she remembers me through all this. Her voicemail said she had been sitting there at her house yesterday morning thinking about me. God put me in her brain. He did that so she could call and make what I do worth it, even if it was just for a short time.

I'm still struggling, don't get me wrong. Everything isn't going to be fixed in a day, but it's a nice little reminder to me that if anything, ONE person was positively effected by having God's light shine through me in their presence.

That is all.

Burden.

I carry a burden that very few could really understand. I am a Christian and a social worker. There is no way around that right now. It's rips my heart to shreds.

I've been working to find something else. Anything else. I'm losing myself to my job and I can't stop it. I used to be relaxed, low key, sweet, caring. I'm losing that Hillary. I don't know if people see that part of me anymore and it is literally killing me. I want her back.

I often wonder how people view me now versus before all this. If I'm actually different or if it's in my head. I don't want to be jaded. I don't want to be negative. I want to be full of joy. Peace. Kindness. I'm not sure if I am. At least, not like I used to be.

I'm writing here because I don't really know another way to explain this all. Without the "Hillary's complaining about her job again" thinking. It goes deeper than that.

The one shining, bright spot of joy in all of this is my daily interactions with God. I've seen God do some amazing things. Basically just protecting me, guiding me, building me up. Giving families a second chance with their lives. I do honestly believe I have nothing to do with it, that I'm just an accessory. These parents made up their minds a while ago if they were going to do what they could to get their kids back and they did it all on their own before I even step into the picture.

I haven't made it a day in the last week without tearing up. Today is no exception. I have to worry about my own well-being, as well as the well-being of four other families, right now at least it's four. It's kind of becoming too much to handle with any semblance of sanity.

I will make it through. I'm not trying to say I won't. But, for right now, things are difficult. I feel stuck.. and sometimes alone. I do KNOW God is right here with me. I do know that. It's what gets me through my days. God pretty much carrying me the whole way.

For now, I will be exhausted, a little depressed, but resilient. Determined to pull myself up and out of this valley. I will find myself again. In the midst of God's glory, I'm sure.

Until then, I'm sorry if I'm crabby, exhausted, boring... I'm trying my best. But sometimes it's just too much. Happy, shiny, joyful Hillary will eventually resurface. She's in there, hiding, only to poke her head out when she knows it's safe.

I'll be okay again.

randoms.

Haven't had much to say lately. The roller coaster of life has me in a dip and I'm just trying to build some momentum to get out.

I've been having a difficult time at work lately. Partially because of my clients refusal to believe I am anything but their slave, which I've gone over before. I react very strongly to that for some reason, it's strange. Lots of other work related things going on, but I don't feel like getting into that.

POSITIVE NOTE: Fall is coming. *insert sigh of relief here* We got a taste of the cool fall air last week and I felt incredible. It's so sad fall is so short. I could live in that cripy, clean air forever. I can't wait to break out my sweaters and nice coats and be all cute. My fall/winter wardrobe is far superior to my spring/summer wardrobe.

The nostalgia that comes along with fall can be bittersweet. All my relationships have begun in the fall. It's a fun time of year. People say everything comes alive in the spring, well, my world comes alive in the fall. Cannot wait for it. I could use an apple orchard date. Just sayin'. :-P

All-in-all. Things are looking up. Why? Fall is coming. I get some vacation. (fingers crossed) Going to Chicago in October to enjoy the city and hopefully see some long lost special people ;) My brother is getting married in a week and a half. Yeah, crazy. I know.

I just hope to one day have something exciting to write about here.

Until then....

Soapbox.

How come society defines us by everything else other than who we are as people? By our looks, our clothes, our weight, the food we eat, the music we listen to, the school we went to, etc. The list goes on.

Why does all of that matter? And it does. I was at a wedding once. I was sitting at a table with other individuals my age. And before they even asked my name, they asked "so what kind of music do YOU listen to?" In a snobby way. I felt instantly frozen. I felt whatever came out of my mouth at that moment was going to define me for the rest of the evening. Luckily someone else chimed in and I was spared being placed in a box, labeled.

I shouldn't gripe about this, because I feel like I'm socially stunted and these kinds of topics seem SO easy to talk about. I want to know why it isn't really acceptable to dive deep into the heart of who we really are as people, upon first or second meeting. It seems taboo to talk about deep things in our lives unless we know a person very well. I feel like we need to be the core of who we are at the very beginning, so we don't have to break down the barriers others have placed around us by their perceptions. Perceptions based on all those things I mentioned in the first paragraph. Sure. Those things are part of who we are, but they aren't the whole of us.

What about our childhoods? The moments who define us. The experiences that have taught us? The fact that I went to GVSU isn't who I am, it's the experiences I had there that do. But I can't wear those on a t-shirt.

I'm kind of on a soapbox about this right now. It just seems strange to me that we would limit our knowing of others. I know people and they know me. But they don't KNOW me. It's partially my fault, but the other part is that maybe I feel like they don't really care to know anymore about me than what they see in front of them. That's why it was kind of terrifying to write that last blog. People don't know me like that. Vulnerable, open, honest, hurting. You wouldn't know that about me by knowing I like acoustic music, or that I drive a Saturn.

I don't know if this makes any sense. It's one of those things that I've got tumbling around in my brain. The idea, the concept, in my brain is perfectly logical, but thrown out into cyberspace, it may seem a little jumbled. Sorry about that. :) Hopefully there are some tiny molecules of sense in there.

The reason.

I don't typically do this. And I promise I'm not obsessed, but I feel like I need to further explain why it is I'm so defensive about Hanson. And I know you're thinking "Hillary, shut up about Hanson already" But I really feel like I need to explain myself, as to stop getting ridiculed for liking a band. Something I really shouldn't have to worry about anyways.

I don't usually elaborate on this part of my life, because I don't like to dwell on the past; especially negative portions of it, but here we go. Oh, and I don't like pity parties. I'm not one to bring up bad things just to make other people around me feel uncomfortable, SO don't pity me, but I am still going to explain myself here since people tend to not really listen to me that well.

In the summer of 1996, my family was basically uprooted. My dad's job was kinda shut down, and my parents opted to be transferred to New Jersey, so my dad could continue to work for BASF. We left everything, to go to nothing. Our family, our friends, our entire life was turned upside down over the course of a summer. My brother and I spent a year in the Stroudsburg, PA school district. The education was poor, the teachers were horrible. I spent that entire year of my life being made fun of and teased. Some things I haven't even really spoken of and to be honest I've blocked most things out. As a result of this, my mom pulled us of out that school and we were home-schooled for the next two-ish years. So I went from the area I loved, people I loved, people who loved and knew me. To nothing. Well, not completely nothing, because I had my small little family unit. And one friend, I had managed to make in school.

During the year of home-schooling, this friend of mine introduced me to a little band called Hanson. They had two songs out on the radio at the time. "MMMBop" and "Where's the Love". I fell in love with "Where's the Love" immediately. It was catchy and happy and made me not think about how lonely and defeated I was. I told my mom about this and she brought me to the local music store to buy "Middle of Nowhere".

Anyone else ever use music as an escape? I know you have. I did. I still do. All this was before I was a Christian. I was young, and I knew all about Christ and stuff, but I didn't know about it like i do now. I didn't know I needed to turn to Christ for all those worries. So I turned to music. Whenever Hanson would be tv, I would watch it. I had (HAVE) all their cds. Even singles and EPs and stuff. I decorated my room.

I literally got rid of all my sadness, by listening to this happy music. I remember the day I found out I was going to their concert. I was sitting on the counter in my kitchen and the tickets had come in the mail. My mom handed me the envelop. I cried I was so happy. And I remember going to the show. It was my first concert ever. It was at the Palace. I had binoculars and everything. We were SO far away, but I didn't care. I was just so happy. My mom even bought me all kinds of merch. Which I'm sure I still have somewhere. Thinking of that small gesture even now makes me a little emotional. There is more to this story, but I'm not going to get into it as I think I've communicated enough of it to help you all understand.


And that folks is why I'm so attached to this band. I love them and their music and how they got me through that difficult time in my life. I know it doesn't sound that tragic, but, for me, it was. Being lonely is the worse thing in the world for me. I still struggle with those things from time to time and I know it's an extension of that move. I've never been really great at making friends, I still struggle with feeling alone and unwanted, like I felt that year at the wretched middle school. Even now, writing this, I get a little teary eyed thinking back on it.


I know, trust me, I know, not everyone has similar tastes in music. What is refreshing to my ears, may not move you the same way and vise versa. And like I said before, I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, or pity me, because God knows that's the last thing I want. I usually just keep my mouth shut, but I couldn't this time. So thanks for listening. :)

Lastly, I will nerd out for a moment and say I finally met one of the Hanson boys. I was SO SO beyond happy at that moment. I know it's dumb, but I can't help it. Their music has been with me for 13 years. They've gotten me through many things, and make me happy.

SO again, thank you Hanson for bringing me joy when nothing else could.

The secret.

I have a secret. It's taken me over ten years to be able to honestly tell people.

I am a Hanson fan.
From 1997:


To now:


13 years. Now if that's not loyalty, I don't know what is. The first Hanson song I heard was "Where's the Love?". The single released after MMMBop. I was hooked. I had (have) a crush on Taylor, the middle one, since I was 12 years old. Now it's basically out of nostalgia-sake. I used to write on my Hanson calendar what shows they would be appearing on that week, and watch them, as well as tape them. I listened to their cd non-stop. Other kids made fun of me, which is kind of why I stopped telling people. But in all honesty, and call me cheesy, or whatever, but their music got me through a tough time in my life. Which is why I think I've held onto them for so long.

As I grew up, so did they. As my musical tastes matured, so did their music. Hence, the loyalty. As long as they keep making music I enjoy, I will listen. And be a fan. Judge me! I dare you. Another thing I love about them: Each album is uniquely different than the one before. Almost as if they have a musical theme. It's amazing and keeps us guessing. I love it.

I'm going to see them play at the Royal Oak Music Theatre, where I will be giddy like I was 12 again, and jump around like a goon. So in preparation for that, I've been on a all Hanson music rotation. I've decided I will make a list of some of my favorite songs by them. Maybe if you're brave, you'll check some of them out. I promise they are talented, it may not be your style, but you cannot deny they are gifted.

So here's the list in no particular order (song, album, year):
~ Great Divide; The Walk, 2007
~Never Let Go; Members EP; not sure (probably my favorite, but it's impossible to pick)
~MMMBop; Middle of Nowhere, 1997 ( come on, you cannot deny how catchy it is)
~With You In Your Dreams; Middle of Nowhere, 1997 (written for their grandmother; very pretty)
~And I Waited; Shout It Out, 2010
~Give A Little; Shout It Out, 2010 (awesomely, fun song)
~Me, Myself, and I; Shout It Out, 2010
~Worlds On Fire; Stand Up Stand Up acoustic EP (one of many songs about social injustices in the world)
~Save Me; This Time Around, 2000
~A Song to Sing; This Time Around, 2000
~Strong Enough to Break; Underneath, 2004 (written as a result of breaking away from the music industry and creating their own independent label, free of the restrictions of the music industry)
~Lost Without Each Other; Underneath, 2004 (I dare you not to dance. I DARE you!)
~Been There Before; The Walk, 2007 (Classic)
~Fire On The Mountain; The Walk, 2007
~Blue Sky; The Walk, 2007
~A Minute Without You; Middle of Nowhere, 1997 (I forget about this song until I hear it live, where I jump around like a fool)

Long list I know, but me and Hanson go way back.

And one more thing you may not know about Hanson: Back before they recorded and released The Walk, they became involved in an organization called TOMS shoes. Many of you have seen me sporting mine. This organization promotes awareness of areas so deep in poverty, that families cannot even afford shoes. This causes many health issues, even some so bad they can lead to death, simply by walking long distances without shoes. To help promote this, before every show, Hanson leads a one mile walk without shoes. I haven't been fortunate enough to be able to participate in this, but hopefully I'll be able to this year.

Thanks for listening to my secret. I know all you music lovers with your favorite band will understand what I'm communicating here. So thanks to all those bands who remain awesome and true your loyal fans. We appreciate it.


And as Zac Hanson would say:
Peace, Love, & Bulletproof Marshmallows.